( archive. )

a reprieve from every betrayal of myself i’m blocking out all the memories / of those shadowed places calling out, the deep and dark unknowable nothings. in the morning they’ll reappear as grief and loss do, dawn brushing over the eyes and okay maybe this time — just to watch me choke on it. i’m trying for something softer just to see if i can. maybe i wanna swallow the sun without burning / to think i’m not something ruined by light.

All I want is a voice to talk me through the night from time to time when I wake and can’t remember the room.

I am here with my ordinary grief and its language.

spare me the lecture on the survival of my body & i will spare you my body

For how many years will I write these lines for you? How many have I?

It’s getting harder to live without faith, or you, or whatever we choose to call what calls to us in the quiet.

I know where you are with my eyes closed, we are bound to each other, we are bound to each other with huge invisible threads …

One day, I plan to love so loudly, my body abandons every demon harvesting me.

I think of other people then I think of you. I think of someone else then I think of you.

My mind speaks English, my heart speaks Russian, and my ear prefers French.