I need to shake it off and not take it so deeply, internalise it and turn on myself about it… but i just want to vent. I just hung out with ****** they reached out to me over a week ago and we were supposed to go to a cafe together last weekend but rescheduled for this weekend. I was really happy that they reached out, relieved, it felt like i was waiting for them to. I quickly became frustrated and annoyed w their response time and the lack of effort and thought with their responses, so i detach more this time. No pressure on them, just what they like and want… hanging out today man… i was so anxious afterwards and im not sure if im just projecting or there were other factors of my day that made me feel not well but i think i am noticing more that i dont feel that great around them. I feel really insecure, constantly wondering what theyre thinking, that im not talking enough or being something enough. I feel they are not very open, warm, welcoming. there is not much of a pathway and opening for me to explore. I feel immediate closedness, not necessarily cold, but far and distant, definitely not present. I feel like they are not enjoying their time when theyre with me and theyre not enjoying me. They feel away and distracted, and i feel like im constantly looking at them trying to hook them back in. but i often mirror people so i embody this far away distant aloof feeling, and i think it makes me feel not good. And my body does not enjoy it. And does not enjoy being around them. Sadly. It feels like a dull, blunt force knocking at my body and my heart. I dont feel light and giddy and happy—how i want to feel around people i enjoy and that i feel they enjoy me… i dont feel an openness. A pathway for me to explore is very important to me. I have a hard time with these feelings because i dont enjoy writing people off very much. But this is just something major to note—my body is not very happy around them.
When i first met them and when i think about times after that we spent together, they do have this anxious and nervous feeling to them; i found it endearing the first time we met. But the more time we spend together and especially bc our relationship feels a bit unsure and unstable at the moment, i am taking the energy to heart and reflecting it on myself as a lack in myself. I can give grace. But it made me very sad, today. It wasn’t a frustrating feeling—it was sad and disappointing. I am taking it personally—the lack of openness. I.. i dunno. I’m pretty sensitive today. on my period. it was hot, too, maybe i was a bit aggravated. I like to stay cool… i felt kind of a mess and scattered. Went to yoga in the morning and met them at a cafe afterwards and the day turned out to be hotter than i expected. I’m wearing a white button down with booty shorts and boots but as hot and sunny as it was today i would have liked to be wearing a tank top and airy shoes, sandals. I ugh… maybe i feel disappointed in myself, like i didn’t act socially perfect enough. But i am just trying to note people i am around that i even think this way… it is most people ngl. Where i feel like i did something wrong. I suppose i feel pretty disappointed because i was very excited about the day and when we parted i was feeling so bad inside. I wish they would openly share how they feel, if there was something wrong, but that is just not them—at least not with me. I am also learning how to take people where they are and who they show me they are. ****** treats me way too casually and with a “cool” attitude that i dont appreciate and enjoy very much. They don’t seem very interested and focused. I really don’t think i’m one to write people off, more of a gradual, over time seeing how i feel around people and determining if it should continue…/i lose interest… but i just want to be careful. With some time and space i tend to forget how i feel around certain people and i become open and willing to see how it goes again, but it’s all information to take in over time and i don’t have to be so rash. I can just get deeply upset and disappointed when i find a relationship isn’t working, like we are not meshing. I am open, i am open… it just hurts. I feel like quite the weirdo around them and i don’t like that feeling. I feel like they find me quite strange and hard to understand. I feel like too much, too. Which is always not a good sign.. i don’t know. Life’s mysteries. I am feeling better being away from each other. I’m sitting under a tree at a park. I drove 40 miles. I will be away goodbye… how strange what a strange person…
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