Ok stay with me for some walls of text
Eugene is mortified at how much the idea intrigues him. He spends weeks trying to establish boundaries and signals and signs that mean ānot tonightā, wanting to make everything go smoothly. Richard tells him he doesnāt want a heads-up, he wants it to be a surpriseāand he doesnāt ever mention that heās doing the asshole thing again and using Eugene as a testing ground for facing his ādemonsā without his knowledge.
Eugene picks a date without telling Richard, planning to wake up in the middle of the night to initiate. But when the day comes, heās too anxious to fall asleep. So he just lays in bed, heart pounding, overthinking, trying to decide if this is a good idea or not (but it must be, Richard wantedāasked forāit, and if heās changed his mind since they last discussed it heāll forgive Eugene because he hadnāt told him heād changed his mind, right? Eugene would stop immediately, of course, heād even leave his own apartment for the night so Richard didnāt have to walk home after, heād do anything to make it rightā) until itās 2am and he just thinks āitās now or never.ā
Richard is sleeping heavier than normal, the stress of the day combined with a bad flareup leaving him exhausted. He doesnāt wake up until Eugeneās been busy for a good while. He panics for a second, remembering the garage, the motel, the other motelā¦ before recognizing where he really is. Eugeneās arm is wrapped around him, solid, almost protective. And heās talkingāwhispering, really, but itās enough that Richard can almost make out some of it through the haze of tiredness.
Eugene isnāt one to use dirty talk, too worried to mess things up (and following a script, heās realized, is not very sexy to most people). But in the dark, alone, the only person awakeā¦ he starts to spill; things heās only thought and things he didnāt realize he was capable of thinking. Possessive, claiming thoughts. Self-deprecation, awe at how amazing Richard is, how much this trust means, how grateful he is that Richard keeps coming back to someone like him even though he could have his pick of suitors. He almost says something he canāt take back, something thatās too intimate, too much, too honest. Itās not even the first time he almost says it, but this time feels more real because no one can hear him. So he thinks.
Richard pretends to be asleep until Eugene reaches around. He canāt keep quiet anymore, but instead of simply enjoying the moment he starts to tease Eugene. He has to, has to make it a joke, thatās what he always does. Because if he doesnāt, heāll have to face the horrific truths of tonight: heās getting off on it, he nearly panicked and heās still getting off on itā¦ and Eugene feels safe enough that he didnāt panic after all. Those things he whispered, muffled and muddled as he woke up, were too raw. Too real. So he jokes.
Eugene is flustered, defending himself against the accusations of being perverted (āyou said, you SAIDāā), but he doesnātācanātāstop. Richard doesnāt tell him to.
Neither of them talk about what Eugene said. Some things are easier to say in the dark, and sometimes itās easier to keep them there.
