Stuff. And things.

[Image: tweet from Heather Lindsaychen (@oceana1009): “Reframing motivation not as an act of will, but a thing that naturally occurs when I am rested, fed, and am taking things at my own slow pace has helped me a lot“]

Hey, here is a nice insight for those beating themselves up for their low motivation.

I’ve noticed recently that I have a mental flinch response every time I consider doing something. Even a really easy pleasant thing, like going for a short walk or getting a snack from the fridge, let alone things like washing the dishes or doing work. I feel an impulse to do the thing and then I immediately shut it down and tell myself “maybe in five minutes”. This seems really bad! And I suspect it’s partially caused by forcing myself to do things, so that now when I consider doing a thing my instinctive response is “no” because I… don’t trust myself about it, if that makes any sense?

So anyway, instead of forcing myself to do things, I’ve been trying out just relaxing and doing what I want and following the random impulses, and it turns out I can 1) have fun, and 2) get decent amounts of work/etc done that way without feeling awful about it! While beating myself up about things pretty directly led to doing even fewer things in the long term, because my brain learned to associate “doing things” with unpleasantness. Don’t make your brain do that, it sucks.

I also want to acknowledge that we can’t always just do whatever we want willy-nilly. But noticing mental flinches (I had characterized them as a mental wall, previously)—and giving thought to what is motivating them—can lead to really useful insights.

In a similar vein is the way we build up small tasks that we’ve been putting off. I don’t know about you, maybe-a-lizard, but I get the same mental flinches with a task that’s been sitting on my to-do list for too long. I’ve realized I’m getting “nope” signals and that if I take a moment to recognize whatever is causing those (guilt, uncertainty about the first step, bad feelings etc.), I can break the current negative associations and move forward into a more constructive place.

I think connecting these things (the mechanics of motivation, mental flinches, and self-reflection) is really powerful and can help a lot when your “get up and go” is more of a “get up and no.”

Just some additional thoughts :)

I do want to emphasize, again, that cults (and toxic groups with cult-like attributes, I’m using this term pretty loosely) don’t usually look like what you’d expect. A lot of toxic and dangerous religious movements are tiny and you won’t find much about them via Google. Cultish non-religious movements are the same way.

Start-ups, multi-level marketing companies, activist groups, fan groups, political groups, and internet gurus who run retreats can all be cult-like and dangerous. Tune your BS detector, ask family, friends, and experts for advice.

Here are some warning signs:

Pressure – pressure to make quick decisions, to give (or pledge) considerable amounts of money, to move in with a group, to abandon family or cut off friends. Elevated Leaders – anyone claiming special insight, special powers, or that they aren’t human. Demanding special treatment (compared to other followers). Misuse of funds or money collecting at the top. physical, emotional, and/or sexual abuse. Lack of accountability or oversight. Isolation – encouraging (or requiring) members to cut off family relationships, friendships with those outside of the group, leaving jobs, moving to isolated areas, taking away communication methods. Strong “us-vs-them” mentality. Vilification of ex-members. Love-bombing. Altered states of consciousness – long work hours, sleep deprivation, lack of access to adequate food or water. Otherwise unproblematic activities like meditation/prayer/chanting, but done for hours. Discouraging doubt – discouraging or punishing doubt and critical thinking.

(Source 1, Source 2, Source 3)

I am the child (now 30) of former cult members. Those warning signs up there? They are definitely great. They are not by any means the only warning signs. Those are the secondary warning signs.

The first, and you’re going to hate this addition because now you’re going to be paranoid forever, is audacious hospitality. 

What do I mean? People who are tripping over themselves to be kind, caring, understanding, and validating. Maybe they’ll help you out if you’re down on your luck. They get you. They hear you. They listen really well. 

So where’s the problem? The problem is that now they’re your social and emotional support. You trust them because they’ve given you a reason to trust them. NOW is that time that the other shit kicks in. Are you in a religious cult? Now is when they begin to radicalize you. Are you falling victim to an MLM scheme? Now is when you invest. Yada yada.

No one starts in with the whole “killing these people will cleanse the earth of sin” bullshit. That comes later, sometimes months or even a year or so later, once you’re beginning to see the world their way. 

The same goes for financial and social control. No one starts off with “never speak to your mother again” or “you should give us all of your income in live in a house that we have assigned you.” You learn that these are natural things and you will benefit from this in some way (spiritually, emotionally, financially, socially, etc) throughout your relationship with these people.

Besides the Christian Bible, one of the required readings of my parents’ cult was How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie. This was specifically to bring people into the fold through false love. They were taught to emotionally manipulate people into being one of them. These people are ruthless and insidious and any attempt to break away with result in social shunning, financial ruin, and emotional pain because everyone from their group will make a point of hurting you in all the ways they learned best from when you trusted them. 

My 4 year old nephew loves to paint his nails. Any time he sees someone wear nail polish he asks if he can have some too. The most difficult part is getting him to decide what color, because he he wants all of them.

The kid’s favorite football player responded with support.