“That’s illegal.”

“And that’s my WIFE!”

“This is the height of luxury!”

“Your opinion doesn’t matter.”

“Shut up! You’re all gonna die!“

“Why?…Why do you do this…?“

“I’m new in town and it gets worse.“

“I lived like a goddamn ninja turtle.”

“Oh, we’re gonna freak out so bad.”

“I don’t look older, I just look worse.“

“You know how I’m filled with rage?”

“I need everyone to like me so much!”

“Eat ass, suck a dick, and sell drugs.“

“I will pepper in the fact that I am gay.”

“And I said ‘no’… You know, like a liar.”

“Adult life is already so goddamn weird.“

“First off, get out of here with your facts.”

“I think I can get them to budge, let’s go.”

“No! That’s the thing I’m sensitive about!”

“I just wanna sit here and feed my birds.“

“We were little goblins. We were terrible.”

“Now, we don’t have time to unpack all that.“

“Because it’s the one thing you can’t replace.“

“I was just shiny, and dumb, and easy to trick.”

“I also don’t want me to be doing what I’m doing.“

“You have the moral backbone of a chocolate éclair.“

“Brush your teeth, now BOOM, orange juice! That’s life.”

“Why do people shush animals? They’ve never spoken.”

“ I’m so horny and angry all the time, and I have no outlet.“

“That’s what I thought you’d say, you dumb fucking horse.”

“She’s a dynamite bitch and she’s the best. She’s my hero.“

“In terms of like, instant relief, canceling plans is like heroin.”

“Whoa! That tall child looks terrible! Get some rest, tall child!”

“We started chanting, ‘McDonald’s, McDonald’s, McDonald’s!‘“

“I’ll keep all my emotions right here. And then, one day, I’ll die.“

“Then he ordered one black coffee for himself and kept driving.“

“Anyone who’s seen my dick and met my parents needs to die.”

“Just ‘cause you’re accurate does not mean you’re interesting…”

“I look back on being 17 and think, ‘Oh my God, how did I not die?'”

“You are never too young to learn our national ‘no snitching’ policy.“

“You know those days when you’re like ‘this might as well happen’?”

“Something happened here. You hope it’s a miracle, but probably not.“

“Sometimes babies will point at me, and I don’t care for that shit at all.“

“And apparently I grabbed it, drank all of it, and said, ‘It’s perfume.’ And it was.“

“I try to stay optimistic… even though, I will admit, things are getting pretty sticky.”

“I never knew relationships were supposed to make you feel better about yourself.“

“It is 100% easier not to do things than to do them, and so much fun not to do them.”

“And everyone else joined in. A hundred drunk, white children yelling ‘fuck da police’!”

“I have a lot of stories about being a kid because it was the last time I was interesting.“

“My vibe is like, ‘hey you could probably pour soup in my lap and I’ll apologize to you’.”

“I am very small and I have no money… so, you can imagine the kind of stress that I am under.”

“The more you do stuff, the better you get at dealing with how you still fail at it a lot of the time.”

“They terrify me to this day because 8th graders will make fun of you but in an accurate way.“

“I quit drinking because I used to drink too much… then I would black out and I would ruin parties.”

“If you’re comparing the badness of two words and you won’t even say one of them, that’s the worse word.”

“College was like a four-year game show called ‘Do My Friends Hate Me or Do I Just Need To Go To Sleep?’“

“Hey, do you want me to kill that guy for you? Because it sounds like he sucks, and I will totally kill that guy for you.”

‘  and  then  i  remembered …  i’m  a  naughty  bitch .  ’

‘  because  i  love  you …  i  think .  no ,  i’m  pretty  sure .  yeah ,  i  love  you .  ’

‘  birth  is  a  curse .   existence  is  a  prison .  ’

‘  girl ,  you  are  a  messy  bitch  who  loves  drama  and  i’m  into  it .  ’

‘  holy  motherforking  shirtballs .  ’

‘  i  am  revved  up  and  ready  to  learn .  my  brain  is  horny !  ’

‘  i  came  to  apologize .  there …  i  did  it .  i  apologized .  ’

‘  i  could  kill  them  right  now  and ,  you  know ,  that  would  be  easy .  ’

‘  i  could  never  get  close  to  anyone .  i  never  even  told  a  boyfriend  i  loved  him .  ’

‘  i  don’t  know  how  to  describe  it …  like ,  a  different  zone  of  time .  no ,  that  sounds  stupid .  a  different  clock  land .  ’

‘  i  don’t  know  how  to  tell  you  this ,  but  i’m  dying .  i  mean ,  we’re  all  dying ,  slowly .  when  you  think  about  it ,  we  started  dying  the  day  we  were  born .  ’

‘  i  don’t  know ,  man .  maybe  just  tell  her  that  you’re  gay .  ’

‘  i  don’t  need  you  to  respond  because  i  know  you  have  trouble  saying  how  you  feel .  ’

‘  i  feel  like  you  always  understand  about  20%  of  what’s  happening .  ’

‘  i  got  a  flu  virus  named  after  me  because  i  kissed  a  bat  on  a  dare .  ’

‘  i  just  have  some  worries ,  as  well  as  some  concerns  that  could  potentially  turn  into  outright  fears .  oh ,  there  they  go .  they  are  fears  now .  ’

‘  i  love  you .  and  i  don’t  need  you  to  respond  because  i  know  you  have  trouble  saying  how  you  feel .  ’

‘  i  was  a  good  person  for  six  months .  that’s  like  five  years .  ’

‘  i  wasn’t  worth  changing  for .  ’

‘  i  will  literally  see  you  all  in  hell .  ’

‘  in  the  words  of  my  actual  friends  :  ya  basic !  ’

‘  is  everything  okay ?  i  mean ,  other  than ,  you  know …  everything .  ’

‘  is  this  why  you  came  here ?  to  scold  me  on  the  metric  system ?  ’

‘  i’m  gonna  eat  all  this  chili …  and / or  die  trying .  do  you  want  any ?  ’

‘  i’m  gonna  miss  you ,  bud .  ’

‘  i’m  outtie ,  see  ya  in  hell !  ’

‘  i’ve  gained  a  lot  of  new  skills  recently .  for  example ,  i  learned  how  to  be  passive  aggressive .  totally  fine  that  you  guys  didn’t  notice .  ’

‘  love  isn’t  a  triangle ,  it’s  a  five  dimensional  blob .  ’

‘  more  guys  should  be  bi .  it’s  2018 .  it’s  like ,  get  over  yourselves !  ’

‘  none  of  your  exes  have  gotten  over  you .  ’

‘  oh no !  now  the  thing  i  said  after  we  kissed  will  always  be  ‘ hot  diggity  dog . ’  oh  well ,  it  was  an  honest  reaction  and  i  stand  by  that .  ’

‘  somehow ,  i  never  want  to  leave  you .  ’

‘  that  broke  me .  i’m  done .  ’

‘  that’s  not  a  present .  that’s  just  common  decency .  ’

‘  the  other  possible  medical  diagnosis  is  that  you’re  just  a  bit  of  a  dick .  ’

‘  their  bodies  are  made  very  poorly .  they’re  mostly  goo  and  juice .  you  just  take  the  juice  out  and  then  they’re  dead .  ’

‘  there’s  no  point  to  anything  and  you’re  just  gonna  die  so  do  whatever !  ’

‘  ugh ,  of  course  your  hugs  are  amazing .  ’

‘  wasn’t  he  banned  from  disney  world  for  biting  buzz  lightyear ?  ’

‘  what  a  creep .  why  was  i  friends  with  him ?  ’

‘  whatever  progress  i  have  made  it’s  because  you  and  i  have  become  friends .  ’

‘  whenever  anyone  tells  me  a  story  about  their  life  i  imagine  all  the  people  as  being  super  hot .  otherwise  i  quickly  lose  interest .  ’

‘  who  the  hell  is  this  chick ?  ’

‘  why  do  bad  things  always  happen  to  mediocre  people  who  are  lying  about  their  identity ?  ’

‘  why  is  it  every  time  a  new  thing  is  invented  humans  immediately  try  to  use  it  for  porn ?  ’

‘  yeah ,  i  love  you .  ugh ,  that’s  embarrassing .  i  feel  so  itchy .  ’

‘  you  are  too  selfish  to  ever  be  a  good  person .  ’

‘  you  got  it ,  you  piece  of ...  butt .  ’

‘  you  need  to  ghost  her .  disappear .  block  her  number .  bonus  :  anything  she  left  in  your  apartment  is  now  legally  yours .  ’

‘  you  are  brilliant ,  charming ,  obviously  gorgeous .  ’

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