we tumbling.

Hanahaki, but it's someone whose friends have started ghosting them.

Hanahaki, someone's wife is cheating on them.

"People back then always married young it's natural!!!" Every single 1800s guide I've ever met casually mentions that, of course, you really shouldn't get married before you're at least 20, and waiting until 25 is usually better.

Or, like. Okay here's a long segment:

Just firmly going "it is crazy sexist to blame The Wife for overspending when thirty seconds of asking questions will immediately establish that her husband was outright lying to her about how much money they had. Talk to your wife like a normal person."

Or--okay, here. A section on being honest and not writing love letters in secret, because that's usually a good sign that there's something untoward going on....

....except that he then immediately acknowledges that sometimes, the reason you're hiding this from your parents is that your parents suck. That there are parents who frankly have not earned the right to approve or disapprove of your partner.

"Men and women being friends with each other is literally normal. Don't be a controlling freak."

"If you have to abuse a child to keep order in your classroom then you're a bad teacher."

Fuck staying hydrated by drinking enough water - eat! more! wet! food! (watermelon, cucumbers, SOUP!)

Feels great to be really high up in your house where you can see the whole place (loft bed loft bed loft bed loft bed!)

Express yourself as clearly as possible when people are touching you and you don't want them to.

Optional, but you can also express yourself clearly when your people are not touching you and you want them to.

Sometimes it's important to just go "hmm. actually, I don't care" and wander off.

You don't have to be the strongest or toughest to defend yourself, it's enough to just be difficult enough to not be worth the trouble.

But it meant that we had absolutely no help or support when we were trying to work on the relationship in ways that *did* value my autonomy. There's basically no advice for people who want to try to make a relationship where there's a big desire gap work that isn't "well you should just have sex anyway" or "just break up lol". And that sucks!

Just after giving birth, during a family crisis, during a mental health episode, during health problems, during stressful periods at work

There are a lot of times when one person is horned up and raring to go and the other has no interest

And the solution often presented is that the person who is going through something should just put out because they are the problem instead of like...finding ways to engage in non sexual intimacy to reaffirm closeness

An asexual person is going to get 10x the amount of pressure and blame put on them and no advice on how non-sexual intimacy can help their relationships and if they get that at all it will only be to sell it as a bridge to sex they don't want.

I really hate the selling of intimacy as only equaling or facilitating sex. Intimacy comes in many forms and should be explored more by every couple as a non sexual act. And it the given importance it deserves. In fact I would argue if we as a society put more value on non sexual intimacy more relationships would be happier and healthier

people would stop getting shit

for being themselves.

In fact I would argue if we as a society put more value on non sexual intimacy more relationships would be happier and healthier.

So many people put such a heavy pressure on sex to fulfill all or almost all intimacy needs in romantic relationships, because they haven’t learnt or considered other forms of intimacy. Because sex seems simple and straightforward, and socially has been constructed to be a way to measure romantic love. And there’s just so much more ways to connect beyond sex.

I myself was in a relationship with an allo guy for 9 years, and was pressured into doing all sorts of things I didn’t want to do, which left me badly scarred to this day. Seeked professional help, was told I was the problem and needed fixing, which kept me in that abusive relationship for a long time out of guilt. The “fixing”, as it turned out, only traumatized me further and didn’t change me (oh, surprise, conversion therapies don’t work!).

Thankfully I ended up breaking up with the guy.

I’ve now been in a long-term romantic relationship with another allo person for some years, and it’s working. Because there are SO MANY ways to connect and feel fulfilled in a relationship aside from sex. All it takes is being kind, thoughtful and curious.

Never let anyone make you feel that your asexuality is a problem. It isn’t. It’s just another part of who you are. A beautiful, enriching, meaningful one. It should be embraced and honoured by your romantic partners, allo or not.

Sadly not all allo people will understand. But that doesn’t make you the problem. If they can’t see past sex into the infinite potential ways of human connection, the problem is theirs.

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