Tech's Bites

I am home from the service for my mother. It was a lovely gathering. I was surprised how many people showed up. My mother touched a lot of people in her 72 years.

I sat next to my dad in his wheelchair and a procession of people stopped by, one by one, to give their condolences. I didn't know a lot of the people. Many were old friends of my parents from when I was young or before I was born.

I gave my dad moral support as everyone passed by. He was tiring very quickly from conversation after conversation. But he talked to everyone and did great.

My favorite guests that arrived to the gathering were actually two former coworkers of my mother. She was their boss at the USDA. Two black women, dressed very sharply, came up to me and my dad and introduced themselves. They explained that my mom was their favorite boss of all time. Which makes sense because my mom was a mom to everyone. She treated all of her coworkers like family and took good care of them. It made me so happy to see that she made such an impression that two of her colleagues from 15+ years ago took time out of their Sunday to pay their respects.

One of them leaned in and whispered to me, "Your mom was the cleanest white lady I ever knew." She was referring to my mother's attire and accessories. My mom was kind of famous at her workplace for all of her HSN jewelry and outfits and purses. She would have a different purse for every week. Different jewelry for every day. Giant bracelets, huge bejeweled rings, and colorful earrings to match. She just loved to dress to the nines when going to work and she would often jingle as she walked due to all the bling she wore. She took a lot of pride in her appearance.

So, as far as compliments go, I think my mom would have smiled ear to ear hearing that.

My Uncle Carl gave a brief eulogy for my mom. It was actually really sweet. I don't know if anyone is interested, but I recorded it.

Another highlight of the gathering was an appearance from my childhood best friend, Dr. Kevin. I had no idea he was coming and he surprised me. By the time he arrived I was really struggling. I had no one to talk to that I personally knew. It was one of those times where I felt alone in a room full of people.

He used to come over every day after school and we would play sports in the backyard or video games in my basement. My mom treated him like a second son so he remembered her quite fondly. It was great to catch up with him. We hadn't seen each other in many years.

“Who, after all, speaks today of the annihilation of the Armenians?”

Hitler often used it to cite how history would forget about his “final solution”, as they didn’t remember the Armenian genocide, did they? 

My family is in America for the sole reason that the first Armenian genocide drove them out. My grandmother knows nothing of what happened to her cousins and aunts and uncles, and still, to this day, the Armenian genocide is not recognized by Turkey. 

It’s happening again. The Azerbaijan and Armenian conflict over Artsakh, an area that Azerbaijan claims is theirs, but is inhabited heavily by Armenians, has been restarted, and the people living there are in serious danger, as Turkey is now lending their military aid to Azerbaijan as well, while the rest of the world is turned the other way. 

I know we’re all so fatigued from the shitshow that has been 2020, and how difficult it can be to comprehend yet another tragedy, but if you have a moment, please just educate yourself on what’s happening in Armenia and Artsakh, educate a friend, and take a look at the some of the resources I’ll link below, I would be so grateful. Don’t let history annihilate my people again. 

explaining why the conflict has re-started

a help Armenia carrd

donate- the Armenia Fund

JARED CAMPBELL BADGE 8740 OFFICE OF ACCOUNTABILITY (206)684-8797

hey friend

dont kill yourself tonight ok

you have a really pretty smile and i know its not always easy to manage one but itd be a bummer if we never had the chance to see it ever again

For many boys and men in our culture, masculinity is often defined in very reductive terms. What I mean by “reductive” is that masculinity is often defined by what it is NOT or what it EXCLUDES, rather than what it actually IS. 

There are examples of these reductive definitions that I would classify as “Explicitly Reductive,” “Implicitly Reductive, and “Reductive by Exclusion.” (I hope to go into more detail on those terms in a future post, but for now I’ll just give a few examples in the hopes of keeping this first post to a manageable length.) 

Explicitly Reductive 

“Real men don’t cry” 

“Real men don’t apologize” 

“Real men don’t ask for directions” 

“Real men don’t ask for any kind of help at all” 

“Real men don’t talk about their feelings” 

Implicitly Reductive 

“Real men stand their ground” (with the implication that they DON’T compromise or admit when they’re wrong) 

“Real men like guns, sports, trucks, etc.” (with the implication that they DON’T like anything outside of that list) 

Reductive by Exclusion 

“Real men provide for their families” (with the assumed exclusion that women DON’T or SHOULDN’T, and also that men who CAN’T are NOT “real” men) 

“Don’t be such a girl” (with the assumed exclusion that any defining traits of femininity are mutually exclusive with defining traits of masculinity) 

Is it any wonder that masculinity has come to be viewed so negatively? Based on my own personal observations and experience, it seems that much of the source of “toxic masculinity” stems from defining masculinity in mostly reductive terms. 

An Additive Alternative to Toxic Masculinity 

I believe that toxic masculinity is a problem that negatively affects EVERYONE. Just one of the ways that it negatively affects boys and men is that it doesn’t provide any positive direction or identity to fall back on when they experience cognitive dissonance or disillusionment. So as society makes further progress in recognizing the harmful aspects of toxic masculinity, many men and boys are left wondering what is left to define themselves by. And honestly, there’s not much out there in popular culture that offers a solution to that. 

So then these disillusioned men and boys are left with a kind of existential identity crisis where they either brave the unknown in hopes of forging a new identity for themselves, or lashing out against anyone or anything that points out the toxic aspects of their old identity, desperate to hold on to the only definition their culture has ever given them. 

I believe this kind of existential identity crisis is one of the factors that make young men and boys so vulnerable to being radicalized and manipulated into harmful far-right movements like white nationalism, Incels, and Gamergate-like communities. Because those movements offer them SOMETHING to identify with, even if it’s crappy. 

So instead of just telling men and boys, “That type of masculinity is toxic. So stop it,” and leaving it at that, I’d like to offer an alternative definition of masculinity that defines it in additive terms (what it IS) instead of reductive terms (what it’s NOT.) And that brings us to… 

The Gentler Men Movement 

Now, before I share the attributes that I believe define what “masculinity” means within the Gentler Men Movement, I’d like to make something clear. This is meant to be a movement that is inclusive and accessible to EVERYONE. It is meant to be accessible to people of every race, every gender, every sexual orientation, every ability, every religion, and every nationality. 

(That is not to say it coexists with every ideology out there. For example, while a person who once followed Nazi ideology could change their ways and become a Gentler Man, it would be impossible for a person to be both a Nazi and a Gentler Man at the same time. So while the Gentler Men movement is accessible to any INDIVIDUAL, that doesn’t make it accessible to any IDEOLOGY.) 

Now, this post has already gone on pretty long, and at this point you may be wondering to yourself, “Dave, this is a lot of lead-up. When are you going to actually provide this ‘additive alternative definition of masculinity’ that you’ve been promising us for the last three paragraphs?” 

And the answer to that question is, “Right below the Keep Reading link…” 

How Gentler Men Define “Masculinity” and Themselves 

The video concludes with the proposition that in order to counteract this far-right radicalization of men and boys, there needs to be more than just continued condemnation of toxic masculinity from the left. There needs to be an actual alternative definition of masculinity offered by the left. And that this definition needs to be part of a movement started by men.

Now anybody following my blog for a while might have observed that encouraging non-toxic masculinity is something that I’ve tried to do quite a bit over the years. But this discussion got me thinking that perhaps it may be appropriate to take a more direct approach.

And so (taking a deep breath as I jump head-first into the deep end) I created the @gentler-men blog to be a place to kick-start what I’m calling the “Gentler Men Movement.”

It’s depressing how we all posted so much about an old church burning, me included, and most of us haven’t even heard of what’s going on in Sudan right now. I only learned about the situation recently, the international media coverage is lacking/almost non-existent, a media blackout is happening in Sudan and things are being censored while so many people were killed and hurt horribly or have gone missing. Let us all at least try and spread awareness about the #SudanMassacre.

What started as a peaceful protest turned into a massacre over the protesters.

Sudanese people are trying to overthrow the dictatorship and are being slaughtered for it.

If you can donate to help fund medical aid for everyone hurt in the protests, here is a confirmed link to a GoFundMe meant for that, if you can’t donate, you can also help by spreading the link and spreading awareness for the situation.

Lately, I have been getting this weird anxiety where I’ll be debating on Facebook (as one does) and then I won’t be able to look at the final response. I’ll get notified that they have replied and I’ll open it in a new tab. I will just sit there staring at the unviewed tab afraid to click through. 

I’m not afraid they will be mean or insult me. Usually the people I’m debating do not have an opinion I value very much. (Which is partially why I’m debating them in the first place.) My fear is that I didn’t move the needle even slightly. That they have not considered a thing I have said. 

Now before some snarky anon goes “Well, do you ever consider what they have to say? HMMM???”

Sometimes I do. 

But the person I just debated said he is okay with gay people, but he doesn’t understand the “LGBT thing,” they shouldn’t show any affection in public, and they shouldn’t try to force their gayness onto others. He also said that you don’t see people having straight parades. 

Okay, fine. In the spirit of fairness I am now going to give that some consideration. 

Consideration complete. 

That guy sucks. 

I try to tell myself I don’t have these discussions to change a single person’s mind. That is an exercise in futility. I do it for the others who will see the discussion. The lurkers, if you will.

Perhaps a gay kid will see someone standing up for them who doesn’t have to and maybe that will help them in some small way. Or maybe someone who was unaware of the subject matter will learn something from my comments and head down a more positive path. 

Those are good reasons to keep having these conversations. 

But a part of me still has this pipe dream that maybe one of these people will say, “I hadn’t thought of it like that. I will give this some thought.” 

Just one person. I want one person to not suck anymore. 

Over 150 discontented Riot Games employees walked out of the League of Legends publisher’s offices in Los Angeles today to protest the company’s stance on forced arbitration. Standing in a parking lot on Riot’s campus, employees held picket signs and gave impassioned speeches.

“We’re asking that forced arbitration be ended for all past, current, and future Riot employees, including contractors and in current litigation,” said Jocelyn Monahan, a social listening strategist at Riot, in an interview with Kotaku. Standing in front of a sign reading “Rioters Unplugged,” a play on Riot’s internal “Riot Unplugged” meetings, Monahan would later tell her assembled colleagues through a megaphone, “asking to feel safe does not make you entitled.”

Monahan had one major point she hoped to get across to her colleagues—even those who chose to stay in their desks and continue working. “We are what makes Riot great. I want us to feel solidarity and connection with each other. I want us to feel connected. I want us to feel like our voices are heard and heard in a way that matters.” Colleagues took turns speaking through the megaphone, with several admitting that they were scared to participate and be labeled “anti-Riot.” Said one, “I was worried. I was like, ‘What if I go and nobody shows up?’ I’m a little less worried about that now.” Others are showing their support with the #riotwalkout hashtag, which hundreds have been tweeting.

Today’s protest appears to be the first labor-related walkout for a large game studio like Riot. The company’s management is allowing its employees to participate and has urged managers to be accommodating and understanding. In an email to Kotaku this morning, a Riot representative added, “We respect Rioters who choose to walkout today and will not tolerate retaliation of any kind as a result of participating (or not).”