A Piacere

i broke up with m this week partly because of guilt and partly because of fear. guilt because i know i dont have the time for her anymore. despite waiting for her to get back to the states all summer, i knew this fall id be too busy for even my own sake. fear because i dont want to end up being cheated on again. fear because i dont want a reason to think of m with a taste of bitter disdain in my mouth.

i cant say enough good things about m but i know she isnt what i need right now, in this stage in my life. i cant see myself with her in the future either.

these are selfish reasons. or maybe they arent. its complicated. im complicated.

i want to remember her as an embodiment of joy and compassion. i want to remember her as someone who inspired me and loved me unconditionally. i want to remember her as someone whom i cherished and respected, as a wise mentor and wonderful girlfriend.

its a very gut-wrenching feeling, to want to cling on to something that i know is better off being let go. to let it go– well that’s even more troublesome.

it’s difficult to restrain myself when an “easy solution” is a call or text away.

but i know ill be okay and i know shes going to be okay.

my ex cheating on me and eventually breaking up with me 1 year ago was both the worst and definitely the best thing that happened to me in 2017.

it allowed for me, important closure with myself via 6 months of introspection. i learned to let go of grudges, anger, pride. i learned to forgive. i learned that i didn’t need to rush, that everything would sort itself out one way or another if i just kept working hard. out of loneliness i went to a mixer and met a girl that inspired my entire commercial portfolio. i built a portfolio that landed me my first $4000+ gig then graduated from college. so much more has happened in this past year.

Here’s a quote:

“J’aurais dû être plus gentille—I should have been more kind. That is something a person will never regret. You will never say to yourself when you are old, Ah, I wish I was not good to that person. You will never think that.”

― Khaled Hosseini, And the Mountains Echoed