Age gaps are a big topic in the teacher crush community.
Most of us are students - minors - crushing on adults with age gaps that can range from 5 to 40 years. And while a crush is harmless if it doesnāt become an obsession (addressed again later), having a relationship with an adult while being a minor is in no way.
And even when you are legally an adult and/or can give consent (depending on state and country this can vary) I cannot recommend or encourage you to pursue a relationship with a teacher immediately after graduation (in most countries around 17-19).
Now, while the law wonāt stop you, you will still go through a lot of emotional changes and you will grow as a person a lot during your late teen years and your early twenties. This is also why - in most countries - the law allows adolescents to be judged as teens.
It has been scientifically proven that - on average - your brain is fully developed when you are 25 years oldĀ¹. And yes, it is absolutely possible to maintain a great romantic relationship with somebody older than you. Itās just important that there isnāt some sort of power imbalance - you two will probably have different levels of maturity. Itās important to realize this and work a way around it. Together. Share your thoughts with each other, what you feel. Be honest and direct, trust each other. There shouldnāt be a topic too taboo.
Also, find out about any possible predatory behaviour - from both male and female (going to make a post about this topic someday). They had a relationship with another student before you? Suspicious but fair enough. Two? Might still be a coincidence. But three is a pattern. And if they get mad at you for researching about this topic or lied to you about it and still make you out to be the bad guy, even after you explain it to them slowly and logically, run.
Now, if you are still a minor and illegally in a relationship with an adult, especially a teacher - do me a favor. Rethink.
Why canāt they wait for you after graduation or after you can consent? If they truly loved you, they would wait for you, wouldnāt they? They would want you to feel safe - after all, itās not just their job or reputation on the line but also yours. And probably your relationship with your parents and/or friends - because I cannot imagine that - if you have a good relationship with them - they will approve of your relationship with somebody that has total power over you.
Now, one might argue that the minor has more power: They can go bail on them to their parents, the police or the school administration. But they rarely will because itās easy to manipulate somebody who hasnāt realized their own worth or who they are yet. Especially by somebody who they are supposed to be able to trust.
Besides, everybody will think they are weird or - depending on the teachers reputation - lying. And a good reputation, social acceptance, fitting in is very important to most teenagers. Who wouldnāt want to be accepted? To be ālikedā?
And now, let me show you signs of when something is an unhealthy obsessionĀ²:
letting them define you instead of yourself (living for whatever they have to say about you, e.g. you only feel intelligent when they tell you so)
idealizing them, ignoring their flaws even after some time has passed
they hurt you and you instantly forgive them, no matter what
they have become more important than your family and friends even though they are just a fantasy
if they ask you the littlest favor it becomes your priority number one even though you have something more important to do
you try to āmonitorā them - find out where they are at all given times
Even though those are some of the signs, it does not mean it is immediately an obsession when you notice that you do some of those. But maybe you should read into the topic a bit to be sure. Iāll link some articles about it at the end.
Last but not least, promise me to be careful and try to be safe. If you are not sure that you are, consult somebody you deeply trust. Or if youād rather, talk about it to someone anonymously on the Internet for example. My ask sectionās always open. If youād rather talk to someone else, Iāll link some more websites.
Talk about your experiences:
http://www.loveisrespect.org/for-yourself/contact-us/ āāTrained advocatesā can be contacted through chats, texting or calliing
https://www.7cups.com/ āChat with ātrained listeners, online therapists and counselorsā - anonymously
https://www.agonyapp.com/ āAnonymous relationship advice
http://www.loveforum.net/love-advice-forum/ āOnline forum - account needed
Ā¹Neuroscience: Development of Teenagersā Brains:
Sarah-Jayne Blakemoreās Spearman Medal Lecture,Ā āThe Social Brain of a Teenagerā, https://thepsychologist.bps.org.uk/volume-20/edition-10/social-brain-teenager, n.d.
Mental-Health-Daily, āAt What Age Is The Brain Fully Developed?ā, https://mentalhealthdaily.com/2015/02/18/at-what-age-is-the-brain-fully-developed/, n.d.
Ā²Articles about unhealthy obsessions & tips:
John Hollywood, āConfusing Love With Obsession? Know the Warning Signsā, https://pairedlife.com/love/Is-This-Love-or-Obsession, May 31, 2017 āInterview with Dr. John Moore (PHD in Psychology, teaches at American Military University)
Alex Lickerman M.D.,Ā āObsession: How to make an obsession function properlyā, https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/happiness-in-world/201004/obsession, April 26, 2010 āDefinition of obsession & controlling it
Reference.com, āWhat Are Examples of Obsession?ā, https://www.reference.com/world-view/examples-obsession-6426ff9fb52756b7, n.d. āSigns of obsession
