Below-Average Dick Energy

Saying he was confused about the full extent of its purpose as well as its overall benefit, local man Jacob Ferris, 25, nonetheless surmised today that the oblong rock located in girlfriend Sarah Milstein’s shower caddy must somehow factor into her bathing routine, sources confirmed.

“I guess at some point while she’s showering, she rubs a rock on her body,” said Ferris, expressing what he claimed was “the only possible conclusion” about the light-gray rock in his girlfriend’s bathroom. “I mean, it looks sort of nice, so she could just have it there for decoration or something. But it’s usually right near all the other soaps and her loofah, so I think it’s probably something she actually uses while under the water.”

sorry this one is a little suggestive, follow up to that nickname headcanon, momo finally comes up with a nickname 8 years in the future i wanted to draw jiro's reaction as well but alas i don't have the time or energy left for that right now

In a surprise attack of astonishing brutality, oral cavity sources confirmed Thursday that the Listerine inside a local mouth was leaving 0.1% of germs alive in order to spread a message of terror throughout the microbial community. “The mouthwash killed my entire colony and then told me to bear witness to the horrors I saw today,” said a rod-shaped Porphyromonas gingivalis, adding that its cell wall was nearly dissolved when suddenly the 20 milliliters of antiseptic liquid retreated, leaving the bacterium with severe but nonfatal injuries. 

God it feels so good getting to shut down these Quarian admirals. Between punching one in the gut and overtly intimidating another down when she starts drooling over Legion, Shepard is on his last fucking nerve for sure.