Not a Little White Dog @tarpo - Tumblr Blog

Probably good that I’m talking to my doctor tomorrow since I was googling MAID requirements last night.

Iykyk.

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A year ago today we all cared about Coldplay.

Last night was the first time I slept full night in over a month. I woke up a few times. But I actually slept.

I mean I still feel like dogshit. But it’s progress!

I have a very standard estate meeting at the bank today. My sister and I are attending. Why am I freaking out so much? I am so utterly broken that I can just barely function. Jfc.

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Making out and holding boobs would fix me.

I had a big breakdown today while on my mini “vacation” away from home. It was embarrassing and emotional. I forced myself to eat and even took a short walk after and while I don’t feel better. I don’t feel as bad as I did before it started.

But I’m scared those cracks are going to get worse and the feeling like I’m losing it will go beyond just feeling like.

There are times I literally want to just die. I need more help than I’m getting and my first call with my doctor is the 20th. I am writing all this down as much for my own record as it is a brain dump.

I’m scared and sad and hurting so bad that even existing makes me want to throw up scream and die. But like. Other times. Just fine. So I’m losing my fucking mind.

It’s the hottest day of the summer here so of course I just cleaned the cat boxes, mopped the floors, did a load of laundry and gathered up my recycling to return it.

Now I think I’m going to just die for an hour or forever.

No more CUM in the World Cup.

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Welp. Canada had a good World Cup run.

Mom and Dad are now buried together. It’s where she wanted to be. Long ago I accepted she was gone. That the box on my table was just.. what’s left. But we buried her with some pictures of her grandkids, a tiny monkey crocheted by my cousin and my “Emotional Support Animal” shirt that accompanied us to every doctor appointment for the last 6 years.

It was supposed to be cold and rainy today. Instead it’s been clear, calm, sun splitting the rocks hot.

My family are all here. Out on the deck, filling the living room. It’s so nice. When I was getting some food I went outside out of habit to ask Mom if she wanted a drink or something to eat. I paused in the door when I remembered. It felt like someone was squeezing my chest from the inside.

Tonight the house will be quiet and the worst feelings will creep in. But that’s for later. For now I’ll just pretend she is here and wish I could hear her voice.

I’m mourning, aching, struggling. Want to be selfish and self protective. So sad and angry and freaked. And brain dumping.

This has been the hardest day so far. The weight of Father’s Day. Of being alone now. I’m not sure how I’m supposed to survive this.

I’m not sure I want to.

What I like most about tumblr is I can see weird writing prompts, a gif set of a show I’ll never watch, someone I have interacted talking about fucking around in a river while another is struggling through a breakup. Then it will be some 12 year old meme resurfacing followed by delicious food and an offhand comment saying something like “whew. Didn’t expect to get my back blown out by a guy I met at the paint store” and it’s not even Saturday night yet.

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We say goodbye to Mom today as a family. I should just take an anti anxiety pill to help but there is a part of me who feels like i need to feel today. That’s probably stupid.

I think my siblings and I are getting a tattoo in hr memory this week. It was brought up almost as a joke and instantly we all agreed.

I really don’t know what’s next. How I restart snd continue after today. There is so much still left to do.

musashi

Hey can you guys reblog Cheeseburger so he can take a sunbeam nap on lots of blogs. No other reason I just want you guys to see him.

tarpo

Throwing this into the future so the sunbeams are better.

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