TextsfromDeusEx

@prod-with-the-prod can you believe this? :’D

(317): You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box: \nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks

#dickgate

(404):sure if you go to prison

(902): He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...

(318): We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!

(425):I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.

(928): Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.

(503):I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.

(201):Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void

Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.

(1-978): go on

I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid

someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires