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Summary: You fulfill your promise to write to Bucky while he is away.
Warnings: Um? Excessive letter writing?
A/N: And once again, you’ll suffer, but you’ll be at least marginally happy about it. Godspeed.
Catch up here!
Sergeant James Buchanan Barnes,
You wanted me to be mean, and I’ll do my very best. Not for you or because you told me to, of course. I just naturally feel the urge to wipe that absurdly charming smile off your face. Now, I don’t want you writing back crying to me about this, you hear me? This is what you asked for. As if I was going to be sending you love letters otherwise. Don’t go making jokes about the scented paper, alright? I spilled my perfume on it by accident and for no romantic reason. So, there.
And I know I enclosed a photograph, which is the sort of thing all the gals are sending to their fellas overseas, but I’m only slipping it in here because Betty insisted. She just got a camera from her Aunt Edna, and she wants to show off her new hobby to as many people as possible. I’m only in it because Betty wanted to see how the material on my new dress would photograph. So quit your smiling; it has nothing to do with you. You’re more than welcome to toss it out or send it back.
Summary: Steve finds letters you've written in your closet, but they're not what he thinks.
Warnings: death of a child, mentions of emotional cheating
Word Count: 3070
a/n: This was heavily inspired by the song Ronan by Taylor Swift. It's what I consider to be the saddest thing I've written, but can I really say that when the sad parts come from the song? This song just always has a way of making me feel something when nothing else will work. Idk it's been in my drafts for awhile, and I can't seem to finish anything else, so here it is.
"What the hell are these?" Steve asked, voice hard as he threw a stack of envelopes into your lap with no regard for your current conversation. You looked apologetically to Wanda and Nat before picking up the pile.
Your face paled instantly when you realized what you were holding. "Where did you..."
"Our closet. You couldn't even find a better hiding place for your secret love letters than our shared closet." Steve fumed, Bucky glaring at you over his shoulder. His volume attracted more witnesses, the rest of the team filing in from the kitchen to see what the fuss was about.
"Our shared closet, but my personal belongings," you countered. "You had no right."
Steve scoffed, rolling his eyes. "Don't turn this around on me. I was only looking for a place to hide this." He threw a small velvet box in your direction, one you were barely able to catch because of the force behind the throw.
Nearly everyone in the room gasped when you opened it to reveal a beautiful engagement ring. The happiness from Steve wanting to propose didn't last. How could it when your heart broke from seeing the anger and betrayal filling his eyes?
"Steve... can we talk about this alone?" you whispered, feeling too emotional to raise your voice any louder.
He laughed, but there was no humor to it. "You're the one who lied. You don't get to hide from this. I deserve an explanation."
"Steve, I never lied. I was going to tell you-"
"When? After I proposed? After we got married? After we had kids? How long were you planning to hide this?" he spoke evenly, his voice harder than you've ever heard before.
"I'm sorry. I- I thought you'd understand. I didn't-"
"You thought I'd be okay with you being in love with someone else? Really, Y/N, were you just pretending all these years?" he questioned you.
"In love with someone else?" you mumbled, trying to make sense of his angry words. It suddenly clicked for you that he didn't actually read the letters. "What exactly are you accusing me of?" your own voice hardened to match his tone.
"Exactly what you're guilty of." Bucky cut in to defend his best friend. "Stringing Steve along while you were clearly in love with another man."
You scoffed, earning yourself angry and disappointed looks from the entire team. "You clearly didn't read the letters."
"I read enough," Steve practically snarled with how angry he was. "'I remember your bare feet down the hallway-'" he quoted, but you cut him off.
"I remember your little laugh. Race cars on the kitchen floor, plastic dinosaurs. I love you to the moon and back," you finished for him.
"You've got them memorized?" Steve looked so hurt, Bucky so angry, but in that moment you didn't care.
"I do. I love Levi with my whole heart, and I always will." You could see the tears building in Steve's eyes, but your anger didn't let you care. "Why don't I finish reading the letters, since you so clearly deserve an explanation," your voice was dripping with sarcasm, only burying yourself deeper.
"I remember your blue eyes looking into mine like we had our own secret club."
"She's clearly got a type," Bucky mumbled, but you elected to ignore him for now.
"I remember you dancing before bed time, then jumping on me, waking me up, I can still feel you hold my hand, little man." You could tell the rest of the team was confused by the content of the letters, but the two stubborn super soldiers standing in front of you paid no mind to the exact words.
"And even the moment I knew, you fought it hard like an army guy. Remember I leaned in and whispered to you, 'come on baby with me, we're gonna fly away from here. You were my best four years'"
"So what, our three years don't mean anything to you?" Steve questioned, his anger still overpowering the pain.
"Would you just shut up and listen?" you practically screamed over him, no longer feeling patient enough to deal with their smart ass remarks. It was your turn to glare at him and Bucky. They looked mildly shocked at your outburst, giving you the opening to continue. After a few steadying deep breaths, you resumed.
"I remember the drive home, when the blind hope turned to crying and screaming 'Why?' Flowers pile up in the worst way." Everyone could tell you were talking about losing someone. The teams expressions suddenly switched to concern as tears streamed from your eyes. "No one knows what to say about a beautiful boy who died."
Steve tried to reach out and comfort you, feeling bad for bringing up such a painful memory, but you pulled away from his touch. He didn't know just how painful yet.
"And it's about to be Halloween. You could be anything you wanted if you were still here. I remember the last day when I kissed your face and whispered in your ear."
You could tell the moment the rest of the team started realizing who you were singing about, but the men in front of you still thought it was a lost love.
"Come on baby with me, we're gonna fly away from here. Out of this curtained room in this hospital grey, we'll just disappear." You could barely speak as you continued reciting the letters, voice breaking on every other word while tears relentlessly poured out of you.
"Y/N, you don't have to-" he abruptly stopped, ducking out of the way when you threw the velvet box at him to shut him up.
"Clearly I do though! Since you don't trust me and aren't good enough at spying to gather all the information yourseld!" you yelled, losing any last shred of patience you had left for him. He reached out for you again, but you stepped back just as quickly. "Don't touch me."
Your voice was barely audible as you kept going, pushing through the pain you've kept buried for so long.
"What if I'm standing in your closet trying to talk to you? What if I kept the hand-me-downs you won't grow into?" Bucky's eyes grew so large when he finally put the pieces together it would have been comical if it wasn't such a devastating realization.
"And what if I really thought some miracle would see us through? What if the miracle was even getting one moment with you? Come on baby with me, we're gonna fly away from here. You were my best four years."
You wiped your face with the sleeves of the sweater you were wearing. Steve's sweater. You pushed the pain down just long enough to choke out a few more words.
"I will always love Levi because a mother always loves her child." You gathered the letters before pushing your way through the men, practically running to the elevator.
"What floor, Agent L/N?" Friday asked after a full minute of you just leaning against the elevator doors.
It took you no time at all to answer, "The lobby please." You knew you needed to get out of the tower. You needed space from all of them. You couldn't get the picture of their anger directed at you out of your mind.
As soon as the doors opened, you practically ran out of the building, the only thought in your head to run.
-
Steve watched you leave, his heart breaking when your final sentence finally clued him in. He was so blinded by his anger that he didn't truly listen to your explanation. He was so scared to lose you, that he drove you away.
"Fuck."
Nobody responded to his statement, not even Tony with a sarcastic comment about his language. It wasn't the right mood, even the billionaire could tell.
"Did anyone know?" Bucky asked the room, the guilt of his accusations weighing him down as well. Everyone shook their heads, still too shocked by the news to really comment on anything.
Steve instantly started for the elevator, only stopping when Nat spoke up.
"Steve, are you sure you should talk to her right now? She might need some time."
"She might need time, and I'll leave her alone if she asks, but I need her to know how sorry I am, and how I'm here for her to talk to if she ever wants to look at me again."
He wasted no time getting into the elevator, pressing the button for the floor your room is on. He anxiously waited for the doors to open, practically sprinting the few yards down the hallway to your shared door. He knocked softly, hoping for an answer, but not surprised by the silence.
"Y/N, I don't even know where to begin with this, but I'm so sorry. I never should've opened the letters, let alone accused you of such horrible things especially without knowing anything. I... I got so scared of losing you, I just assumed- that's no excuse though. I love you so much and I never should've forced you into sharing something like that if you weren't ready.
You were right when you said I had no right to do what I did. You were absolutely correct, and I'm so, so sorry. I know you probably need time, but please know I'm here for you. I'll wait right here until you're ready..." he waited for any sign you were listening before continuing, "Unless you'd rather I leave..."
When you still didn't respond, he slid down the wall next to your door, prepared to wait for you forever, but forever was quickly cut short.
"Captain Rogers, Agent L/N isn't currently in the building. She requested service to the lobby." Friday informed the Captain, causing him to jump to his feet.
"Where did she go?" Steve was panicking, unsure how he could apologize and help you if he didn't even know where you were.
"Current whereabouts are unknown."
Steve paced up and down the hall for nearly an hour before an idea as to where you could have gone struck him.
"Friday, where is Levi buried?" He waited with bated breath for an answer.
"St. Michael's Cemetery in Queens."
-
Steve saw you before you saw him. You were sitting by Levi's grave, tear stains still visible on your face when he approached.
"Y/N..." Steve was unsure where to start. His apology in the hallway was fueled by adrenaline and his own desperation. Now, looking into your teary eyes, he only felt his heart break once more with the knowledge that he lead you here.
"I'm so sorry," he paused when he noticed the fresh wave of tears. Maybe Nat was right and he should've waited. "I'll leave if you want me to. I just... I needed to tell you that. I know that's selfish, but I couldn't go another second without telling you how wrong I was."
He was met with silence. You stopped looking at him halfway through his apology, instead turning to look back at the gravestone. It wasn't until Steve started walking away that you spoke up.
"He would've loved you." You took a few deep breaths, trying to calm the tears before you continued. "He was the happiest kid, you know. Even through all of the treatments, he'd smile and say 'Look mama, I'm being so brave!'"
Steve slowly sunk to the ground next to you, resting his hand over your own. He quickly shed his jacket to drape over your shoulders when he felt how cold you were.
"I was going to tell you." His heart broke once more at the pain in your voice. "I just... I've only ever told one person who didn't know me before he died, and the constant looks of pity she'd give me after she found out were so hard to deal with. On top of everything I was already feeling, it made it seem like I was weighing down the mood wherever we went.
She stopped answering my texts a few weeks later. I found out from a friend she was pregnant, and she didn't want me to be sad around what was to be the happiest moments of her life." You wiped more tears from your cheeks, leaning into Steve because it felt so natural.
"I'm so sorry, Y/N. About everything. Looking through your things, accusing you of lying and being in love with someone else, bringing it up in front of everyone. I should've done things so differently." Steve spoke softly, but you could still feel the emotion in his words.
"I get it. You made a logical assumption. I do wish you talked to me alone, but we can't undo it," you paused, briefly looking at Steve before looking back at the ground. "Steve, do you really not trust me?" your voice broke, even more tears threatening to spill.
"Y/N," he took your chin in his hand, guiding you to look at him. "I trust you with my whole being. I really do. I saw the letters and I got so scared that you didn't really love me, that I- I panicked. I got angry so I could pretend it didn't hurt. I love you more than anything, and I do want to marry you. So badly. The idea of you not feeling the same sent me into a tailspin. One that hurt you, and one that I'm so sorry for. I don't think I'll ever stop apologizing."
You stared at him for a few moments, eyes roaming his face. You could easily tell how genuine he was. Especially because if roles were reversed and you read the beginning of a letter like yours that Steve had written for another woman, you would've reacted the exact same way.
"Yes."
Your single word response stumped him, evident by the crinkle in his brow and the frown on his face.
"Yes, I will marry you," you laughed at his expression, enjoying the more lighthearted moment.
"I didn't technically ask you yet," he cheekily replied, "but I'm not going to turn it down." Both of your smiles only grew with his words, truly enjoying the moment even if it's nothing like either of you pictured.
Steve nodded toward the gravestone, now fully sitting behind you and holding you in his arms. "Tell me about him?"
And so you did. You told him about how scared you were to be a single parent, but how your own parents were so wonderful with helping you. You told him about his first words and his first steps. His first day of preschool. You told him about every first you could think of, every happy moment.
"The day he was diagnosed was the worst thing I had ever experienced. I just felt so helpless. Parents are supposed to protect their children, and I couldn't do anything to keep him safe from that." Steve held you as you cried, knowing there was nothing he could say that would take your pain away didn't stop him from trying.
"You are such a wonderful mother. You gave him a beautiful life, full of love and compassion. You're heart is so big, and I know there wasn't a moment he didn't feel that love from you," his own tears fell as he spoke. "You said you'll always love him, but he'll always love you too."
You cried even more after Steve's speech, a combination of missing Levi and feeling so blessed to have met and fallen in love with Steve pushing your already fragile emotions ever further over the edge. The two of you stayed there until the sun began to set, only leaving because of the sudden temperature drop.
Steve promised to comeback with you again, as many times as you'd have him. You promised to not keep anymore secrets, feeling an immense amount of relief now that everything was in the open and Steve still loved you.
"Can we go to bed when we get home?" you asked, hopeful he would understand what you meant.
"Of course," he nodded. You knew talking to the rest of the team would be exhausting and emotionally draining, and thankfully Steve seemed to realized the same thing. "I should warn you, Bucky is probably going to try to apologize. I think he was even more upset than I was."
You nodded, assuming as much. Bucky's always been looking out for Steve, it only makes sense he'd be on Steve's side. You could handle one more emotional conversation today, especially with Steve at your side.
"As long as you hold everyone else off until tomorrow, that's fine." You gave him a somber smile before getting on his bike behind him. Thankfully, the ride back to the tower didn't take too long, and Steve was able to enlist Friday's help to get to your room without running into anyone.
Unsurprisingly, only moments after you changed into pajamas, Bucky was knocking on the door. You nodded to Steve when he looked to make sure you were up for him coming in. Bucky immediately started apologizing.
"Y/N, I'm so sorry. You've always been such a good friend to me and I should've realized you'd never do something like that to Steve. To force you to relive all of that was so horrible, and I can only hope-"
"Bucky! It's okay. You didn't know," you practically whispered after the initial yell to get his attention, a resigned smile on your face. "You were only looking out for Stevie. I'm glad he has a friend like you."
Bucky stared at you, utterly shocked to have been granted forgiveness so quickly. "Thank you. I really am so-"
"Sorry. I know." Your smile, and a few glances at Steve, seemed to do enough to calm him down.
"I'll get out of your hair then, goodnight." You returned the gesture before going back to getting ready for bed. Bucky took that as an opportunity to give Steve the velvet box. "You might be needing this."
Steve chuckled, flixking the box open to look at the ring. "She already said yes." Bucky's eyes widened, his shock so clearly present in his expression.
"Wow. Congrats, punk. You found the perfect gal for you." Steve smiled softly as his best friends words, his eyes subconsciously turning to look for you.
Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
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