Real & Reel Life of a Fangirl

I honestly don't know where to start when I look back at the last five years of my life. All I know is that I was completely out of it.

It felt like an endless cycle of surviving. Moving on from things I never really got the chance to process. Trying to stay sane while life kept happening all at once. There were days when getting through the day was already an achievement.

It was exhausting. Quietly exhausting.

But somehow, there were things and people that kept me sane through all of it.

Kpop, definitely. Super Junior, 2PM, and Got7. Their music became a safe place for me during the days I didn't know how to deal with my own thoughts. Sometimes it wasn't even about the music itself. Them simply existing gave me something to look forward to. Something familiar. Something safe.

K-dramas too. Mostly from my non-negotiable actors who unknowingly carried me through some of the hardest seasons of my life Seonho, Taecyeon, Hae In, Chang Wook, Joo Won, Je Hoon, Bo Gum, Kim Bum, Jinyoung, Junho, and the list honestly just goes on. Their stories became my temporary escape whenever reality felt too much.

Then there were my friends. Probably the hardest part of all of this. Losing people, outgrowing connections, and realizing not everyone stays when life gets ugly. But the people who chose to stay despite seeing me at my worst? Those are the people I hold onto tightly these days. The ones who never made me feel like I was too much during my darkest moments.

My relationship with God changed too. I thought before that I was already in a good place with Him. But somewhere along the way, I became complacent. I ignored the signs. I let too many things consume my time and take me away from Him without even realizing it. Even during the moments I felt farthest, He still found ways to pull me back gently.

And of course, my family. My father, for always keeping me grounded whenever my emotions became too loud. My mother, for constantly pushing me beyond what I thought I was capable of, even during the times I wanted to give up on myself completely.

Five years later, I can honestly say I'm still healing. Still trying to figure life out. Still carrying scars from everything I had to survive. But at least now, I no longer feel as lost as I used to.

Annyeong Chingu!

Here's a thread of my unsolicited reaction of Sono's big screen debut, The Childe. (And this may be biased)

The movie was fun!

There's plenty of scenes that I find funny because I can't seem to put off the Sono I knew in Ilbak, clumsy and crazy. So everytime he shows sharpness in the movie, I can't help but laugh. 😅 (mian Sono)

He also conveyed that Jokerish feels making facial expressions very smooth.

I didn't like the cinematography of the huge fight scene between the nobleman and an army of thugs. Maybe it was done in purpose to hide some imperfections or it's just the director's style. It  would've been nice if actor's facial reactions were shown.

I also feel bad for Marco who's been chased all through out. Lol

Sono did great and everyone else clearly understood their assignments.

Re-watch value: 9/10

I experienced life with less social media for the past three years I didn’t write here. Less Facebook and Instagram but Twitter, I can't. It will always be may kpop-haven.

I dropped keeping records of my day to day activity and probably getting back here for entries cause I miss expressing myself and hoping that people bumping into this page may pick up something good.

Also, It's good to look back and see how I've grown emotionally, spiritually, and mentally.

So hello to you if you're reading this. Declaring blessing over blessing to you and your household; praying for God's protection to your family members from head to foot and all the abundance this life could offer.

Going back, I've been through the process of healing in the past 3 years. It wasn't easy and I can say I haven't fully recovered. Despite of everything, my heart is more than willing to love as much as it can or even more than it can.

Two Days & 1 Night S4 was my healing show. I found Kim Seonho to be my greatest healing warrior. He's also my biggest "BUDOL" (it means implusive buying in Filipino)

I added his merch to my fair share of growing kpop collection. Oh and also Ravi's (from VIXX) merch. I instantly became a HoRavi shipper and later on a solid OT6.

I got a new job title, unexpectedly and not part of my life's plan definitely.

The Lord is always faithful to His promises. I am deeply amazed how he lead me to where I am now, fit for exactly what I need just at the right time. 

For now, I'm a daughter fulfilling my duties to the best people who brought me up and showered me with unconditional love.

My mind's busy thinking about the same things over and over. Almost a year... time didn't change anything.

I loathe myself for that.

I tried to pop the bubble thoughts but it persistently appears everywhere. 

My days are restless, even my nights; I can't even figure light and dark out. I sleep when it finds me but most of the time it doesn't. There are days when I feel hopeful and there are more days I am hopeless. When today is cheerful, tomorrow will be dreadful. I stopped trying to fathom; I  disregarded the days I'm doing fine.

The food never tasted this bad; all movies are boring; places to see became less appealing; tv shows were not that interresting; Greenwhich's lasagna tastes less salty; takoyaki makes me wanna throw up; crepes doesn't look special at all; and lechon kawali became very unhealthy.

Decluttering was therapeutic. I kept my favorite things in a box not wanting to throw it as much as I don't want seeing it.

Life has been ironic. You are ironic. No, you're insensitive, selfish, immature, and petty. You will never ever fight for us. You are letting me go. You just let me walk away... you didn't chase after me. You are totally not worthy and unhappy.

I need to let you go. I should but I couldn't.

It helps me put my heart at ease during this time of pandemic.

I initially set this up for my daily serve of kpop view because photos and videos here have a good resolution, perfect for downloads; also I'm not a fan of lengthy status on Facebook. My take: If you ought to post something with too much information, you should consider blogging. So here I am trying to share a part of me!

I've been feeling under the weather for the past 6 months. I miss my happiness until this enhanced community quarantine (ECQ) came. I've had all sorts of emotion in a span of 4 weeks; thought bubbles were everywhere; all-worrying thoughts; to the point I felt like I've no one to turn to; and no one will ever understand nor can ease all the negativity inside me.

I'm surea I can handle these mixed up but my stubborn heart won't let it be. I felt deprived of having to mourn for something special I've lost or maybe (just maybe) I didn't have the right to begin with; I never had that right; and now I hate my heart for having so much love despite this mess I'm in.

I convince myself everyday to do a great job by merely surviving through the same sh*t over and over. (When will this be over?)

I pray things will soon turn the way I hoped it to be.

This is quite a late entry about the most fun show ever! I've been busy with work and personal issues, adulting can be very gruelling at times.

If only I could see these boys everyday, I would've done all sort of things to make that kind of impossible to be possible. That would be one of the sweetest escape of my life!

I knew I had to get the good seat because I was so broke during SS7 that I settled for the cheapest ticket back then.

Ticketing for SS8 was a little stressful but with SJ, things always work out fine.

Concert day was a few spoilers: Frozen 2 (which made me laugh big time) and Donghae's 2ya2yao dance moves that was captured by a fancam. Oh and Heechul is my total bias-wrecker on every show but Kyuhyun stepped-up on Hee's absence; so there goes my new bias-wrecker. 😅 I love Donghae, btw. 🥰

I prioritized the good seat over Sujubong and decided to use my old-school but still working Donghae light stick. I'm blessed to have a good friend who lent me her own because she watched SS8 in Seoul and will be watching SS8 in Japan. (And I'm so envious!)

The best trademark of PHELFs, we try to understand their situation and we are fearless to express that kind of unconditional love we have for each of the members. That Sungmin and Heechul fanchant is a proof that we will always be the most passionate audience.

I love this fandom so much! We help each other; we try in our best way to be good to one another; we deal with issues in a very adult way; and I can see that we've grown as much as the ahjussis have grown.

I have other groups that I love but Super Junior, these boys, will always be home. They are my first love and will be with them until the very end.

It ended in 3 hours; not the usual long and lots of costume change kind of show. I'm used to a longer time for encore but this one is a little short.

I know I know, the ahjussis are getting a little older that they may need more time to catch their breath after a few song and dance but it's good to see them decide on their own; communicate like pros; and provide a show that's all about them; totally worth it! Oh the stage was huge and awesome. Thank you and great job Director Lee Hyukjae! 😍

Always always the best show!

Loved Got7 since JJ Project's debut. Back in Dream High days and JJP's debut up until Got7's first album was launched.

Four years of streaming videos and songs, watching their IG and Twitter, followed fan accounts here on Tumblr, watching broadcasts, and reading articles on the internet. It was what an international fan could best do for them.

My last stint with them was that hi-touch event 4 years ago here in Manila.

So when me and my friend learned about their first major concert in the Philippines, we knew we wouldn't let it pass. We secured our tickets as early as we can and tried our might to get the best seat of the show. I had to listen to a concert setlist created on Spotify to totally rub that concert feels in.

Concert day was fun and full of love. I got to see how the Got7 fandom works. Freebies and food support are everywhere. One thing I love about this fandom is almost everyone is nice. No race, no differences; just love for the 7 boys. 💚

I must say, I know I always say this, Got7 is totally superb on stage. I've never seen a performance that they didn't put their soul and energy into; they're always at their bestest. Album songs are good but you would appreciate them more when they sing it live. Always surprisingly good! Always! 🥰

Mark is such a cry baby. Everyone's cute. They are very funny and interactive, they learned some Tagalog words by merely speaking with us. My faves are Mark and JB but Jinyoung and Jackson are my bias-wrecker. Bambam and Youngjae are the best in fan-service. Yugyeom will always be everyone's bunso (youngest sibling). They are always after the fans safety.

My most unforgettable concert moments are:

• Jinyoung's very deep Thank You message.

• JB's vocals.

• Jackson's husky voice and biceps which, by the way, made all my concert ticket worth it. 😁

• Mark, crying over the video and giving out his jacket to a fan.

• Bambam figuring out "Walang uuwi."

• Yugyeoms's sweet smile during his Thank You message.

• Youngjae, staying on stage even after the show ended.

More than month have passed and I'm still high by the lovely experience. Whenever I feel a little bit under the weather I look at the pictures and videos I took during the concert and I got that feeling of happiness and excitement.

I was busy staying unfocused to my most favorite thing to do for the past few months or years maybe.

I kept myself busy with God's answered prayers on my Faith Goals as He continue to fulfill His promise. It was a struggle but so far it has been a life of blessings over blessings and I couldn't ask for more.

I dropped BuJo-ing because it takes too much time planning/visualizing and I'm missing out on some of my hobbies. I went back to the conventional journal and read books on my spare time. I missed reading as much as I missed spending time with family, I'm so engrossed with k-dramas that I spent my weekends on the couch, if not, either overthinking or sleeping.

I kept myself from the world. I want to be free from the negativity I never wanted to, but accidentally absorb from the people I associate with. Short or long talks, I don’t enjoy it anymore. I'm as opinionated as I am but I got tired of hearing people's biased opinions cause try real hard to weigh every situation in the best way I can.

Aside from reading, I plan to learn new things, a revamp on my professional perspective is much needed. God has been faithful that he placed me exactly where my heart needs to be and a good way of giving back all the glory to Him is simply becoming the best out if it.

It's been a while since I visited this place. I've been neglecting it, I feel like I don't have anything positive or good to share at all.

I came back to the point where I'm trying to figure out how life will work out.

One thing that kept me sane is knowing that God is faithful. I may be unsure of His plans but it doesn't mean He's not doing something.

My life for the past 5 years is nothing but a series of great comebacks after minor setbacks. It has been God's way of ALWAYS reminding me that He is working on something great!

It's good to see how the list on my faith goals are being checked one by one. I always find my self in tears, uttering praises everytime I tick one out of the constants on the list. I will continue to believe that the day would come that I can get to check it all off the list.

It isn't that bad not to know where we're headed and it isn't that awful to be unstable for a time. People may measure our life with the ways of the world, but we should remain steady and focused to the ways of the Lord.

It's not easy to be obedient and totally faithful, there will be struggles, pains, and holdbacks. At the end of it all, it is always good to trust our ever faithful God.

His timing is always the right and perfect time. 😍

Ending a 5-year draught for a genuinely happy show, the boys were back in Manila.

📷: Pulp Live World

I almost cry when the lights went off as the sapphire blue lights and girl-screaming filled the arena. I can't hide the joy I'm feeling! Flashbacks of good friendships and laughter came all to me, this felt like home.

I wanted to enjoy it and let the others take photos and videos. I'll just look into their fancams later on because I wanted to keep and make the memories vivid in my head and in my heart.

My friends and I love their new songs but we couldn't hide the excitement hearing them sing their old songs. I'm quite surprised that I can still sing and go along with the fanchants too. We all knew we are older fans when we scream upon hearing Sorry Sorry and Bonamana intro. Hearing my friends sing-along Miracle, U, and It's You got me quite giddy.

I also knew we became older when we heed instructions of the organizers from the announcement to ticketing, claiming or buying the merch and up to being on time for lining up for the concert.

Most of all I knew I became older when I got headache after screaming real hard when the show just got started. My legs started to feel sore after their 5th song and I have to sit down during the VCR and ment to recharge.

I'm just happy to have seen the boys giving their best from speaking in Filipino, reaching out, and just having fun. They've matured in their own special way.

Heechul's energy is so contagious and Siwon's graceful dance moves is to die for! I'm a Donghae bias by the way and he is just perfect. 😍

The letter to ELFs and flashback photos of the past Super Shows in Manila got everyone quite emotional, made me miss the other members esp Kyuhyun and Sungmin.

It would be more fun if all the members were here including the Chinese members.

The show ended happy and energetic, thanks to Heechul for being so hyped.

I just felt that the concert and encore was a little short with jumping and playing around. I know the boys are adding numbers to their age too, just like us, and I so understand that part. 😊

SS7 in Manila was way organized than the previous shows I've experienced maybe because mostly fans are ahjummas or should I say more mature? I dunno how to say it. 😅

The ticket price was reasonable despite the short notice.

I'll be holding on to their promise of coming back for SS8. And I will make sure that we are so ready for it!

We went to the airport to send them off making the word 'worth it' underrated. It will always be more than worth it with Super Junior. Ang gwapo talaga ni Heechul! (Lo Siento Donghae-ssi😜) That's all I can say after the airport bliss.

Seriously done with Reply 1988 series after watching it twice.

I took out the subbed quotes on Kiss Asian from the scene that hit me real hard and I can relate so much.

And it goes like this:

In the end, fate and timing do not just happen out of coincidence. They are product of earnest, simple choices that makes up miraculous moments.

Being resolute, making decision without hesitation, that is what makes timing.

He wanted her more than I did. And I should've been more courageous.

It was not the traffic light's fault. It was not timing.

It was my many hesitations.

- Kim Jung Hwan, Reply 1988 Ep18

Adults, mostly, are bound by an abundance of hang-ups making them over analyze things leading to hestitions and then regrets.

We can free ourselves from the rules we've set by just forgetting it for once and face the consequences later on.

If something is bound to happen it will happen along with the faith that all things will work together for good.

So, why don't we just go for it? Take the risk and if all else fails, there's always a room for growth.

The aftermath of working at night for a decade is now taking its toll.

Naps became a hobby and my major lifesaver.

It's just a pain when the "normal" ones (people who can sleep at night and work at day time) are all tucked in bed while I get restless by midnight, also the time when thoughts are gushing in my head and I am forced to write it down.

Feeling a little bummed updating and catching up with my bujo for March. I'm considering the option of printable layouts cause being artsy fartsy is fun but it's  taking away my time and energy.

I will still add colors and pictures from time to time to replenish the positive and happy energy it brings in me. 

I found a beautiful mess with someone who's been by my side despite me being in the most skunky situation, when I have nothing more to give.

This guy reminded me that we're a team and we ought to stick together when life is hard. He's been very patient as I throw monthly turned weekly tantrums until I got to manage my hormonal rages.

The sacrifices we make are nothing compared to the happiness and peace we give out for each other; keeping that in mind.

Love goes hand in hand with patience and understanding. If we lose either of one, we will eventually be unkind.

If we always get broken promises it's hard to keep that strong affection. It's even more difficult be tolerant when insecurity and doubts gets in the way.

When this kind of sh*t runs in my head I recall the happy days when I don't mind being hurt at all and I will find myself going back to where and why I even started.

It gets a little stuffy when my neurons are working. Its difficult for my fingers to catch up. My eyes are tired already and I should hit the sack now.

Adj.

Smit-ten

: deeply affected with or struck by strong feelings of attraction, affection, or infatuation

I've been looking for inspiration about my heart's day post until I came across the word "smitten" on the dictionary.

I think love always or most of the time starts with it. 

Our chest explodes with emotion the moment it hit us.  At first we may be scared but the the thrill of finding out if the other end feels the same can never hold us back.

That's how most of us have been bitten by the love bug, we seek that sense of mystery as we unfold our own love story.

We could've just ignored their initial attempt when they ask for our number or ignore their friend request on social networking sites but how in the world did we decide to let them in in our lives?

Then a million dollar question popped into my head: how do we keep the feelings/affection strong? How do we sustain the interest?

I say we ask ourselves these questions:

• Will I still be there if his fart/ breath smells like hell?

• Will I stay if he ran out of financial resources?

• Will I be able to endure his shortcomings?

• Will I take care of him if a disease hits him?

• Will I be able to forgive if he commited a major "X" in our relationship rule?

The list of questions can go on and on but the answer is just between yes or no. 

It sure is easy to say that we are smitten towards our siginificant others but loving them beyond their imperfections is one of the biggest process we have to go through.

My unsolicited advice:

Let's find someone who will make loving easy despite all the troubles.

And with that I'll leave you to contemplate and live by these words:

Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

1 Corinthians 13:4‭-‬7

Dear 2017,

My goodbye came in late because sickness got me  2 weeks before you ended. I'm still thankful that I've been healthy all year despite less exercise and poor diet.

I'm grateful that I've learned the significance of fasting, a curve I walked through for my growth as a believer. It was a deep consecration and breakthrough as I humbled myself to the Lord. Thank you God for Your grace and faithfulness.

You gave me a flat line - heart rate kind of emotion.

I realized that love is a choice and it's not based on feelings alone. We stay because we want to make it work; We stay because we wanted to make it last; And we stay because we wanna grow old with the other person.

Thanks for letting me know that it is okay to lose everything you have during the process of loving but never ever lose your self because the moment you start to lose it,  you will eventually lose everything.

You reminded me that being jobless for some time is okay because it's just a minor setback. I found few dependable friends at this trying days of my life. I spent time with my parents that brought me back to the days when I lived simply.

Let's work hard not for the money, let's work hard because we love what we're doing.  Don't get blinded by the material things because at the end of the day it is our character that will always count.

I had my most meaningful travels in your year: Iloilo/Guimaras, Cebu, and Baguio. It all taught me how valuable it is to invest on friendship because these people will be there no matter how far or difficult it is and they may be even there at the very end of our existence.

Thank you for everything I learned in your year. You were gone so fast but you're one of the most memorable.

Please remind 2018 to be easy on me as it pave its way for my best comeback.

Always,

The whole trip wasn't intended to scream on the mountains of Sagada to find where the broken hearts go rather a kind of a buzzer-beater decision for an overnight trip.

Pia was a little intoxicated when she expressed to Kaye her plans of going to Baguio on her long weekend.

I, who've known them for more than a decade, laughed it off as they told me about it. I know for sure 90% of it likely won't push through and 99% will definitely be pursuing plans B to Z.

They proved me wrong when midnight hits and we all decided to go, 3 hours before the first trip departs. I literally threw all my stuff in the bag while nursing a headache and a slight fever. Packed in 15 minutes!

Arrived 8:30am and the weather was great.

It was my kind of morning.

I started to picture myself getting up from bed, reading the morning paper, sipping hot tea by the right hand, breathing in fresh air, and steamy morning kisses while cuddling with the love of your life. Perfect!

Baguio will surely make me a morning person.

Thanks to Kaye and Pia's connection we found a place to stay and a guide/new found friend for the trip.

Strawberry taho at Burnham Park and after which I had strawberry ice cream... The trees and flowers are full of colors while watching people go to and fro with the rental bikes at the park.

Had lunch at Grumpy Joe's and their nacho salad was super!

Mine's  View Park was a little crowded but I was in awe to see God's amazing creation. Seeing the mountains covered in trees and clouds is so legit.

We had dinner at Vizco's. I had mushroom soup and a slice of red velvet cake to satisfy my cravings but their strawberry shortcake is a must-try!

Session Rd. was closed for the tree lighting event that gave us the chance to do a night stroll, take photos, and enjoy the coldness of the air. Experienced the night market filled with ukay-ukay and street foods. I would've eaten everything that I like if I'm  not sick so I settled with the Korean fish cake.

Went home by midnight and slept like a Panda until the following day.

Last bus to depart to Cavite leaves after 12 noon so we roamed around Session Rd. and found a good place to eat for the last few hours we have.

I was sick the entire trip but it made me realize that I'm with these two 16 years ago and have known them for 2 decades.

We're still the same girls from our group who would go out of the way for the sake of a crazy experience, they were the girls whom I've never expected to spend the silliest part of my college years. We were the same girls who had that intensity 6.4 earthquake at Baywalk by night when we're supposed to be home doing reports and presentations for school. We're the same bunch who would eat at the walls of Intramuros to save to money for a movie or 2 bottles of beer because we wanna be drunk and forget the misery of our love and lives back then. I remember we would walk at every park in Manila because heavy traffic awaits us if we go home or simply we just wanna get away from our life's pressure back then.

A lot of things have changed now. Things got better, I say. Life got more complicated but our wants and needs are way simple. We now realize how important it is to rest, eat the right food, and the must to feed our spirits by serving God.

We replaced the beer-drinking part with coffee/tea sesh, pushed each other to do better. We still go for a walk, chat like there's no tomorrow, streamed movies and dramas, became ninangs to our each other's kids, plan weddings and baby/bridal showers, cook for each other and all of the adult stuff we could think of.

The best part? Making fun as we blackmail each other to spill our embarassing heartbreaks/experiences we all did together when we were younger.

Baguio sure made me feel a little bit old now but it made me learn that the cliché, some good things never really change, is undeniably genuine.

Finding someone who knows the right buttons to push is a wonder.

I was having iced coffee and fries by midnight when all these thoughts gushed into my head.

I'm exchanging messages with this guy when I realized how exciting it can be to see his nickname flashing on my screen.

It's even more amazing that I can laugh hard or smile a lot with his words that could've been flat and cold for others.

What in the world did I do to deserve someone who'd understand every inch and bits of my being; someone who could see me beyond my "uhms" and "aaaahs"; someone who could even read what's in my head by just a nod.

I'm not trying to sugarcoat or make it sound sweet because deciding on day1 wasn't easy, who says that day 731 became better? 1000th day was worse but did anyone mention that life is just a walk in the park?

Maybe you wanna know why I'm trying so hard to convince you that I'm okay and yes, that I'm truly happy. I won't even persuade you to believe me.

This is not about my journey on finding Mr. Right.

This is me finding someone who can make me switch from mood to mood in a snap.

Mad to in-love; lonely to crazy; ecstatic to cozy; chill to hungry; and all the odd shift of emotions you could think of.

Having this guy around is like a sudden flat line after an arrest and then going back to life.