As I’m walking downtown, I hear something. “Hey!,”
A girl shouts at me, “I know it's been a long day.
And we haven't talked in forever, so are you feeling okay?
You don’t have to answer; I don’t want to waste your time anyway.”
I wanted to say, "Yeah, I am completely fine.
I'm in love with my life and talk to friends all the time.
But my best friend of 4 years left me in a flash,
Once I told her something personal, like I was some piece of trash.
I said to myself, “Don't worry about it; you will find someone new,
And besides, this is just a feeling; it's not like it could hurt you.
So I did find someone else and she was better than the last.
She was funny, she was cute and I could always make her laugh.
We would call each other constantly and take shots at one another, hence,
Why I loved her so much, she was like me in a sense.
That's not the only reason, there are many more,
That if I told you all of them now, you might begin to snore.
And things were going great until, just like before,
She said, “we should just be friends,” and then she rarely talked to me anymore.
What’s funny is this girl who said we should talk less,
Once asked me how I feel, as if she knew I wasn’t the best.
“Hey! Just checking in to make sure that you’re okay,
And that me ignoring you doesn’t hurt in any way.”
When I look at her, my heart flutters. My nerves try to kill me,
Knowing she is fully content, and that she does not miss me.
When she's around, I can't focus, like I'm on high alert.
Distracted from my life and centered on the hurt.
She had fun but then got bored, so I got cast aside,
So I try to bounce back and talk again, but I get denied.
“Stop talking to me, we're done. My love for you is gone.
You are clingy and obsessed, so I need to break this bond.”
“You disgust me, and I'm uncomfortable talking to you at all.”
Which hurt, of course it did, but at least she didn't stall,
Telling me what she felt. And so I try to stand tall.
I try to forget, all the good things she said about myself,
And all the gifts she gave me. I put them all away on a shelf.
It had such a big impact when she stopped being my friend,
That it wasn't just our relationship that met its unfortunate end.
When I talk to someone, she'll come over and talk to them too.
So I stand there confused, “Now what do I do?
Do I stay here or leave?” I don't have a clue.
Then she'll talk about her hurt, making it well spoken.
That's crazy, because last I checked, it wasn't your heart that got broken.
I sat there, deep in thought, getting lost in the turmoil.
It turns out her night in shining armor was just some poor lover in tin foil.
This poem isn’t meant to win her back or get some fame,
This poem is meant to be a simple canvas for my pain.
1 Peter 5:7 “Cast your anxiety onto him.”
That’s great, but last time I checked, I can’t see the bin,
Where you put all your fear, pain, doubts, attachments, and your sin.
The Lord is always silent when my life is a mess,
But what I forget is that teachers never talk during tests.
I feel like when I get close to someone, God takes them away,
And whispers, “You shouldn’t hang out with him; he doesn’t deserve love anyway,”
Which is ridiculous because that's not something God would go and say.
I tell myself, “I’ve moved on; she doesn’t matter to me.” Liar
Ever since she left, I’ve been reading less and less of my bible
I've been hoping God will kill me because I'm not allowed to be suicidal.
Scenarios play in my head like one big recital.
I pray to God daily, “Please, please just take me home.”
But I can never shake the feeling that I'm destined to live alone.
So she looks me in the eye and says, “Hello, are you still there? You've been staring for a while, is everything okay in there?” I jump back a step, surprised, forgetting that they were even there.
And while I could have - no. Should have told them all of these things that I have told you, I instead, like an idiot, tell them those five stupid, void, meaningless words that we are all way too familiar with.
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