Technical Foul

Derrick

                                                                                        June 12 , 2012

I watched Shan closely as she sat the edge of the bed. Her back was to me but I could tell she wore a smile that stretched from ear to ear. I couldn't help but to admire her frame as she sat atop of my bed completely nude. I sat up a little and rested against the massive mound of pillows behind me. "Come here." I mumbled softly, never taking my eyes of her. "I can't." Shan replied simply. She never took her eyes off the sketch book in her lap.

I smiled as I watched her for a moment before moving down towards her. I pulled her frame back until her back rested against my chest. I softly laid my chin against her shoulder, taking peeks at her sketch. "I like that." I mumbled softly before kissing her skin. Shan had talent out of this world. She was meant to do what she did and she deserved it. 

Shan turned her head to the side and looked into my eyes. "Do you really?" She smiled as she momentarily stopped sketching. Her fingertips lightly caressing my cheek as she now watched me. "Yes." I stated honestly. Shan's lips curved into a smile. "Thank you, baby." She whispered as she softly kissed my lips. Shan made me so proud at times. I couldn't explain it. But I knew she could tell. She felt the same way...it showed. 

I ran my hand softly down Shan's stomach. I could feel her shiver a bit. My lips curved into a smirk against Shan's. "P, gone! I have to finish. I have to scan this and send it over to somebody by a certain time." She wore that smirk that she always wore when it came to her business. My eyebrow rose playfully as I watched her. "Send it to who?" I inquired as Shan returned her eyes back to her sketch. "Don't worry about that." Shan mumbled lowly through her beautiful smile. "Yeah okay.  I'm going to always worry about you and anything involving you." I looked her dead in the eyes as I spoke.

Whether it was today, five years ago or five years from now, I would always feel that way about Shan. She smiled once more. "I know baby." She mumbled softly yet again. I reluctantly pulled away and got up. 

"Are you hungry?" I asked as I pulled on a pair of boxers. Although it was Sunday and Shan or my mother normally cooked, today I wanted to do it. Shan had been doing everything and anything for me since my injury, tonight I needed her to let me do the work. "Oooooo yes!" Shan squealed. I chuckled some. "I'll take care of that." I smiled at her. "Can I please have something with some type of Apple in it?" She licked over her lips as she spoke. Shan wasn't really a fruit person so this was odd. I nodded. "Okay, baby." I leaned down and kissed her lips. "Thank you." Shan looked up at me and smiled. "No need for that." I reassured her before leaving out.

Truth be told, my mind was racing. I started to think back to late 2010. Her behavior mirrored that time period. Back then I wasn't aware of why Shan’s behavior was the way it was at that time.  But today I had a clue. I wasn’t sure if I was right or wrong, but I knew I was going to ask this time. I damn sure didn’t want things to have the same outcome as before. So often Shan and I would forget to communicate and assume things. Nine times out of ten this would leave one of us or even the both of us, hurt, furious and just downright out for blood. Things weren’t always this way between us, though. We used to communicate about everything, including shit that was uncomfortable for the both us.

As much as people say we’re both at fault for the lack of communication, I blame myself. I blame myself for any and everything that was bad about us. I knew it all fell back on me, because I was the man of the relationship. I was put here to provide for and protect Shan and I failed at that….many of times.

  The sound of my phone ringing withdrew me from thoughts. I sighed as I stopped to wipe the leftover flour from my hands before carefully retrieving my phone. I was so tired of phone calls and emails. They were starting to become repetitive and annoying as fuck. If I could have things my way, I would be on a secluded beach with my bitch and my son. Nothing and no one else was needed.

“Yeah?” I spoke into the phone before returning my hands back to the meal I was preparing. “Hi.” Her voice flowed into the phone softly. I stopped what I was doing and leaned back against the kitchen island. “What do you want?” I folded my free arm across my chest. I hadn’t spoken to Malia in so long. That shit was just now starting to get to me. I had been so wrapped up in Shan that I didn’t care about the argument I shared with Malia. She laughed dryly. “I expected that, Derrick.” Malia laughed again. “As much as I want to be mad at you, I can’t. I had to call and check on you.” She spoke again.

“I hear you.” I shook my head to myself. At times I didn’t understand why Malia was so wrapped up in me and my wellbeing. I could hear her sigh. “I don’t wanna fight anymore. This shit is stupid.” Malia blurted into the phone. I knew her good enough to know her pride wouldn’t let her admit that. She unwillingly told me the truth at that moment. I let out a deep sigh. "Look Malia, I have enough bullshit on my plate as is and I damn sure don't want to add more. I'm good, you good, we good. I'm tired-" I stopped in the middle of my sentence as a male's voice came from Malia's end. Malia quickly answered his question before she spoke. “Sorry about that. You were saying?” She acted as if I was deaf to the shit I just heard.

“I wasn’t saying shit. Matter of fact I have to go. I got some shit to take care of.”

I didn’t bother to let Malia respond, I just hung up. I rested my phone back against the counter as I shook my head. Hearing another nigga around Malia always pissed me the fuck off. Half the niggas she invited into her home and between her legs, didn’t even deserve her attention. But the fact she called to “check on me” in the presence of one of these niggas, infuriated me. That shit was downright disrespectful. I couldn’t tell what game Malia was playing, but I damn sure wouldn’t lose.

“Baby.” Shan called my name softly as she came into the kitchen. I glanced back her as I tried to mask the anger I held. “Hm?” I went back to cooking. I could hear Shan as she moved across the kitchen towards me. “You alright?” Shan’s tone was inquisitive. I shrugged. “I’m fine. Shan.” I didn’t bother to look back at her. I knew it was wrong to misplace my anger, so I was desperately trying to relax myself. I was angrier at the fact I let that shit get to me than what actually happen. “Oh…okay, Derrick.” By now I was able to see her shaking her head as she spoke.

I turned and fully looked at Shan. A deep sigh leaving my lips as I concentrated on every part of her for a few seconds longer. “Can I ask you something, Shan?” I locked eyes with her. “What?” I just knew she was feeding off my attitude. It was crazy how we could do that with one another. Be it a good or a bad attitude. “Are you pregnant?” I didn’t move my eyes off of her as she scrunched up her face before shaking her head. “Not this again.” Shan mumbled lowly to herself. “Fuck you mean not this again?” I stood up straight and stepped a bit closer to her. “You know I don’t wanna talk about this, Derrick. Drop this fucking conversation.” Shan spat as she watched me.

“Fuck that bullshit! Just answer the fucking question!” I raised my voice a little. When Shan avoided questions she was either scared or hiding something. And right now I had a feeling it was both. "NO BITCH!" Shan screamed. I stared at her blankly. "You can't never answer a simple question! It's always some extra shit with you, Shan." My anger was beginning to grow quickly. 

"What the fuck ever, Derrick." Shan rolled her eyes as she looked at me. "ARE YOU FUCKING PREGNANT OR NOT SHAN?” My voice boomed so loudly throughout the kitchen, you could hear the china rattle through the closed cabinets. Shan let out a loud laugh before she glared at me. “I’m not pregnant, bitch. And if I was…I’m pretty sure it wouldn’t be yours anyway.” She let her words slip from her mouth with ease.

I stood in my spot as Shan watched me. Her words echoing over and over in my mind for the longest minute in history. It didn’t quite hit me what Shan had exactly said until I saw the back of her head as she made her way out the kitchen. In that moment, I lost it. Nothing else mattered to me at the point, nothing other than my anger. And I knew just how livid I was when I glanced down at my hands clasped tightly around Shan’s neck. 

Shan

As desperately as I wanted to breathe at this very moment, I couldn't. I couldn't even bring myself to look at Derrick and he was right there in my face. Instead my eyes were fixated on Brenda as she looked on in horror. Never in a million years would I have thought that she would see us like this...her son like this. I finally brought my eyes to Derrick's, I could tell he was no longer himself. "Derrick let me go." I mumbled with the little breath I had left in me. "No bitch!" He yelled.

I could see even more horror wash over his mother's face, before anger took over her. "You let her the hell go!" Brenda raised her voice with anger. I have never heard her yell this way. "What is wrong with you, Derrick?!" She screamed as she smacked him hard across the face. I watched Derrick's eyes turn from hard and cold to full of guilt as he let go of me.

I couldn't contain the tears as they streamed effortlessly down my cheeks. "Ma...I...I...” Derrick stuttered as he shifted his gaze from her to me. "Get out Derrick." Brenda spoke as she stepped around Derrick and towards me. "Shan I'm-" Derrick started only to be hushed by his mother. "Get out now. Do not make me fucking repeat myself to you Derrick." She spat at her baby. I wanted to feel bad for him, but I couldn't. He did this to himself.  

Derrick nodded, he was always submissive to his mother. Brenda and I both watched as he made his way upstairs. Neither one of us said thing. I knew I was wrong for my words, but his actions were far worse. I know it always seems that I’m at fault for the bullshit between us, but Derrick was just as much to blame. He just always felt or showed guilt after his fuck ups, unlike me.

I waited until Derrick was no longer in sight to pull my body away from the wall. I could feel my stomach churning repeatedly. "You should go, Mama Rose. I'll be fine." I whispered as I wiped my face. She looked at me with the same face her son would give to me when I've said those same words to him. "I'll go when I know you're fine, Shan." Brenda assured me before she looked towards the stairs. I didn't bother to watch. I knew Derrick was making his way out. I could smell his scent and it only made more tears fall from my eyes. For once I was being honest with him and he reacted in such a terrible manner.

The fact was if I was in fact pregnant, there was a chance it couldn't be his. But I knew my body better. I wasn't meant to be anyone's mother.

"Leave." I could hear Brenda mumble to Derrick. A few short minutes slipping by before the front door open and closed. In that moment my body collapsed to the floor as my tears fell uncontrollably. My whole body ached from the tip of my fingers to the bottom of my soul. I was broken in more ways than one. "Oh my god, Shan. I'm so sorry, baby." Brenda's light voice filled my ears. I didn't want her to see me this way. So many times I had showed this side of me to the Rose family and I didn't want them to see it anymore. Especially not Mama Rose.

I could feel Brenda sweep me into her arms as she sat beside me on the floor. I started to pull away and break my sobbing, but just like her son she held me close. I didn't fight it, I just let myself relax into Mama Rose, my tears falling even harder as she hung on to me. I didn't know how to feel or what to say anymore. But one thing was clear...this needed to end. Derrick and I couldn't do this anymore. It was becoming to straining and deadly. Lately I had been wondering if I would lose my life on account of Derrick’s blackouts, more than I normally would wonder about them.

I loved Derrick more than I loved myself, but I wanted to live. I had things I needed to accomplish and I was going to do them with or without him. Right now it was apparent that I was going to go throughout life without him.

Brenda wrapped her arms tighter around me as I held on to her. I always admired how she took me in and never questioned or judged me. Mama Rose was always the one other thing I was missing from my life…a mother. She never treated me as if I wasn’t her own. I loved that about her. Brenda made me feel at home, but she never failed to not remind me of Derrick. Everything from her diction to her movements were just like her baby boy’s. Derrick was truly her son and no one could deny that. Neither of her other kids were that much like her.

I couldn’t tell how long Brenda and I had been stuck in our positions, but judging by the way our shadows no longer rested on the wall, I knew it had to be almost nightfall by now. I let out a low breath before I looked up at Brenda. Her cheek were flustered and lightly glossed, she had been crying too. If I didn’t feel terrible before, I damn sure felt it now knowing that I had made such a beautiful soul cry. I slowly broke free from her embrace as she watched me. I looked away and tucked my hair behind my ear. “Are you hungry, Mama?” I quickly asked as I rose to my feet.

“Am I hungry? Girl…” Brenda’s voice trailed off as she got up and straightened her clothes. “Do not worry about me, Shan. Are you okay?” I could feel her eyes on me as she spoke. I wasn’t okay, but if I was going to get her out of here so I could leave, I would have to pretend to be okay. I forced a smile on to my face. “I’m fine. Everything is okay. That was a mistake. I’m sorry you had to see that.” I spoke with a quickness. I hated that I was lying to her. To be honest, Mama Rose might have been the only person I never lied to. At least not until today.

“You do know I don’t believe that?” Brenda shook her head as she looked at me. “I try my best to stay out of you and Derrick’s business Shan, but what I saw today….” She paused as she let out a breath. “What I saw today, that was something I never seen in my son. I don’t understand and I’m not sure if I should. But if this isn’t the first time Shan, it needs to be the last. I love my son but I’ll be damn if I sit back and know he does these things to you.” I stared at her in shock. I couldn’t believe she was telling me to walk away.

“It’s okay, Mama. It’s really my fault. He didn’t mean to-“ Brenda held up her hand and cut me off. “Please don’t play me for a fool. I am old but not dumb, Shan. If you’re afraid he’ll fail because you’re gone, don’t worry about him. One thing I do know about my son is he tends to love so hard…it’s damaging.” She let out another breath and wiped the few tears that had fallen. I couldn’t cry anymore. Every part of me was turning numb.

What Brenda didn’t know is that as I stood here I could feel Derrick and I didn’t want that. I was shutting down. Whatever he was going through was no longer my business.

“I’ll be okay.” That’s all I could say to her right now. Nothing else was meant for her to hear or made sense, so I kept it to myself. Brenda nodded and looked at me. “Can I ask one simple question even though I told myself I wouldn’t?’ Brenda locked eyes with me. I nodded. “What were you two arguing about?” Her question had let me know she not only seen us, she heard us. And I thought I couldn’t taint her son’s image anymore. I sighed deeply and looked at her. I wasn’t going to lie this time.

“Derrick thinks that I might be pregnant.” I laughed dryly. Brenda nodded. She had knew all about my issues with conceiving. Brenda always sympathized with me over that. It was kind of weird.

“I understand. Shan.”

She was doing it again. “Mama, I’m fine. I think I’m just going to lay down. I can call you later if you’d like.” I watched her as I waited on her answer. She studied me. Her eyes looked me up and down a few times before she answered. “That would be lovely, baby.” l smiled a little before she gathered her things. All I could think about was leaving next. I walked her to the door, ignoring the aches my body felt. I smiled as she stepped out the door and turned to face me. “We’ll talk soon. I love you, Shan. Call me if you need anything.” Brenda kissed my forehead. I smiled yet again. “I love you too, Brenda. I’ll call you. I promise.”