Qui verra vivra

Here I am, doing what I've always wanted to do. I’m helping heal people. I’m going to be a nurse, and later, a nurse practitioner. Hell yeah! 

I’ve met the man of my dreams, and I really do mean of my dreams. No person is perfect, I understand that, but holy shit. I prayed for every detail of the man I wanted to marry- from his hair and eye color, to his goofy laugh, to his ambitions. Here he fucking is, in love with me too. I’m so happy, and even more than that, I’m lucky. 

But part of me is still lost. I mean, of course I am. My best friend died suddenly in December, my aunt has tried to kill herself twice since the beginning of 2019, and my stepfather was murdered. I just think, holy shit. God throws everything at me. E V E R Y T H I N G. It’s only April 1 and I’m carrying tons on my back of emotional damage. Where’s Kaitlin when I need her most? Why did God have to take HER out of all people? 

I have no idea how to handle all of this. The pain of loss, the stress of school, the beginning of a career, and the start of my life with the one person I've always searched for. And I’m here, every day going on like I'm fine when I shouldn't be. I’m here, with no one to talk to, no one who understands, and frankly, no one who really cares. And my whole life it’s been this way. I’m not ignorant to the things God has put me through in the past. I’ve survived that along with so much else. 

I wish I had someone I could just talk to, someone I could tell anything to and not be judged. So many little things bother me when the big things should be, and I don't know why. I wish I had a stranger to just listen and understand. I wish I had that. I lost my most objective friend. I lost the one who listened with no judgment.