to be haunted by the living

i can't help but think that there's a meaning deeper than just aesthetics for that.

i don't do realism, i just let it flow, my style varies but i like the ones i've done with lots of white in faces and backgrounds the best.

there is no true purity or innocence in real life.

there is nothing pure or innocent about reality.

it is all shades of grey.

everyone and everything is guilty and a victim.

not at the same time in every situation, but throughout life it gets harder and harder to avoid. isolating only makes it worse. you don't want to be a villain, but hurt people hurt people and you don't know better until you do.

damage has been done. you fade to grey.

i never liked grey. it was too normal and boring. too generic. i needed the darkest black and the brightest white along with all the colours of the rainbow.

i violated myself to make him like me. i thought he would stay if i just did everything he wanted to do. i let him set that camera up and put on a smile for him while i felt like i was about to throw up. we are fucking on the internet forever while he won't talk to me ever again.

i miss him so much.

it's 3 AM, i have been trying to sleep on the floor for hours and i still think about laying in his arms while my girl is in the next room feeling horrible after fighting all day and i miss him because i'm the worst person alive and can't even stop missing someone who does not want me when i have so many blessings in my life.

a safe place to stay i feel more welcome and at home in than anywhere else ever, someone who loves, appreciates and respects me for who i am while being dedicated to understanding me, i got out of my home town and yeah i still don't have a job and smoke too much so money is tight but i have a good life. the best one i've had so far.

and i still cry about not getting to share it with someone who never liked me. forgot my name. forgot how long our relationship was. just wanted to experience ANYONE else but me. why does it still hurt?

why am i still hurting?