when she is born, they name her mary. it means âbitter.â her motherâplain, unlovelyâknows what her ugliness will mean. how it will feel. knows that ugliness makes everything harder, the mirror image of how being too beautiful makes everything harder. maryâs mother is unlovely, and she is happy, basically. she went to school, and they let her, not pretty enough to earn their scorn but too pretty to earn derision.
maryâs first wordâa year old, face too red, eyes somehow too far apart and too close together at the same time, nose a curious hookâis, âplease,â and maryâs father says, âno.â
maryâs father loves her, and he always says no. no mary, you canât go to school; theyâll mock you at school. no mary, you canât have pretty dresses; theyâll only accentuate your ugliness. no mary, no mary, no mary, no.
âplease,â mary says, and her father kisses her too-large forehead. runs his hand along her puffy cheeks. there isnât any one thing, not any single marker of her ugliness, only individual parts that donât seem to fit together right. lumps where straight lines should be, pocks along her chin, eyes that were too bright and too big and yet still not considered striking. he kisses her and holds her and says, âno.â
this is what you learn, when you are young and you donât look how they want you to:
the baker closes at four. if you are hungry, he will feed you, out of pity.
witches are everywhere. witches understand. witches will hold your hand, and run their thumbs along your lifeline. witches will say, take this, and press a bag into your palm. take this, it will help you.
beautiful women look at you once, and then never again. they fear you. they fear what you remind them, which is that natural beauty is unearned and hard-won beauty is unnatural. beauty is arbitrary, but beauty means everything. you are here, you are alive, you are ugly: they do not know what this means.
beautiful men will look at you, and look, and look. they will try to understand. they will say cruel things first, because that is how men are taught to treat ugly things. then they will taper into benign amusement. eventually they will forget you are a person at all, and they will say anything. they will say their darkest secrets and not realize you can hear them.
mary learns. mary listens. mary understands. mary is not as bitter as her name.
they say âugly,â but what they mean is, âstupid.â what they mean is, âuseless.â what they mean is, âdefeatable.â
âbe good, boys,â she scolds a group of particularly loud stable boys as she gathers their empty pints. the lights are dim enough to ease the angled corners of her broad shoulders. they love her here, gentle dim mary, too ugly for marriage. such a shame. what a nice girl, our ugly duckling.Â
âUgly Mary!â says jonas, the butcherâs son. âhave a sit. tell us a story.â
âthese tables arenât gonâ clean themselves,â she answers, even as she sits. jonas always leaves his purse on the table. the more drunk he gets, the less attention he pays to its weight. âwhat kind of story?â
âa good one,â jonas insists. âmake us laugh.â
âall right,â says mary, and leans forward. she wraps her fingers around jonasâ purse and holds it up in front of him. âthis is my dowry,â she says.Â
he laughs, head thrown back, eyes squeezed shut. the stable boys laugh too. everybody laughs. a dowry, for ugly mary. a dowry! mary palms the purse and leaves an empty one in its place. a witch gave it to her, once. a witch gave it to her and said this will come back to you, no matter how far away you send it.
mary has given jonas the butcherâs son this purse five times. he has always brought it back, confused, asking for his own. âi seem to have stolen this from someone,â he laughed, nervous. âonlyâdonât tell, mary, eh? iâll leave it here, and no harm done, eh?â
mary had tutted at him every time. âwatch those sticky fingers, jonas,â sheâd said. âtheyâll get the better of you one day. but itâll be our secret.â
âlast drinkâs on the house,â mary says, and whisks their glasses away.
a beautiful woman would walk into any room and have all eyes on her long legs, her round mouth, her startling eyes. a beautiful woman would have them on their knees saying yes. a beautiful woman would say, âi wantââ and they would say, âweâll give it.â
everyone wants to please a beautiful woman.
maryâs first trip to the palace is with a hood over her head. donât make them look too long at you, edna had said, her hands on her hips. edna loves mary, too. edna loves mary and edna always tells mary no.
sheâs here to make a delivery, some chickens for a party, and their usual boy has a broken leg. so mary brings the shipment. mary has her witchâs purse in her pocket, a snack from the baker in her mouth.Â
âoh, well arenât you a bit of a divine accident,â says the royal chef, frowning. âangels were scraping the bottom of the barrel for you, eh? parents couldnât quite get pregnant âtill you? asked a witch for help?â
mary flashes a smile. first they will be cruel. two days ago, she had knocked out a tooth specifically for this event, and her mouth is swollen. âwhere should i leave them?â she asks.
âsix of them straight to the kitchens, but leave one with me,â the chef says. he is still looking at her. âiâm hungry too, eh? ha!â he winks at her. then they will taper into benign amusement. when mary moves to obey, he catches her arm. âwhatâs your name, ugly girl?â
âmary,â she answers. her breath whistles through the gap where her tooth used to be. she smiles again, and watches his eyes soften. good.
âugly mary,â he muses. âi like you, girl. come again, with the next shipment.â
âyes sir,â she says, and smiles.
the chef cooks laxative herbs into the food of nobles who mistreat him. he tells her this thoughtlessly, sprinkling a leaf onto the top of a perfectly roasted turkey. his serving boy takes silver from the storage and sells it. their errands boy has been sleeping with the queenâs lady-in-waiting, and the queenâs lady-in-waiting told him that the queen is sleeping with the kingâs brother.
there are fights, at night, loud and long in the war room. mary gives her magic purse to the errands boy and he comes to her, days later, in a panic.Â
âi donât know where i got it,â he babbles, âbut itâs got a note in it, what says thereâs some kind of plot, some kind of secret plan, iâit wasnât me but if they find me with itââ
mary smiles. âshhh,â she soothes. âitâll be our secret.â
âitâll be our secret,â mary promises the chef, the purse full of belladonna in her hands. i didnât mean to, heâd blubbered. i didnât know, i thought it was sage, i thought it wasâ
âitâll be our secret,â mary says to the serving boy, taking the purse from him. the queenâs diamonds are in it. her favorite. sheâs gone to war for less. i donât know where it came from, heâd wept. i must have grabbed it by mistake.
âitâll be our secret,â mary assures the queenâs lady-in-waiting. the purse is heavy with a vial filled with liquid. enough to terminateâoh godâa pregnancy, the girl had whispered, horrified. i must have taken it from her bathroom, thinking it was mine, iâŚif she knowsâŚ
our secret, mary promises, smiling, smiling. they thank her. they give the purse back, and give it back, and give it back.
mary eats well. her mother sells the diamonds mary gave herââa gift,â she says, smiling, smilingâand their roof is thatched, their clothing mended. they buy a cow.
mary holds onto the vial. she knows better than to waste opportunities on frivolous purchases.
âare you proud of me, father?â mary asks, and her father says, âyes.â
âso youâre ugly mary,â says the queen, looking at her.
mary nods. smiles. mary is not as bitter as her name.
the king laughs, loud and booming. the king is not a beautiful man, but beneath the glitter of his crown itâs hard to see. he hides his ugliness, with thick capes and gold crowns; mary knows better.
âcanât seem to get anyone to say a single word against you,â the king says. âeveryone says: you want something done, ask ugly mary.â
âif i can serve you, Majesty,â mary says, curtsying deeply, âit would be my honor.â
âno,â says the queen. the queen is beautiful, and she looks away.Â
âjust to do the cleaning,â the king says, and smiles at her, benign. ânothing like an ugly girl to do the ugly work, eh?â
mary smiles. âindeed, your Majesty,â she says.
beautiful women are noticed. you never stop noticing them. they arrest you. they want you to please them, and you want it too.
ugly women are noticed. you never stop noticing them. they arrest you, and you want them to please you. it is not hard to please you. they only have to give you what you think you want.
âwhat i like about you, ugly mary,â says the king, âis that you never make a fuss. i barely realize youâre here.â
thatâs not true, mary knows. but she has worked hard to learn how to make it seem as if it is. she is not unnoticed, she is simply unremarkable. surely someone who looks defeated must be defeated.
âaye, Majesty,â she says.
he trails off, fingers running across the bedspread. âwhatâs this?â he asks, plucking maryâs purse from the sheets. she keeps her eyes on the floor, scrubbing.Â
one dose before bedtime, the paper reads. the pregnancy will end with blood.
âthe pregnancy will end,â the king says aloud. âthe pregnancy willâthe pregnancyââ
mary looks up. she waits.
the kingâs eyes snap to her. âtell no one,â he says, and mary smiles.
âMajesty, it will be our secret,â she promises.
father are you proud of me father are you proud father
the day of the queenâs death, and the death of the kingâs brother, mary stays at the castle. she cleans, and waits. she is careful to be in the kingâs chamber when he returns, puffy-eyed. drunk.Â
âugly mary,â he slurs as she tucks him into bed. âshe was too beautiful. she lied. her beauty lied, sheâyou would never lie.â
mary smiles. she takes a liberty she never has before, and brushes his hair from him face. ânever, Majesty,â she promises.
âyour ugly face hides a beautiful heart,â he slurs, and mary laughs.
âplease donât tell anyone, majesty,â she teases, and he says, âno mary, no. itâll be our secret.â
you are here, you are alive, you are ugly: they do not know what this means.
at the wedding, mary does not try to look beautiful. she dresses simply. they love her for it, ugly mary with the beautiful heart.
the chef weeps, the serving boy weeps, the errands boy weeps, the lady-in-waiting weeps. ugly mary has been so kind to them. ugly mary keeps their secrets.
they stand at the altar, mary and her king, her simple king. he looks at her and smiles, so fond, so trusting, so sure. a woman like ugly mary could never betray him. a woman like ugly mary is surely so grateful. gratitude is loyalty. gratitude keeps your secrets.