Full-Metal Bitch

Foxes in Snow

POTs is a scary illness. Imagine going about your day and without warning you lose the ability to control your body. With near-syncopy you don't always lose your cognition because you don't fully lose consciousness. I can hear everything going on around me but I can't control my body. I can't see. I can't speak. Often times I feel stupid. I am an intelligent, educated woman but I struggle to find words or concepts. When I'm having a bad flare up I sometimes have slurred speech or temporary mutism that lasts for hours and sometimes days. There are times I fall. Not just when I faint. But sometimes my balance is bad enough that I stumble like I'm drunk or just lose the ability to support myself. I have headaches. Neck, back, and shoulder pain. Digestive discomfort ranging from heartburn to diarrhea. Hot flashes to put menopause to shame. Shortness of breath. Loss of hearing. Blurry vision. Racing heart rate. Uncontrollable trembling. Exhaustion. Fatigue. Depression. Anxiety. Shit, this stupid illness even causes dry skin.

One thing my disability has given me is the inability to envision my future. And I imagine this applies to us all in a sense: the future is unknowable and misshapen and messy. But I cannot for the life of me understand what a future might look like for myself when I can barely function some days, rarely leave the house, and have such finite mental and physical energy. I want to plan and prepare and understand what a future might look like, but my body is so changeable and unreliable that I just can’t.