Do you know this state of mind when you're OK with your current life situation? When you think you've done alright so far and if life continues like that, all would be well? Or maybe that you could improve yourself here and there a little bit, you know, do some things, get more healthy? But in the end, it doesn't really matter that much, because, let's be honest, you don't really need to change, you have your friends, your family, and they all respect you for who you are and that's enough, right? You don't have to prove them anything, I mean, you're here and you're good.
I've been like this for my entire life. Have been blessed with great friends and a loving family, been living in this microcosmos on my own where I could idle in the current of my own lifetime.
But when I went to bed at the end of the day and let my subconsciousness take over control, I heard it. Most of the time I was able to block it out, or drown it in the energy of the things that surround me, thoughts, music, work, conversations. If there was a moment of silence though, it immediately waited there for me, in the back of my head, reproachfully staring at me, a dark background noise that never slept. During night times it was particularly strong, it masked all the things I accomplished during daytime under a thick heavy blanket and sat on top of it, preventing me from ignoring it. And it always said the same things, over and over again, for years, reminding me:
”you can do better why are you like this lazy lazy lazy everyone's looking down at you you're guilty and damn right so keep up you disgrace“
I fell asleep, woke up, and felt guilty. Lived through my day, fell into my bed, and it was welcoming me with open jaws, and I plunged into them every night because hey, I came out alive every morning, so why change? I'm OK with this, I choose this, I know I'm flawed and I know I could do better, hell, I could do A LOT better, but you know, why change? I'm okay, my life is okay, I'll manage.
And then I went to an OK birthday party and met an old schoolfriend there whom I haven't seen in years. And we just talked, and forgot about everybody else around us. We talked until the sun went down and it got uncomfortable outside, the birthday party ended and we met up one week later and continued talking about everything. Literally everything. And I didn't want it to end. We met each weekend after that. After a few weeks me almost met every second day. My friend told me after a while I could totally live at her place if I wanted to. She told me her family accepted me as one of their own children. She told me her dog misses me when I leave her and go back to my home.
And the next day I wake up and see I have a few new messages of my friend, and I read them and jump out of my bed, laughing. Then she tells me things, we should do something together, take a walk? She tells me what she's accomplished in the past few months, she started doing sport, she has achieved a lot of goals that she didn't know were possible. Has done brave things, given up careers, because the pressure was too high, unhealthily high. She fills her day with so much activities and still has time for me. And tells me she really loves me. And I love her. We think alike. We say the same things at the same time, have long discussions about the apparently most useless things.
She nudges me, carefully: Hey! You should do this, this is great, good for your health, too! I do it, too, let's do it together. But lazy lazy lazy disgraceful you're guilty Me has an OK life, why change? She nudges again: Hey why are you still up late? You should go to bed earlier, you crazy person! I know I know but I have bad thoughts I need to think them through Go to bed now or I'll ring you out of bed tomorrow at 5AM!
She's clever, she knows how I work, she's been in my shoes.
Shoves me into the right direction. Ever so slightly. Gradually, I feel something changing. It is still watching me with angry eyes, but it has been more quiet now for the past few months.
My friend has managed to make me break my OK cycle. She has made me do things that I wouldn't have ever done by myself, because lazy lazy lazy disgraceful Me didn't think it was necessary, or even possible, to move on, get better. But my friend did. I'm doing sport now, I'm feeling every muscle ache in my body as I type this, only today we took part in some crazy sport class that had me sweating buckets. If someone had told me one year ago I went to a gym 4 times a week now I would have laughed into their faces.
I have discovered an old friend and she's been there with me for almost a year now, we're seeing each other several times a week, and she pulled my sorry ass out of my OK life, dragged it up by several feet and made me look at it from her perspective, without uttering a single word of critic. She just elevated me by her sheer energy, craziness, and kindness.
With this way more emotional message than originally planned, I'd like to nominate my friend Katharina for the best friend I could ever wish for.
origamiaround
yousharknotpass
dailybridgerton
stormborns
snowghoul
