frieren hits hard in more ways than one
like first of all, that they always show, not tell. everything isn't said outloud for you, and you learn by juxtaposition. except when frieren really doesnt understand, then thats when someone (fern) steps in to say those words directly.
there are just so many stories about the journey to reaching a goal, but not as many about the what someone does past the big, big goal. so there's this surreal feeling of, what is there left to do? its like a huge world where you feel like you've accomplished everything and yet you've accomplished nothing
I especially love how we're exactly like frieren--"I don't know anything about Himmel", she says, and we as viewers/readers also know nothing about him. And we slowly remember bits and things about him as the episodes progress to form this shape of him that she's unconsciously made but has only really started to understand
and then, the way that she doesn't say a word, but you know what she's doing is directly related to something that himmel has done / said.
her magic is like me with cooking. if you ask me if i like cooking, i'd be like just so-so--im always learning how to cook and learning new techniques and new dishes and how to get it just like restaurants...
but really that's partially because
it was /you/ who gave me that inspiration, it was you that loved eggs, it was you who made steak and asparagus, it was you that made bentos for us at lunch time
if someone were to ask me, I'd just answer "I just wanted to try out this dish" -- but somewhere inside me, I'm remembering the way you told me to cook to the right temperature, how you taught me how to hold the knife and gushed about the proper way to take care of them. I still fluff rice the same way you showed me the first time even.
And when you left--all I could think was, "why didn't I just ask you more about what you wanted?" As i grow older, the years I spent with you in my life changes to smaller and smaller fractions--but the spaces you've left in me haven't changed at all.
frieren remembering himmel reminds me of how i remember you, this vague feeling that I don't feel much of anything for you anymore, but at the same time I miss you more than anything else in this world
and reading this, surely someone will ask, "are you still pining after all these years?" and to that i respond, i don't think so.
its the idea of not ever being able to talk or interact with someone that you used to spend every living moment with, and you'll never be able to regain those days back except as a dream, a vague memory, a passing though when something familiar flashes by your eyes. its equivalent to death--to that person i used to know, to the person that used to know me, that person is someone i'll never be able to connect with anymore
and knowing the loss of you, makes me realize the pain of losing the other things in my life--my grandma, my friends, my daily routines. if not for you, i dont think i would have come to love stories like violet evergarden, liz and the blue bird, and now frieren. because of you i know the value of treasuring the small things in life that we take for granted, the slow days spent lazing around with friends laughing and smiling.
if not for you, i wouldn't have paid as much attention to the things that impact me in my daily life, just as frieren would have never learned about impact of the passage of time, learned about the value of relationships, or learned about the meaningful things in everyday life.
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