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In other news I started watching House MD and Why Raeliana ended up at the something somethings mansion. and also Love is blind Habibi and world of winx and ouran high school host club
the love of my life asked me out for eid WITH A ROSE and took it back. said he hasnt changed his mind on what we talked about earlier. I'm assuming he means about the fact he's not ready to consider marriage at all because I told him I don't want a haram relationship at all. But hey at least its clear he likes me. He got a buzz cut a week later. Its bittersweet knowing we could have been on a date tomorrow. But its okay. We both chose to please Allah. Alhmadhulillah for that. I'm gonna hole myself up in my books tomorrow. Maybe I'll go to the library for the sake of getting out of the house. Exams are in less than 50 days. Its time to lock in. I've spent so long wallowing. Now's the time to get on to doing unless I want to live in regret again. Now's a good time to re-read my piece on academic regret I assume.
win for today my friend said he tried doing the ophthamology assignment "my way" (actually using the book and reputable internet sources to research the topic rather than plugging it into chatgpt like most of my class usually does). told me he actually learned the topic in a way that he remembers and that it inspired him to keep studying on his own
idk I'm so proud genuinely it makes me so happy that he's happy to have learned
Let me tell you what a 237 day Anki streak gives you in med school. It gives you a 29th Percentile rank and a score of 66.7%. Of course, it would have been way better if the subject did not make tons of unnecessary flashcards and waste her time with useless concepts and actually stayed on top of her classes but all's well that ends well.
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I want to start by saying this is NOT a guide. If anything, It comes closest to being a disorganized rant. Its basically what I would tell myself if I could go back in time. I wrote down that I’d also slap my past self. But my better judgement suggests that I should be kinder to myself. I’d give her a hug. She did the best with what she had when she finally tried, and I applaud and thank her for that. She was so brave and so, so, kind. I truly appreciate her effort. If not for her strength I would not be here today. Here’s a kiss to her forehead. I celebrate the immense trust she had in God and her love for me. My love, past self, you were so strong, I love you. You feel more and more distant from me every day, and yet you burn bright, scarlet red. You truly were a teenager full of rage.
1. Past papers
Past papers are the BEST resource for scoring good marks at A-Level. They provide a great insight into the question types as well as prepares you to answer questions in the way that examiners expect you to answer for them to give you a good grade. Doing past papers will help familiarize yourself with patterns and will make you less likely to suffer from exam anxiety later on. Regretfully, I barely did any past papers, especially at A2 level. For each subject I did, I can count on one hand the number of papers I've done. I did do quite a few Dhivehi HSC papers. (SSC papers also help for Dhivehi HSC btw)
2. YouTube videos
YouTube videos are great if you're looking to improve your understanding of a specific concept. This is especially helpful fur biology and math. Personally, I did not use YouTube at all for chemistry, however, I am inclined to believe that many would find it helpful and really urge everyone to make good use of it. When I was cramming for my A2 exams and had only about 2 weeks left I realized the sheer amount of content I had missed as I had skipped so many classes. I do wish I had at least started watching YouTube videos to catch up on the syllabus a bit earlier.
3. Skimming through textbooks
I do not have much to say regarding textbooks except that when I thought it would be useful, it wasn’t – and when I thought it would not be useful, it was. I assume that’s just my misassumption. I most likely some of you will be more perceptive of when you should reach out for it. However, I did find that at times when I had missed many classes it certainly did help to go through the textbook after attempting a past paper to no avail. I mostly suggest just reading through the contents, learning outcomes and processes, as I found that reading the processes did indeed help grasp them better, such as the Kreb’s cycle and all the neuron and muscle processes. (I forgot them all, can you tell? Let this be a reminder to you to NOT procrastinate, get off TikTok and Genshin impact and start grinding)
4. Anki Cards
If you’re an aspiring medical student like me, I’m sure you would’ve heard of Anki cards already. If not, Anki is basically a flashcard app, like Quizlet but better. I would get into the details but everyone always says the same thing and I do not want to sound like a broken record. You should look it up and when you do, you’ll see what I mean. Regardless, I found Anki especially helpful for Biology and Islam. These 2 subjects are memorization heavy, and although people do say you should not use Anki to learn but should use it for recall, I digress. Use it however you want, and besides – I was way beyond saving at this point. When I was cramming for Islam just 3 days in advance, Anki was the way to go. Took 2 days to make the cards and memorized them all on the last day. Don’t do that though. Halfway through and I’ve forgotten what the title was. What I would’ve done differently. How silly. I would’ve made cards early and actually used the cards as I should have. But if you’re like me and procrastinate like a little bitch, don’t fret. You’ve still got this.
5. Paying attention in class and not being late
I’m not going to pretend I regret missing math class. Maybe a little because I ended up failing (getting a B) but not enough to make me cry. (Lies.) But anyways, for a class that was 45 minutes long, I showed up 30 minutes late. Math was always first for the entire year. And for a night owl like me, this meant that there was nothing you could do to make me get to school on time. I am a changed person. I promise I go to work on time no matter what now. But back then I only had 2 things in mind. Have fun and get rest. That was not a good mindset. I was spaced out the entire class. I do regret this. Everyday, every week, every month, for 2 years, I paid almost 0 attention in class. On the rare occasions which I did, I learnt so much, unless I was scrambling to understand because I hadn’t paid attention on earlier days. For the lessons which days I did the classwork and participated during lessons, I found that I had an easier time understanding them later on. Genuinely, if anyone reads this, I’m sure you’re laughing at this paragraph because who even states such an obvious thing right? Well, back at you, my friend. Sometimes we do need the obvious to be stated in bold and highlighted in yellow.
6. More religious – focus on what matters (SKIP THIS IF YOU’RE NOT MUSLIM!!)
As you can already tell, I was a very irresponsible little bitch during my A levels. Too With 0 discipline, I was not as religious as I wish I had been. Albeit I did pray Tahajjud almost daily, I was very lost in the worldly life. I was not focused on my Akhira at all. This led me to living very freely and without regret. However, the numerous distractions couldn’t put a will to live inside me. Although I had been outwardly very happy and outgoing, it was a depressing time. Only a few levels above rock bottom, but that’s a story for another day. I did reconnect with Allah close to A levels. Not because I wanted good grades but because I had gone too far away. In the end, my closeness with Allah helped me to regain my motivation to study, and was the driving force to start cramming, even in the little time I had. If I could go back in time, I would recite Quran for an hour every day, and do my dhikr in addition to Tahajjud.
7. Wearing less makeup
As you might have already guessed, I was a pretty shallow person during that time and made sure to have a full face of makeup every day. This is not to say that you become a shallow person if you wear a full face of makeup every day. It is only my personal experience that when I wear makeup, it’s usually for shallow reasons. I would spend hours every day getting ready even after waking up late. In essence, my priorities were all jumbled up. It’s not that I would wear less makeup, but I would not place such high importance for my looks, especially over my studies. Studies would come first, looking good will come after. Besides, who cares if I’m pretty if I fail my finals? As a young girl, I cared too much.
8. Quality over quantity in friendships and leave the romantic pursuits for later
As someone who had been bullied almost my whole life, I was thrilled to finally learn how to get along. I made many friends during A levels. This new found sense of belonging did not translate well in my academics. I was distracted. I prioritized my friends more than my studies. I became more confident in my romantic pursuits as well. In the end, I lost sight of what mattered the most and ruined my once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to change my life. I failed my parents and my family. I failed myself.
9. Believe in myself
I used to loath myself terribly. I guess to an extent I still do. This is entirely my own fault I suppose, and it wouldn’t matter if it did not affect anyone else. Unfortunately, my lack of self esteem has disappointed my family and teachers. Everyone except me believes in me. This is not a blessing but a curse. Because this has only led to me disappointing them all. At the end of the day, I am despised for being lazy. I avoided attending classes, self-studying, doing any form of practice or revision for months because I was terrified of failure. Insecurity turned to self-sabotage. The humiliation I failed in the end was greater than what I would have if I had been honest with myself to begin with. I will admit, a lot of these issues came from the fact that my teachers and parents called me a gifted child. Without offering any guidance or support, this so-called ‘love’ suffocated me. I was afraid of not meeting their expectations. They couldn’t possibly know I was not the brightest child ever if I never tried. Their comments always seemed to swing between two opposites. Sometimes it was, “It’s okay. You’re doing so well and you’re barely trying.” And when they would decide to no longer look at me through their eyes of mercy they’d say, “You’re arrogant. You’ll never make it. You think you can do it but we know with that little effort you can’t.” How ignorant. I believed I would never make it, regardless of whatever effort I made. To this day I do not know what life would be like if I had worked hard with confidence. Do me a favor, dear, reader, and let me know. The alternative is turning out like me, btw.
10. Maintain a healthy lifestyle
I’ve never been to a psychiatrist, but I can confidently say I have mental issues. I assume its depression but what would I know, I’m no psychiatrist. I am always tired, dehydrated, sleep deprived and starving. Oftentimes I shiver and I am constantly cold. I shake with anxiety in the face of people. Nothing seems worth spending my time on. I never exercise, I am always in bed, rotting. That is until I go to work. Have I mentioned I work at a hospital? Although I work shift duties, this work has given me a sense of routine. I enjoy speaking to patients. Even on my worst days, I find that helping people gives me a sense of accomplishment and goal. I lose track of time. I am so engrossed I don’t even realize when the day passes by. That said, I believe a healthy life style would greatly benefit anyone. Get enough sleep, drink enough water, eat well, rest and move. My caffeine-addicted-back-broken-ass with no sense of day or night anymore won’t. But you definitely should. I won’t, obviously, but if you do it will only be for your own good.
As I've already mentioned, this is not a guide in any way, and is not meant to be used as such. This is merely myself reflections and what I wish I had done differently. These are my flaws I wish to change going forward. That said, it would make me happy if this ended up helping someone out, somehow.
To the girl who was afraid of trying, you did it anyway (Grave, you've progressed to year 2 medicine!)
Its been a long time since I've written and posted something truly raw and from my heart. I remember writing through tears back when I had gotten my A -Level results. Things have changed, most importantly I have changed. I just finished first year of medical school, and regardless of the fact I didn't do as well as I had hoped, I am proud of myself. All I can say is alhamdhulillah.
I was a girl who was afraid of trying. I was afraid to really push myself in case it wasn't enough. Perfectionism got the better of me. I would half-ass anything and everything because if I didn't try I could always just say I'd do better if I had tried. But losing the opportunity to get the government scholarship at A-Levels snapped me back to reality. No, it wasn't even that. I was sick of watching my life pass me by. I wanted to take control, and so take control I did.
I felt insanely privileged to be able to go abroad and study medicine at all. That too at a good university? I had to give it my all, it couldn't be any other way. I had already used up my 'failure quota' for my life.
I woke up and felt everyday was a blessing. Every night I got to sleep was a blessing, and every night that I spent burning the midnight oil was also a blessing. I was truly, truly grateful.
A while ago, I had posted about what I'd do differently if I did A-levels again. Granted, I am writing about my first year results in med school, I do think those things were important for my growth.
Past Papers - My university does not provide past papers but we do have access to a question bank for which students make questions for. There's also passmedicine, which I did use even though it was way above the level required by my university. I do want to note that I didn't start doing questions as early as I should have. I started only in the beginning of Sem 2, once again because of my perfectionist tendencies, but in sha Allah next year I will definitely start from the first week itself.
YouTube videos - A lot of my classmates found Ninja Nerd videos helpful, but I find that they are much longer than I'd prefer. I would typically use textbooks for physiology and pathophysiology, because videos just aren't thorough enough. I did like using YouTube for Anatomy though.
Skimming through textbooks - skim? I didn't know that word this past year. I had a tendency to deep dive into textbooks, way too much. That has got to stop, so next year I plan to treat textbook deep dives as a reward, not a necessity.
Anki - 237 day streak, loved it. Made too many cards tho. Gotta tone it down next year.
Paying attention in class and not being late - Well, so far it seems I di just fine sleeping in class and arriving half an hour late. But tbf, life would be easier and I'd be able to go to bed earlier if I made the most of my classes, and I really do gotta start.
More religious - ok so, i was not perfect, but I was devout. Loved that for me. I need to spend more time reciting Quran next year.
Wearing less makeup - I barely wear any now. I do need to start doing skincare though. My face is a mess rn, even my mum's begging me to use benzoyl peroxide. Don't judge.
Quality over quantity in friendships and leave the romance for later - i have like 3 friends and its great. Romance if it comes it comes.
Believe in myself - Hell yeah.
Maintain a healthy lifestyle - I slept at 4am every night and woke up at 6am... Don't ask... I fell asleep immediately after my last exam. That's what 10 months of sleepless nights does to you.
That's all. It does seem I lost my love for writing. I just can't comprehend writing flowery prose anymore. I used to write to escape. Now I write to remember. This isn’t poetry, but it’s honest, and that’s enough.
I’ve always felt that I was hard to love. From the fatigue in my mother’s voice telling me she can’t hold me anymore when I was a child, to most of my friends never really enjoying listening to me just talk the way they do when our other friends talk, I’ve always felt that to love me, it took great effort. And yet I don’t believe it. My friends have told me that loving me comes naturally and I know that my mother finds solace in my advice. I know that my nature radiates joy, and I know I act with integrity. People around me have told me. So, tell me, why is it that in practice it’s all so hard? Why is it that in practice, these same friends who tell me that I’m worth so much drain out my words through their ears? Why is it that doing things that bring me joy is a chore for the same people who claim that I deserve only the best? Why is it that I tell these same people that I think someone may be interested in me I’m only met with criticism and ‘Oh, you’re so delusional!’ While supporting our other friends? What is it about me that makes me unworthy of that same love? Why do I not deserve it? And why is it that as soon as I think I am about to be loved the way I wish to be so badly they change up and then the demon emerges once again to hold me firmly by the throat and looks me dead in the eyes to remind me, ‘how could you possibly think that?’
So this post is MANY years old but I was thinking of it today and want to thank @elodieunderglass for the single most helpful piece of actionable mental health advice I’ve ever gotten.
Also I’ve found that the nebulous cloud of unease abates if thanked for giving me vigilance and a signal that it’s time to stop and to go “Okay, what am I actually uneasy about, and what can I actually do about it?”, if that helps?
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Every time a small child starts crying or having a tantrum in my vicinity and I catch the parents glancing at me I’ve started saying “me when…”.
Friend kept trying to tell his crying kindergartener to calm down and relax and the kid growled “I AM relaxed” while visibly tensing every muscle in his body and I was like “oh that’s me at work every day” and we had a chuckle.
Parents look to other adults like “shit are they mad? Do they think my kid is acting like a demon?” And this response is my attempt to say “no. I think your kid is just acting like a human being.”
I WISH I could fling myself on the ground and cry because I experienced a minor inconvenience.
bingewatching will never come close to bingereading. there is nothing like blocking out the entire Earth for ten hours to read a book in one sitting no food no water no shower no bra and emerging at the end with no idea what time it is or where you are, a dried-up prune that's sensitive to light and loud noises because you've been in your room in the dark reading by the glow of a single LED. it's like coming back after a three-month vacation in another dimension and now you have to go downstairs and make dinner. absolutely transcendental
one bad habit I've noticed that Malaysians have is that when they're at the elevator, they don't wait for people who are already on it to get off they just rush in
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