What ifs.

From me-2021. 

YourSelf 2016.

What do you mean of letting go? To completely remove a person from your life? To completely forget all about them? Or you just have to ignore everything about them and let them stay as stranger in your life? I mean, there are things that you don't want to forget.There are memories you wanted to preserve and unwated things you would like to completely erase. Could we just choose the memories we want to remember and abandon the memories that would only hurt us?  Is that even possible? Could we just make it easier to move on? But the thing is, your mind is trying to completely forget them but your heart is complicating everything.

Dear You,     I just made a painful decision today. And that's to completely go away from you. That's to forget you and think that we never meet. Maybe, we'll meet again, when we're least expecting it. Just ... Maybe. You know that I can't do nothing to make you stay or what. And I don't want to keep on holding on to something I know that's impossible to happen. One day, you'll live on your own way, make your dreams come true and meet new people. And maybe, I'll be doing the same thing as well. Right now, I'm praying and hoping that someday, it won't hurt me whenever I think of you. I just don't know why do I fall easily on you. It's kinda weird. Maybe there's something strange about you. I should have known better that it's impossible. I should have protected my self first before doing such foolishness. I'm not blaming you at all and will never be. T'was all my fault, and I'm fully aware of it. Now I know what I need to do next time. I just can't blame you, you know? Because you're 100% clueless about what I'm feeling for you. Maybe you're just too kind and I thought it was something else, but the truth is, it was just kindness and that's the way it is.

Dear YOU,    Seriously, I want to talk to you in person. And tell you how this bullshit happened. This is freaking crazy. I want to talk to you, chat you without hiding something but I can't. Geez. I'm too afraid of rejections and first of all so far, you're such a good guy, a good friend that I could lean on and a person I don't want to lose, I guess. I'm afraid, always afraid of what ifs. Sigh. I can't find any ways to tell you what I feel. And I really feel bad about it. And I freaking don't like it. Stupid.

When you feel something strange running back and forth in your head. When your tummy feels sick. When you feel like there is something creepy in this room. When you know any moment from now, someone will blow you away. When you get that feeling like starving to death. What else would you do? Do you think that there is something you can do? What? Runaway? Cry? Shout? Poop? Panic? Shooot. This is truly boring.

The music is played for love Cruisin' is made for love I love it when we're cruisin' together

When we first met, you said you loved me for who I am. You'll accept me for what I am and for what I do. But as time pass by, you changed, you changed me. You changed everything about me. I tried my very best to understand you because I love you. I tried to dress just like what you want me to. I quit wearing sneakers even though it breaks my heart. I tried hard to walk like a lady with those freaking shit stilettos because I want to follow you. I want to be there whenever you need me. Every time you say that I'm wrong, every time you slap me with those mistakes that I committed like you're an angel. Every time you left me dying. Those times you make me feel like I'm good for nothing. I accepted them all. I learned to live feeling nothing, thanks to you. I forgot who I am and where I came from. I forgot to smile. I forgot the feeling being happy. I quit going out with my friends because you want me to stay at home. You want me to learn things in your way. You always say it's for my own good. You always say you're only doing this because you love me. It's for me. But I guess all this shit is for you. Sorry, but it's time to let go now. I'm not your puppet anymore, not again. I hope that someday, you'll learn how to love someone and let them feel that you truly love them. I hope you'll find the right person for you. I don't hold grudges, go on and love yourself.

There is no specific reason why we love certain person. They’re strangers that makes us happy. Strangers who stole our hearts. Sometimes they return it whole and happy but most of the time, they’ll left you empty. Strangers who'll stay and strangers who’ll just pass by. Strangers who’ll bring memories that could make you smile or cry a river. Memories that will last or will fade. Strangers who let us feel strange feelings toward them. Questions answered by questions. Smile exchanged with tears or reverse. There’s always a reason why we meet strangers. It’s either to identify them or to know ourselves better. Every stranger, who’ll either stay or leave will always bring us lessons. Experience. Memories. Tears. Happiness. Do you ever meet this stranger who made you smile yesterday but forgotten you today? And maybe tomorrow, will remember you or will forever delete you from their lives. The saddest part is, you’re hoping for the first option. Strangers who makes you feel you are important. Makes you feel you are treasured. Enjoying every moment thinking it will last. Making the best of it just to save some good memories. What comes easy won’t last long. We’re like lost stars scattered in the galaxy. Stars who never know who they are. Who they meet. Who they love. Who they belong to. Glowing stars that’s trying to light up the dark. Strangers are lost stars. They don’t know who they are. Who they meet. Who they love. Who they belong to. They’re just strangers. Strangers who sometimes care or ignore. Strangers who don’t even know themselves. Strangers who’ll fade away and will slowly turn into ashes. Strangers who don’t have specific destination. Then, the feelings will just crash at random.

I can't explain how good I felt remembering all those shits that we did. Those shits that haunting me from the day that we departed. This might sounds crazy but this is true. They're walking back one by one like I never see 'em coming.Those things that made me cry for a such a very long time.Those things that made me feel so blue and alone. Those things that I regret doing.I assured that I made no mistake. I make sure that I loved you like you're the last person I can hold on to. You left me hanging, but I have loved you.You didn't see me, but I saw you.You laughed while I cried so hard.You betray me but I trusted you.You broke me but I tried to understand you.You said goodbye but I said "I love you" You walked away but I stayed. You may be taken me for granted but I treated you like a treasure. I gave up everything for you. But you never do the same. You did all those fucking bullshits. But I have loved you just the same. You forgot everything but I'm reminiscing every piece of it. Now, you're back but a minute late. Then, I realized that there's more special than grieving on something that you're not sure if you need to. I may not able to take a step back, but I can take a step one by one for the future. See my worth and throw all the pain away. 

    I can’t think of any reason why I’m doing this. Why i’m feeling this. You’re just a stranger trying to complicate my life. A stranger that sometimes makes me happy, make my heart jump out of joy but could turn me down without a glimpse. Right here, right now, I’m thinking of how are you? How’s your life? Do you still feel tired living life? Do you still remember our silly conversation? Do I ever cross your mind? Do you even attempt chatting me? Do you even see me on the other side of your room, like I’m staring at you for the whole time? Have you ever think of something creepy like the way I do? It’s been a long time not hearing from you. I have a lot of questions to ask but I’m afraid to. Did you grow taller? Have you lose either gain weight? Did your man boobs gone? Sorry for this silly questions. It’s just, it’s just that I missed you more than anyone could do. I missed your laugh, I missed your chats, your caring thoughts. The way we fool around. Those times, those moments. I know you’re quite busy living your life. And I guess I don’t stand a chance to ask some time from you. Just like you, I’m just a stranger or I was just a stranger trying to fit in. I have a lot of questions to asked; have you forgotten me? I hate to admit it, but I guess I took another step that I know I can’t take back.