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@the-benjamin-dalgaard-blog
Oh it feels so good to be back.
Well, that’s descriptive. I haven’t seen you in several months and you don’t know how you are?
I am decent, I suppose. It’s kind of weird being back after all.
No, I don't. That's as much as I can explain.
That's good. You'll get used to being back soon enough. Also please don't bring up my son when talking to Natasha..
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Oh it feels so good to be back.
Of course, why else would I say it?
That’s not the question we should be asking though. How are you Ben?
Right, of course.
I'm.. I don't know. How are you?
Oh it feels so good to be back.
Chloe? You're back....
What are the advantages of grad school again?
Drinks make everything better…
That's one of the most untrue things ever.
What are the advantages of grad school again?
Dude, you look like you could seriously use a drink.
That obvious? A drink wouldn't make much of a difference.
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What are the advantages of grad school again?
Time to make some changes.
Frank Lloyd Wright’s Forgotten Plans For New York’s First All-Glass Towers
Renderings: Perspective of Frank Lloyd Wright’s St. Mark-in-the-Bowery complex with St. Mark’s church at center; Image: Frank Lloyd Wright Foundation
BENJIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII.
Umm. No.
You go to bed. You’re ruining my fun.
SURPRISE SURPRISE. THIS WAS TOTALLY UNPREDICTABLE.
Right. Goodnight, Natasha.
BENJIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII.
You’re being mean.
YOU MISSED THE MEMO, ASSHOLE. THAT’S MY JOB.
Whatever. Just go to bed.
BENJIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII.
But….I’m not sleepy.
I don't care. You're drunk and you should just sleep it off.
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BENJIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII.
BENJI BENJI BENJAMINNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN
BENJABITCH. REMEMBER THAT BITCH WE USED TO HANG OUT WITH WHO WANTED YOUR DICK AND THEN HE CALLED YOU THAT? LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL
Yes I remember him. You should get some sleep..
It's Friday.. You know what that means?
That tomorrow is Saturday. Other than that I don't know what it could be.
Lance | Bentasha
It was cruel. Beyond cruel, really. But Natasha Hawthorne was vicious, unapologetically so. She always had been. The girl didn’t know any better. There was a time in her life when she’d allowed herself the briefest moment of happiness, of contentment, but it hadn’t lasted long. Life always had a way of reminding her it was safer to have walls, to barricade herself behind them because no one could be trusted, especially not with something as fragile as her heart. As much as she tried to convince herself and others it didn’t exist, it did. It was bruised and beaten and covered in ice, but it still beat.
The struggle to make her heart feel, though, was constant. Natasha so easily drifted into numbness, into distance, it was often difficult, sometimes impossible, to reign herself back in. Even for the sake of the only person who really mattered anymore. There were moments she found it hard to even allow her own baby to penetrate her defenses. Usually, he was able to win out. In so many ways, he was her salvation. Only Natasha Hawthorne had no idea how to be saved.
What she was doing to Benjamin was likely unforgiveable, but she couldn’t help it. It was in her nature to push people until they broke. She was so certain that everyone would end up deserting her that she pushed them away first. And, without fail, they always gave up on her eventually. Some, like Ben, took longer than others but the results were always inevitable. The dissolution of their relationship, though she liked to pin the blame on him, she knew deep down was hers alone. Why should he trust her? She’d given him no reason to. Natasha was always looking to sabotage her own life – the one thing she and her brother had in common: the need to self-destruct. Still, the news that he’d given up hope on their future had struck her, rattled her to her core; and Natasha was not one to forgive easily, if she ever did at all. As punishment, she would hold their child over his head and continue to lash out at him in the bitterness that was only the result of her own selfish behavior. Not that she’d ever admit that to even herself, much less him. It was plain to see that the situation was wearing on him, moreso that he couldn’t see his own son than that he couldn’t see her. That hurt her. And in some ways made her resent the one being that deserved her wrath the least. But she couldn’t help herself. She was twisted that way. Carrying her immaculately dressed little boy to the café se had told Ben to meet them, she sat down at a table in the back and waited for him to arrive. He hadn’t expected her to bring the baby; part of her did it to hurt him. She knew seeing Lance and not being able to take him home would crush Ben, and she always aimed to kill.
It didn’t matter how many different scenarios he played out in his mind as he made his way to the café. None of the scenarios that ended with both of them satisfied was going to happen. It would most likely end with Ben agreeing to terms that weren’t going to be enough for him. Still, he was going to try to make the best of this. Whatever it was. He knew that Natasha could make it so he never got to see his son ever again and that was the last thing he wanted. He already had to live without being able to be with her; not having his son would only finish pushing him off of the edge.
Deep down he knew that no matter how Natasha felt about him, Lance was what was really important. He had to think of his son and her before thinking of himself especially if it meant that they would both be better off without him. If his father knew about what was happening now he would tell Ben that Natasha was doing herself and their son a favor. His father would tell him that there was no way that he would have been able to be a good father; let alone a husband or even a boyfriend. He still remembered the words that his father said to him the last time they spoke, “You can’t handle your own life and you’re going to have a child with a stupid girl who does nothing but run from you.” A part of him hated his father for the things that he said to him and another part believed him. Maybe Natasha and Lance really were better off without him but letting them both go completely would kill him.
He knew that there was a reason that everything happened. This was probably fate’s way of telling him that it was over for good. Of course he would only lie to himself about it and still have even the slightest amount of hope for them. Benjamin knew that this was his fault and whatever happened today would only be because he brought it on himself. It didn’t matter that he loved her or that he would go back and never have left that ring in the first place. Even if he had it now it wasn’t going to make a difference. When Natasha set her mind to something she wouldn’t stop. At first it was completely childish for her to just run away again because until he knew what her reason for it was. The night he left the ring he thought it would really be the last thing he did that had anything to do with her. She hadn’t been ready for what was to come once Lance was born so instead she planned on leaving and having the baby get to him as soon as it was possible. He hadn’t expected to be able to find her but he did. Now his decision to get rid of the ring seemed like the worst decision he had ever made. As he entered the café he saw Natasha almost instantly but was stopped when he saw that she had brought Lance with her. Natasha obviously knew what she was doing and her intentions were to make it worse for him. “Natasha,” he said when he reached their table looking from her to Lance and took a seat across from them.
Lance | Bentasha
As soon as the sunlight began to come in through a few small spaces between the curtains, Ben had forced himself out of bed to get ready for the meeting that was to follow in about half an hour. He looked at the time on his watch that had been placed on the night stand beside the hotel room bed and cursed underneath his breath. He was supposed to have gotten a wake-up call about an hour ago and was already coming up with something to say to the receptionist downstairs but stopped when he remembered that he had forgotten to request that wake-up call in the first place. Everything after that happened in a blur and before he knew it he was walking out of the hotel room and on his way to meet with Natasha to discuss matters that he had never wanted to occur.
This was the one thing that Ben had hoped would never happen as soon as he found out that Natasha was expecting a baby; their baby. Since that night, he had had done nothing but think about their possible reconciliation and caring for their baby together. It was the one thing Ben had ever really wanted since he had been deprived of that by his own parents. He didn’t want Lance to grow up to be the type of person that he was because his father didn’t know how to say that he loved him or even acknowledge his existence half the time. It would have been easy for Ben to push Natasha out of that hotel room and tell her that there was no way that he would want that baby. That would have made him an even more fucked up person that he had already been through his entire life but he didn’t do any of that. He would have eventually let that start eating away at him and he’d never be able to forgive himself for turning his back on his son and his mother. Benjamin just wanted that baby in his life just as much as he wanted her in it too. He could have had both of them for the rest of his life, but like everything else in his life he had managed to screw it all up.
The night when he found out was still fresh in his mind as if it had only happened but it had been well over a year since. He even remembered the look on Natasha’s face whenever she would mention that they would be having a girl and that she would undoubtedly be named Audrey. Ben had been thrilled that it was going to be a girl and when the day came that they found out that it was in fact a boy; the thrill and anticipation had risen to another level. That didn’t mean that he wouldn’t have loved that they in fact would’ve had Audrey; a beautiful girl that would be just like her mother. Most of the things that had happened between him and Natasha were still fresh in his mind; they always were. There wasn’t a night in which he didn’t replay them over and over in his mind until he somehow managed to fall asleep. It was sort of pathetic how he did this every night without fail and reminded himself that she wanted nothing to do with him. The only connection that they had left was their baby which she was now only going to allow him to see on certain days for short periods of time. No parent ever wanted to have to go through something like this. At least not any parent that actually loved their baby and wanted to be present every single day of his or her life.
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Fine. I had to try. So where have you been staying?
I'm staying in the Marriott in downtown but I won't be there too much longer.
It's been years and I still can't shake the feeling of being watched as I walk home.
At least it’s pretty when it snows. And there’s many things to do.
If I'm ever in Missouri again I'll try to get out there to see what there is to do. There was way too much snow to even go outside for days.
