I want to believe

It's supposed to help with treatment resistant depression and it feels great during the treatment but I know I will never really be able to forgive myself for hurting my ex the way I did. I just want to go back to fix it and get my life back but no drug is going to make that happen.

Every day is just a barrage of memories about the time we spent together last year and how memorable and fun it was to be with him... It was the best time of my life and I decided to ruin it all without a thought. I don't want to feel like this anymore. I don't really want to exist anymore. I just want this pain to stop. There is barely any moment of the day where I am not contemplating suicide...

I ruined my life so no probably not. Im alone and I will never find a love greater than the one I have lost. I have no skills. No friends. I spend most of my time alive either in bed or at my computer, I don’t even do anything anymore, I just rot my brain on youtube and wait to go back to sleep. I don’t understand why I have to sabotage everything good in my life. I miss my fiancée and the cats and the flights out to see them, I grieve the life I could have had.

I feel worthless and pathetic and nothing but a leach on the people around me. I’ve given up. Everything I say sounds fake and wrong, I can’t believe this is actually real, this is my one and only life and I fucked everything up again. I just want to go back… ​I had a magical life for myself and I threw it away for nothing.