#zoewrites<3

maybe if it was just that one time, the both of you wouldn’t be where you are now. but it wasn’t just that one time. what was meant to be a casual, convenient, fun way to blow off steam turned into spending the night more often than not. it was “five more minutes” in bed together, kissing in the car before walking in separately into work, and wordless coffee drop offs when charting.

jack couldn’t get you out of his head. he found himself seeking you out more than he knew he should, but he wanted to. he wanted to be the one you went to after a good shift or a bad one. he wanted to keep making you laugh. he liked buying you things and taking care of you. he just wanted you. that's how he knew he was getting in too deep, but he was your superior, your boss, technically speaking, and the lines were becoming blurry. he wasn’t ready, or at least he thought he wasn’t. so he started to pull away. he put boundaries up.

you didn’t put up a fight, you even beat him to the punch by ending it before he could under the guise of “keeping things professional”. you switched to day shift when you could, but that wasn’t working out too well for you. he didn’t want to lose you, but it seemed like it was going to happen anyway so at that time he didn’t protest.

you couldn’t avoid him altogether, after all he was still your boss and you had a lot to lose career wise if you messed up, but boy if you didn’t try. it didn’t work too well for you when an attending was needed though.

“i need an attending for my case in trauma 2, are you free?” you waltz up to the charting station, internally hoping that robby could help you out.

“i’m a little tied up right now, but looks like Abbot is about to be free?” he answers, giving you a knowing look.

“robby.” you respond back flatly, trying to control your face and voice from breaking out into protest. trinity, who’s watching from the other side of the station, laughs and you raise your hand to hit her but she backs away.

“you need an attending, he’s an attending, is he not?” robby doesn’t back down, instead he crosses his arms across his chest momentarily to stand his ground. “can’t avoid him all the time, doctor.” he says with a slightly lowered, but stern, voice to you before getting up and diverting his attention to other matters.

before you can protest again, jack walks over.

"someone need an attending?" he asks, his eyes floating from robby to land on you. his gaze doesn't waver and it's soft and warm, it always is, and you hate it.

"i do, but it can wait, if you're busy?" you sigh, but you can't take your eyes off of him either.

"always got time for you." he smiles all smug, and you hate that too.

you open the chart for your patient, angling it towards him. he leans into your space anyway, a hand on your lower back that is just barely there, as an acknowledgment that he's listening. but he's actually flirting when you're trying to be professional. you don't know if you want to kiss him or yell at him.

"if the cut is a deep as you say, flush it out then put a few dissolvable stitches underneath and then some lighter stitches on top to minimize scarring. i'll check on it after you're done to sign off." jack advises you. he got a quick look at the patient when they came in, and he trusts your skills.

"got it. thank you, dr.abbot." you emphasize "doctor" as to make a point that this is supposed to be professional. the hand that was on your lower back now moves to squeeze your shoulder as he crosses to the other side of the ER.

jack still wants you. he just hasn't gotten over his pride yet to do anything about it except flirt with you. you won't be the one to force him.

you temporarily shove your face into your arms as you lean against the nurses station.

"so...are you guys like back together or..." trinity speaks up again and you manage to actually hit her this time. "hey! this is workplace violence!"

"we would have to had been something to be anything now. which we are not. he is an attending, that is all." you hiss, but there is no denying that the atmosphere is charged even if with jack out of your current line of sight.

"i would normally insert myself here and tell you how wrong you are, but thought you'd like to know who's coming." princess interupts, gently directing your attention to mateo, who is walking towards you with a smile and an extra coffee in hand.

you glare at trinity and princess, signaling to them to zip it as you change your expression to greet him.

"nurse diaz, you're early for your night shift." you joke lightly, smiling as he approaches.

"i thought i'd take my chances to see my favorite day shift doctor." he teases, handing you a coffee. you take it, ignoring the purposeful brush of hands from him.

"you didn't have to bring this for me, again, you know."

"i know, but i am the one who switched to a night shift today which messed up our plans. it's the least i can do for missing out on taking you out." mateo points out, and it's hard to deflect his teasing.

"i already told you that it's no big deal. we'll reschedule, right?" you offer, trying not to grimace as the words leave your mouth.

" 'course. as if i'd miss the chance to see you outside this ER." he smiles, leaning into your space a bit and shoving your arm playfully. it does get a laugh out of you though.

mateo is sweet. when you're on the same shift, if trinity is taking longer than usual or whitaker is planning to go to the farm and you don't feel like waiting for them, mateo brings you home. or he comes over for dinner. sometimes joining you, trinity, and whitaker for it. sometimes just you and him.

you guess you could say you're seeing each other? it's only been a few outside of work hangouts, or dates, that have occured in the last couple weeks since whatever it is with you and jack came to an end. it's unlabeled and you're trying to keep it that way for as long as you can. you don't sleep at mateo's, but once or twice you guys have fallen asleep watching a movie in the living room at your place. he's kissed you, polite and soft, on your doorstep once or twice. you decided to ignore that you felt nothing after.

he's uncomplicated. he's close in age. he's going at this pace because you set it. you should like him. you should. but do you?

"just don't let these patients get to you. they're fiesty today. something about the holiday brings out the worst in people" you brush him off, again, but not without a convincing smile.

from across the ED, just out of your sight, jack watches the whole interaction. he watches the passing of coffee, the way nurse diaz makes you laugh and you nervously brush your hair behind your ear. it creates this uncomfortable tightness in his chest. for weeks, he has convinced himself that he was doing the right thing by stepping back, even if every part of him was screaming to pull you close instead of push you away. he has no right to feel any type of way about you seemingly moving on. but he does, and he's feeling his regrets extra hard right now.

"dr.abbot you're bending that ng-tube." robby says from behind him. jack snaps out of whatever daze he was in and relaxes his grip on the tube. "you were glaring by the way."

"i don't know what you're talking about." jack scoffs, returning to what he was doing while still sneaking glances at you.

"fine. it's none of my business. but for what it's worth i don't think they're serious. " robby slides that last part in there casually, and jack perks up.

"you keeping up with hospital gossip now?" he teases before glancing back at you and back to robby "what have you heard?"

"you're in deep, brother." robby laughs shaking his head. "according to santos, he's been over at their place a few times. but santos says that your girl isn’t wanting more from whatever it is between them and it’s more friendly than anything."

jack mulls that over for a bit as he watches mateo leave to go on rounds. he thinks that he could possibly take his chance to go talk to you.

robby places a hand on jack's shoulder, looking over at you as well. "normally i wouldn't be in favor of a workplace romance between two of my doctors, but i can see how much you care about her. and i do think you were out of your mind to let her go, but if there's any chance you can get your head out of your ass and get her back then i think you need to.”

robby leaves jack alone, hoping that he’s gotten through to him.

jack positions himself slightly closer to your side of the ED, still out of your view but now in earshot of the conversation you’re now having with whitaker, santos, and javadi.

“how long are we gonna pretend that he doesn’t like you?” whitaker says helping you scan charts since the electronic system is now up and working.

“until she admits that she doesn’t like him, huckleberry.” santos puts bluntly as she starts shredding.

“he’s really nice!”

“but he’s not you know who.” javadi says softly, lightly resting her head on your shoulder as she comes up next to you, earning a sigh from you.

“you know who, doesn’t want me. am i supposed to wait around until they do? after all, i was probably the one who thought it was more than what it was.”

upon hearing this part, jack has to hold himself back. you think he doesn’t want you? you thought you were the only one that wanted more, or felt like it was more?

“if he doesn’t want you then why does he still flirt with you? why does he always linger? maybe cuz he’s old he doesn’t know how to handle you cuz you’re young and hot.” santos adds once again. he pretends not be offended at the use of “old” but everything else she’s said is true. he does want you. more than he can explain.

“i don’t know guys. i’m not saying i need some grand gesture, but it’s gonna have to be more than lingering and flirting from you know who for me to believe that it would go anywhere beyond what it was. even if i want that.” you explain finishing up your shredding before getting up to check on a patient.

jack watches you go, but as he does javadi and santos notice him. he makes a particular kind of eye contact with them that says something like if you don’t do something then you’re gonna miss your chance.

so he waits. waits until there's no disasters coming in and you're not tied up with a patient, and he comes to you.

"hey, i heard there's a trauma coming in, can you come out to the ambulance bay with me?" he asks you. no flirtation in his voice, no hand touching you. you narrow your eyes at him, not quite believing that there's a trauma coming in. you look to your fellow doctors watching, and they shrug, so against your better judgement you follow him.

you know right away there is no trauma incoming when you get outside. but you don't leave immediately either because this is the only true time you've been alone with him in some weeks.

"well, dr.abbot, now that i can see there's no trauma coming, what is it that you really brought me out here for?" you cross your arms over your chest in an effort to protect yourself from the emotions you're feeling. it certainly doesn't help that the way he towers over you and looks at you still has your heart beating faster than normal.

"i just need five minutes for you to hear me out." jack starts, and maybe if you were more mad you'd shut him down, but you don't and you listen.

"for weeks, i have been trying to convince myself it was for the best that we didn't continue what we were. and i know that you're probably thinking that's bullshit, it's just that i'm finally realizing that it is bullshit. it is bullshit because i can't stop thinking about you. i haven't stopped thinking about you from the minute i found you in the kitchen that first morning after. " he's sincere, and the thought of that night and the morning after, every night and morning shared, brings heat to your cheeks. he takes that as a good sign so he continues.

"it was never just casual for me. i wanted more. i still do. i wish i never gave you up in the first place because maybe we'd actually be together by now. i didn't think i was ready, and that's not an excuse, but it is the truth. and i'm sorry that i didn't say that before. i also might be jealous of a certain nurse i've happened to hear that you're seeing...as embarrassing as that is to admit too. "

you laugh a bit as he scratches the back of his neck.

"you, jealous, of mateo?"

"maybe. yeah. it's embarrassing, but it just may have been the last thing to push me to get my head out of my ass and tell you that i miss you. "

"oh." you aren't quite sure what to say to that last part. it's nice to hear, it's what you've been wanting to hear. but taking it in right now is a bit unexpected.

"if you have a good thing going with him, i'm not going to get in your way. i just wanted you to know how i really feel, and on the off chance you still want to be with me, i'll hang around a bit longer after the shift ends and we can figure that out."

"i'll think about it." and you mean that. it's just a lot.

"good. that's good. i'll be here." he turns his head to look at you and he musters up a smile. you smile too but only before returning to check on some remaining patients.

upon your return, you try to get through the rest of the shift without thinking too hard. you find yourself comparing jack and mateo, but truthfully you and your close friends know that your heart isn't in it with mateo anyway. you don't need them to tell you that, but the pitiful look whitaker gives you when you walk back in is enough for you.

before the end of your shift, you tell mateo you think it'd be better if you guys remain friends. he understands, because of course he does, and he promises to not make it weird. you feel relief almost instantly, which leaves just one thing.

you grab your stuff and head back outside. not to your surprise at all, jack is leaning up against his truck waiting for you. he tries not to smile but can't help it the closer you get.

"offer still good?" you say to jack as you approach, a smile creeping up on your face too.

"if it means i get to keep you." he jokes, pushing up off the truck and meeting you half the distance.

"i think we could come to an agreement." you grin now and you don't stop yourself from letting your arms wrap over his shoulders and around his neck.

"i think so too." jack smirks, his bag hands pulling you in by your waist before kissing you. you don’t have any complaints.

maybe for once both of you will stay.

⭑.ᐟ

a/n: yoooooo idk what happened here or if it makes any sense but yet another fic i made cuz i was listening to a song...plz lmk your thoughts! i love jack abbot heheh <3

the subtleties start to fade away. you don’t usually work nights but it’s not so uncommon that you would switch or pick up an extra shift. it creates an opportunity for him to bring you a coffee, everytime you happen to share shifts. the hand brushing doesn’t stop, but it’s now your hand lingering on his arm or bicep to thank him. it’s sharing the coffee in the ambulance bay alone if the ER is slow enough, where elbows will knock together and arms will press into each other too without pointing it out.

“any particular reason you keep picking up night shifts? you lose a bet with princess again?” he jokes but he’s curious. maybe he wants you to admit that you want to see him, maybe he doesn’t want to admit that he wishes you’d work more nights so he could see you.

“i thought you liked working with me, dr.abbot” you tease back, but answer anyway. “it might sound dumb, but my ipad broke. i used it for everything in school and even now to keep track of my personal shift notes and tasks so i'm trying to save up for a new one."

at first he thinks it's dumb. he doesn't initially say anything about it as you change the subject and he nods along with it. the pair of you sip on your coffee, that you pretend is the shitty hospital kind and not from the expensive place down the street that he knows you like.

awhile later is when he remembers that he's seen you use your personal ipad many times. he's briefly teased you about what a relic it was since it was one of the first models to come out, you argued that the fact he remembers when it came out speaks to his age as well. he starts to feel this want to be around you more. to take care of you despite you insisting every time that you don't need him to buy your coffee or wonder about how many shifts you pick up.

but a few days later you know what just happens to appear in your locker at the start of your shift? a brand new ipad. the latest version too. there's no note but you know exactly who it's from.

"jack, you know i can't accept this." you address him by his first name as you catch him heading to the parking lot after his shift. he insisted that you do. he tells himself that it doesn't mean anything other than that there's not reason to be so formal all the time, but it makes his blood rush in more ways than one.

"i don't know what you're talking about, kid." he turns back towards you, just for a moment with a smug smile on his face. you haven't changed into scrubs yet so you're dressed for the summer heat and it almost has him losing his bravado. the weather is a perfectly good reason to be wearing shorts as short as the ones you're wearing but the way you're looking at him all fake annoyed and fake humble about the gift makes him want to tear them off.

"you don't have to take care of me." you get close enough to see every micro expression on his face. specifically the way his eyes turn downwards towards you at the same time that he gets that annoyingly attractive divot between his eyebrows and that one corner of his lip starts to turn into a smile. just a few of the things that keep you up at night thinking about him. jack leans down past your head by your ear, lowering his voice to ensure you can hear him.

"but you like that i do." he makes brief eye contact raising just one eyebrow at you before walking away. and it is so annoying how right you know he is.

it all comes to a head on july fourth.

you're on day shift for the holiday. you've been all over the place, especially since you've been helping dr.mohan with her diabetes patient.

abbot arrives earlier than expected alongside his emergent SWAT team member. you choose to focus on the patient and not how good he looks in uniform. you know all the reasons you're not going for it. he's older, he's a chief attending. you don't want your personal life to be the talk of the ER, and you really don't want to deal with gloria.

then you open the curtain in the room you thought the diabetes patient was in, and you’re faced with dr.abbot, a very shirtless version of him.

“dr.abbot, i’m sorry i was looking for a patient i didn’t know you were in here.” your apology is genuine, but you’re suddenly trying really hard not to look (you’re failing) at his exposed chest muscles and arms. those arms…

he notices what’s catching your attention and seems to relish in catching you off guard for once. he’s always noticing these days. it’s more than those shorts you’ve been wearing lately. it’s the way you throw your hair over your shoulder or up to get it out of your way, and he’s suddenly wondering what the perfume he’s seen you spray on your neck smells like up close. it’s the lipgloss you wear that he has no business wanting to taste.

you’re always composed, even when you’re annoyed or frustrated you’re focused. he thinks you need to relax. he wants to unravel you like you’ve been doing to him since you walked into this ER for the first time.

“it’s no big deal. bullet grazed me, just patching myself up.” jack explains, still smug at how off your guard you are. you’re still staring a bit, and he must admit that it is doing wonders for his ego that the pretty nurse he’s been pining after for months likes what she sees.

you finally snap yourself out of it, and respond by closing the curtain and grabbing some fresh gloves and what you need to finish taking care of his wound.

“well aside from this, are you okay?” you ask as you work on him. you are trying not to be nervous or say anything stupid, but this is a whole other level of being close to him that has you begging your heart to not beat so fast.

“nothing i can’t handle, kid. " he reassures, and you hum at that as you finish up. when you do, you stand in front of him and hand him his shirt.

"you don't have to take care of me. " he says looking at you, now about eye level with you from where he sits. he narrows his eyes, testing you with the same words you'd said to him the other day.

you understand right away. you bite back a smile the best you can.

"but you like that i do, don't you jack?" it's your turn to throw his words back at him. you smile proud of yourself and wait a beat for his next move.

you think that maybe he's speechless and are just about to turn to open the curtain and leave when he pulls you in for a kiss that you return not even a full second later.

abbot's kiss is searing and desperate. his large hands find your waist as yours grip the bare skin of his shoulders. he groans as you let his tongue delve deeper into your mouth. you're afraid that if you let go of his shoulders you'll actually fall from how dizzingly good this is. he steadies you easily from where he's holding you as his hands slyly find the inside of your scrub top and press against your stomach. your skin is soft in comparison to the roughness of his hands that are worn from war, surgery, and a whole life before you that you're dying to know.

unfortunately, needing to breathe is a thing. you reluctantly pull away and tip your head to the side to catch your breath. he noses at your jaw, causing your heart to thud like the bass of a drum at a loud concert. he then presses it into your pulse revealing just how much its racing, but good thing his is doing the same.

abbot then takes a hold of your chin between his thumb and pointer finger to face you back towards him, his breath fanning over your lips. "so, my place or yours later?"

⭑.ᐟ

tags: @pittsick @gibsongirrl @voidsuites @soaraes @222col @inbred-eater

"steve--" you tried to reiterate your point, but he was about to ramble about all the reasons he didn't want this.

"i'll take less shifts at the squawk. i'll make dustin walk home more, and i'll be more careful during crawls. we can spend more time together, just the two of us." steve was pacing the room, running his hands through his hair stressed. he didn't understand how this could happen.

"steve, as much as i believe that you could, i just think it's better this way. there's a lot going on as it is, i don't want to make things harder." truthfully, you didn't want to break up. not really. but the stakes were higher now, you knew they needed him more than you did, and as much as he tried to keep you out of it, everyone needed you both to be focused.

"how can it be better?" he finally stopped to look at you, and all you could see was hurt. you were quiet at first, and you tried to look away from him so you wouldn't go back on your words. but he reached out to gently turn your face, making you look at him and repeated himself. "how can it be better if we're not together? if i'm losing you?"

"you're not losing me. i'll still be around. you'll see me, and we'll be friends. just like before." the words felt bitter on your tongue, but you said them anyway as you slowly took his hand away. being "just friends" with steve was something you never wanted, and the period of time in which you were that had long come and gone.

"it won't be like before. please, i don't want it to end like this." steve was holding back tears, though the hurt on his face was evident. he to wanted to fight more for the relationship, for you, but he hadn't seen this coming and he wasn't prepared.

"i'm sorry, steve. i think this is what i need right now, and i really hope you can try to understand." you don't fully believe in the words you're saying, but ending it now seemed like it would hurt less to lose him later, so you left it at that.

for the weeks to come, you tried to be a new normal. you drove yourself to volunteer at the hospital and to work, choosing to believe that the songs playing on the radio from wsqk were your favorite songs all the time, purely by coincidence and not steve putting robin up to it. you kept your window locked at night instead of wide open, chalking up the sounds of soft rocks hitting your window to "must have been the wind". you picked up will, mike, lucas, and dustin from school on your designated days and didn't let them ask questions about who was missing from the passenger seat. but at night, after the rocks would fade away since he’d assumed you’d fallen asleep and you were in your bed by yourself, the nightmares would come and he wasn’t there to hold you.

you put on a brave face when you’d have to do drop offs to someone’s house and steve would be there. you two would wave at each other sadly watching as the kids staggered across the lawn into the house. steve would close the door behind them, trying not to be so obvious as he watched you drive away through the window or the peep hole. dustin actually witnessed steve clutching at his chest one time and steve couldn’t live it down for the whole day.

steve's been using all his extra money to buy cassettes of all your favorite songs for robin to play on the radio. anything he can get his hands on really, fleetwood mac, whitney houston, the smiths. robin's getting tired of what she calls his "hopeless brokenhearted boy" phase, but he insists that you're listening, that you're gonna take him back eventually. he'd told himself months ago he would get you these tapes, he even wanted to get you a walkman for yourself. he was still saving up for it, and he was convinced that if given the chance he could get murray to pick it up for him.

he'd been doing reflecting, and he can see where he fell short. while most people wouldn't blame him for getting lost given the state of the world and the stakes they're up against, steve knows that that doesn't mean you stop living your life or lose sight of what is most important to you. he's trying really hard to respect your boundaries since breaking up, but he's also not gonna give up on you.

you see the efforts he's putting in, and you so badly want to give in, but then there’s nancy.

whatever you do, she's there. you don't hate her, not at all. she's been a big part of keeping everyone alive, she's smart, strong, and sure of herself. steve may be trying to win you back by playing your favorite songs on the station, having dustin sneak extra snacks into your bags, throwing rocks at your window at night, and flowers with no tag left in the mailbox every few days, but it all fades away when she's around.

she's a leader through and through, she makes things look easy. she knows more, seen more, been through more than you could fully understand. steve's kept you out of as much as he could for what he says is for your own safety, but it began to feel like distrust and not wanting you around. it pushed you away. so it stings, when despite all his efforts to win you back, he jump at the chance to help her with whatever she asks. it twists your stomach when it takes him longer than you'd expect for him to notice when you enter a room if she's talking. and it makes your chest feel tighter knowing that it hurt when you guys were still together and still does now.

nancy has jonathan, you know that. but even if you aren't what you'd call close to either of them outside of this other worldy stuff, you know that jonathan feels it too. maybe he can just stomach it better than you can.

for steve, he tries really hard to not care about them. nancy and him have history, and there was a time he thought that she was it for him. he doesn't meddle in her's and jonathan's relationship, but nancy's still his friend and he knows it bothers jonathan when jonathan should really shift his focus. just like steve should have for you when he had the chance. when he's not tied up trying to get your attention again, he's pushing down those feelings for you and trying to go out with other girls. but they all seem to want him for one thing, and he thinks he'd be searching for a real connection he only ever had with you.

it's been weeks now since the break up. your other friends, based on the information you were able to tell them, see how down you are and encourage you to slowly get back out there. you go on a few dates with this guy scott. he's not from hawkins, but got stuck here as he was passing through on his way back to MIT. he's got this southern charm to him, smart, has plans to be some sort of natural disaster engineer, something called a storm chaser. but the whole time you're with him you think about steve. scott's really nice and you know that if you really tried it would be a whole lot less complicated than it is with steve. it'd be stable. but you'd be thinking about steve, and you're not too sure if you'd feel guilty enough about that.

nancy's already explaining the crawl for this week when you arrive to the squawk. everyone's already there, so you try your best to go unnoticed. you do get some quiet acknowledgements from the group. nancy directs her attention to you when she explains your role this time.

"you'll stick with robin and will this time. is that fine?" her tone is straightforward, but not unkind. if anything, she's been more kind than normal without saying given the situation with steve. usually you'd post up with him in the van, he'd insist on it, but things are different now.

"yeah. got it. thanks nance." your tone is the same, and it is the first time steve allows himself to not pretend that he's not looking at you. if it were up to him you wouldn't be anywhere near this or you'd be by his side at the least. he's working on being okay with the situation, with being better and not pushing you away despite not being together at all.

steve's attention catches back on nancy as she continues to explain, he gives input and she agrees and he smiles, and the pit in your stomach is there again. when she's just about finished talking, you slip out of the room quietly to go outside and get some air.

you're looking to the sky, willing the universe to spare you. you're not sure how much more of this you can take, maybe you should just slowly disappear from the group altogether to make it easier. these thoughts are all running through your head when robin comes and checks on you.

"hey...you good?" she says shaking you out of your spiral temporarily.

"yeah, just needed some air. " you try to brush her off, but that doesn't work with her. these type of things don't get past robin, but she's steve's best friend and you aren't the type of person to make someone choose.

"i can always tell when you're upset you know. my mother says that i shouldn't point it out to people because it might upset them more, but i don't like seeing people upset. not just because it makes me feel upset, but because i want them to feel better." she rambles but you know her heart's in a good place.

"you sound like steve, you know." you tease, not meaning to bring him up but it is a common ground the two of you have.

"dingus has rubbed off on me more than i'd like to admit." she laughs before her tone turns gentle. "he's an idiot, in so many ways. like truly, i don't know how he made it this far sometimes. but you were, are, something good for him. "

"robin-"

"and i just want you to know that i like having you around. at first i was getting annoyed that he kept giving you free ice cream when you weren't even official yet but by the time we got to family video i liked the movies you picked. and now the station is a little boring in the mornings, and even if i like some of the same music as you i don't know how much more sad steve i can take. " she spits out, and once again it's a lot. but it's also sincere, and surprisingly comforting.

"thanks robin. i think?" you're taken aback at her sudden sincerity but it loosens you up a little bit.

"i'm not good with words. i think what i want to say is, i don't know what happened, and steve doesn't have the best track record with women, but i hope that whatever it was that you don't disappear. " she manages to get out, and you understand for the first time what she means.

"thank you robin. i'll try." that's the best you can say, offering her your own honest smile. you leave at that and she seems to get the hint as she walks away.

you choose to stay out there. you decide you still need to work up some courage to go back in there and want to clear your head. it's comforting that she hasn't picked sides, not that you'd blame her. it makes you feel like maybe this group has a place for you even without steve. but you're not really sure if you want to be here, stuck in this weird in between of belonging and not, without him.

you hear footsteps approach from behind you, and you turn expecting it to be robin again but instead it's steve. you're not too sure what to say, but you don't tell him to leave either. you wrap your arms around yourself tighter to keep yourself warm and without asking or hesitation, he slips his jacket off and onto your shoulders with ease.

"can't have you freezing your ass off." steve says quietly, grabbing the front of the jacket and pulling it tighter around you gently. curse him for being so caring after everything.

"that wouldn't be good would it?" you try to joke to ease the tension, not quite looking up at him.

"i wouldn't like it, that's for sure." he mutters bluntly. you don't have to look at him to feel his stare.

"it's not your job to take care of me anymore you know. " you point out softly after a beat of silence. you love steve. that doesn't just go away. but you're trying not to need him, and this isn't helping.

"maybe it's not. but i'm still going to. whenever i can." steve responds. for once he sounds sure of himself.

"steve..." you shake your head, trying to still avoid eye contact, but he carefully lifts your chin to force you to look at him straight on.

"i miss you. and i know i probably wasn't the greatest boyfriend at times and don't deserve you most of the time. but i'm trying." steve's eyes bore into yours, and it's the second saddest time you've ever seen them.

"i know you are. i'm trying to not want you but i can't get you out of my system."

"then don't. don't get me out of your system. please? i need you." steve's never wanted to admit that he needed anyone. but it's become abundantly clear to him that he does, that it's you, and he can't do anything about it even if he tried.

"you need me? because i feel like i've been going crazy wondering if there's really a place here for me." you reveal vulnerably. you don't outright say that it's nancy or that you felt pushed away by him. but he knows those things now without you having to repeat yourself.

"there's always a place for you." he says without hesitation, taking your hand and putting it over his heart.

you're silent but the way you don't pull away is an answer he can accept for now. "after the crawl, if there's no monsters or military after us, leave your window open for me? and we'll talk. please?" he's practically begging now, pressing his forehead to yours, but you've never been good at resisting him.

"we'll talk." you agree closing your eyes but still not pulling away. you both sigh, part relief, part still scared. but it's a step.

he cups your face and you open your eyes again and he smiles. it's the first time in a long time that it's reserved just for you, and you smile too.

things were different now though. the two of you were sat on the floor of your new apartment, trying to put together a coffee table. yes, he had ulterior motives having you, his best friend that he had been secretly in love with all his life, move to his city. but this was his chance to make this a real thing.

the pair of you weren't making much progress, too busy catching up and laughing like no time had passed. a half finished bottle of wine sat on the floor amongst screws and pieces of wood. you were clutching your stomach in a fit of giggles over something clark had said, your head falling to his shoulder as you tried to catch your breath. clark wasn't sure that whatever he had said was that funny, but all that mattered to him was that he was the reason for it.

"i really missed you clark." you said when you finally could get words out. you lifted your head from his shoulder and his eyes met yours. your face was so close to his, and clark tried to not to choke on his breath. he told himself to be cool, to channel that superman confidence into clark, and seize the moment he swore the universe was giving him.

"i missed you too." clark responded, affectionately smiling at you and tucking hair away from your face and behind your ears. at first he thinks he's imagining the way you leaned into his touch. your cheek is warm in his hand, and he chooses to believe it has nothing to do with the alcohol.

it's unclear who's leaning in first, but what clark does know is that the second your lips meet his he never wants to go back to not knowing what they feel like. he's kissing you like he wants to savor you, and your hands are fisting in his shirt like you never want to come up for air.

clark effortlessly pulls you into his lap, groaning into your mouth as your hips started to grind down onto his. as his hands took purchase on your thighs, feeling how soft and perfect everything about this is clark is sure that his dreams can't compare. you pull away for air and his lips chase yours.

"clark..." you sigh out as his lips meet the underside of your jaw.

"hmm?" clark continues kissing up your jaw, to behind your ear, before trying to catch your mouth with his again.

"this doesn't change anything right?" you managed to pull away long enough to blurt out. clark freezes. he reads your expression and tries to interpret your body language. he's known you long enough to translate almost all your mannerisms, and he can tell you don't want to talk about whatever this is, but your body is acting on its own accord. you don't want to stop, and neither does he, so what does he do?

"it doesn't change anything. whatever you want." clark assures you and you pull him into another bruising kiss just as he gets the words out. the minute you start unbuttoning his shirt he lifts you up and carries you to your room, laying you down carefully and getting on top of you. he touches you like you’re fragile, but also like he’s making sure this is real. he’s tentative as he undresses you and he’s trying to calm down but his enhanced hearing makes your heartbeat sound extra loud to him, and it’s beating faster than he’s ever heard it.

“you’re sure about this?” you say, forehead pressed to his as you guys are about to reach the point of no return.

“if you are.” clark responds softly, kissing your cheek sweetly, like he always has when you seem uncertain, as a way of giving you the option to back out if that’s what you wanted.

“no strings attached right?” you offer a smile, nervous as hell, half knowing that there are actually so many strings involved and that you’re definitely lying to yourself, but the other half of you really wants this anyway.

“anything you want.” he agrees before you kiss him and take exactly what you’ve been wanting this whole time. it’s not a complete lie, he’d give you anything you want either way. but he knows this isn’t what he wants. not in the way that matters.

the whole time clark is caring, considerate, and he asks for permission every step of the way. he's slow, gentle, at first. then he’s encouraging and confident in you that you can take what he's given you. he praises you and never takes his eyes away from you even when his rhythm picks up. he never wants to forget the way his name falls from your lips like devotion, like love, even if he is assuming that's not what this is for you like it is for him. in the aftermath, clark cleans you up and holds you close. you both pretend to be sleeping, but one things for certain for clark, he’s absolutely screwed.

the second time it really hit clark that agreeing to “no strings attached” was a mistake came a few months into whatever this was between the two of you. this continued to go unlabeled, unaddressed, but started to bleed outside of the sanctity of your guys' apartments. 

you working at the planet alongside him was a blessing and curse. A blessing because you and clark could see each other every day while doing something you guys loved. if clark needed your opinion on some article he didn’t have to coordinate schedules or wait for the perfect time to call you up to ask you, he could just walk over to your desk or the dark room. if you needed the perfect shot to add to an article, you may or may not have told superman exactly where you'd be so your camera could catch him. clark never liked photos of himself as clark or as superman but you had a way of capturing him, both versions of him, in a way that made him feel seen. 

from the comfort of your apartment or his, he could hold you the way he wanted to. he now knew what it was like to wake up next to you and see the smile on your face when he'd make your favorite for breakfast. you could kiss that stupid grin off his face everytime he said a dumb joke or "golly" unironically. you could get away with stealing those band tees of his he'd never let you take before. he could take them off of you. you'd let him. all of this mixed with the years of friendship between the two of you, it didn't feel that different. if anything it felt more right to clark. like this was how it was always supposed to be. but he couldn't find the courage to tell you how he needed it to be real. so technically, despite all this, you guys were just friends.

so at work, he pretended it didn't hurt when you dropped his hand walking into the office. on the rarity that you guys did not show up to work together because he was coming from some superman business, he would very casually drop a pastry and coffee from your favorite place on your desk trying not to kiss your cheek. (sometimes he couldn’t help himself and you’d tell him “not at work”) and he tried really hard not to listen to every conversation or sigh or laugh you let out from across the room. he would play the role of the easy going best friend that was totally not in love with you.

but there was this day that he almost couldn't help himself. the days leading up he hadn't spent much time with you since he had been caught up with superman stuff. he'd missed out on your weekly movie night, and even if you guys were still "just friends" and didn't hook up every single time you spent time together, clark was feeling bad. he had no reason to especially because you always understood, but in reality he just missed you. he always did. so on this day, he strolled in a little later than his usual lateness to work with your favorite coffee and cookies from home. yes, he flew all the way to smallville that morning and back to get this for you. he even used his laser vision to heat it up again. just because.

upon walking in, he hears your voice and a chatter of excitement surrounding you as you talk to lois and cat.

"what's all this ruckus about?" clark interrupts the ladies as he comes into view, setting his surprise for you on your desk.

"clark! you're here!" your eyes lit up when you spot him and he hears your heartbeat pick up just a bit as he finds his place next you. he smiles down at you and rests a hand on the small of your back, a respectful level of course, as you settled into his side. the two of you choose to ignore the look cat and lois give each other.

"haven't you heard, clark? her latest pictures of superman are on the front page of the planet and every news outlet in the city! it's been trending for days but now it's top news!" cat animatedly explains, shoving the paper into his face.

"she's a star, kent. where have you been hiding her all these years?" lois said still smiling as clark adjusts his glasses to read over the paper.

lo and behold your pictures of him, well superman, were gracing the very front page of the newspaper. your first front page while working at the planet, and it's all over the news not just in the city but the world? it made clark's heart burst with pride for you.

"this is amazing! golly, i can't believe this!" clark does not hesitate to swoop you up into his arms and spin you around enthusiastically.

"clark! you're going to drop me!" you laughed, knowing he won't, he never does, but you tease him anyway. when he puts you down, he's still holding your waist to keep you close to him, and your cheeks are a little flushed looking up at him. you fix his askew glasses smiling up at him. he blushes too.

"why didn't you tell me?" he asked, soft and shy.

"you've been busy." you pointed out quietly. his smile dropped a little guiltily but you immediately continue. "but i wanted to. i just wanted to tell you in person."

that makes him feel better.

"i'm so proud of you." clark said, kissing your cheek quick and sweet. he couldn’t resist. but this time you didn’t protest.

"i couldn't have done it without you." you added, flushing a little. clark always had a way to be so effortlessly perfect and it made it hard for you to not adore him for all that he is.

the pair of you get locked in this trance of staring at each other, and clark realizes how easy it would be to just lean in and kiss you. to add "i love you" alongside his joy for you. gosh he wanted to. he leaned in just a fraction, just because he couldn't help himself. he heard your breath catch just a hint but then lois clears her throat, saying something about needing your help with picking out some photos you took for her article.

he parted from you reluctantly, promising that he wanted to hear more about all he had missed when you had a moment as you walked away.

if it weren't for his kryptonian genes, he's sure his heart would have exploded right about then. god was this getting difficult for him.

the third time, clark was already at his wit's end. deadlines at the planet were stacked up. superman business constantly had him tied up, figuratively and literally. his ma and pa had barely heard from him these days and were starting to worry. on top of all these things, you invaded his every thought. the only thing getting him through the days was the memory of your laugh in his head, or the way your smile was more healing for him than the brightness of a thousand yellow suns. when he closed his eyes at night, he could see everything so clearly. a farm or a bigger apartment, but with you by his side. everything there equal parts you and him, love felt in every corner. a life. a home. it was the only thing that filled the silence when you weren't with him.

the only thing more terrifying to him than not coming out of a fight was not coming home to you.

this particular night, things got ugly out there for superman. he managed to bust a metahuman gang's drug den and turn them over to the police, but not without taking some heavy beatings from them. even with his extraordinary strength, clark had been more exhausted than usual getting through this fight. when all was said and done, he knew he didn't have enough strength to get to the sanctum and being alone in his apartment was not appealing. so clark went to the one place he knew he could feel better.

you were curled up on your couch watching some old movie when you heard the thud on your balcony. your thumb cautiously hovered over clark's contact on your phone just in case it was something dangerous, only for you to go out there and it was him laying there all beat up.

"clark?" you gasped, immediately kneeling to his level, eyes scanning over all his injuries.

"sorry for the..intrusion." he groaned out, clutching his side. only this man would apologize for coming unannounced when he is all beat up.

"what happened? oh gosh, clark, are you okay?" you're so concerned and he can't help but feel his heart flutter.

"your place was closer." clark managed to say as he winced again.

without a second thought, you use all your strength (nothing in comparison to his) to lift him off the ground and inside. you help him into some clothes of his that you have, unclear if he had left them there or you'd stolen them, and lay him on your bed as you cleaned some cuts.

"what can i do? the sun won't be up for a couple hours but i think i have that sun lamp you gave me for my birthday if that would be of any help." you said softly, pressing a warm compress to his forehead. you felt useless, but clark was already feeling better.

"just...talk to me? tell me something nice." clark whispered as if it would help the pain or hide the vulnerability. "i like hearing you talk."

"okay...okay. i can do that." you tried to hide how that made you melt, and offered a barely there smile stroking his hair as you came up with a story to tell. "remember when you first started using your powers for good? you weren't quite superman yet but farmboy clark kent was starting to become a distant memory."

clark had a feeling where this story was going and the corners of his mouth slightly turned up. you took that as a sign to keep going, now holding his hand.

"we hadn't talked in awhile until you casually dropped into conversation that you fought some alien and they almost ate you. i tried to mask my worry with anger and i didn't talk to you on purpose for two weeks. that is until you showed up on my doorstep in smallville demanding that i trust you and launching us into the air."

you both laughed at that and clark squeezed his eyes shut and gripped your hand a little tighter when laughing started to hurt.

"that was the first time you flew me, even if i'd begged you for years. but i knew then that i had to trust you. i was scared. but when you brought us back to solid ground we made up and i knew you'd be okay. clark kent would never be too far away. i made you cookies, told you to be careful and you were on your way back to metropolis."

you finished the story and clark seems to have relaxed more into your sheets.

"i can always count on you." clark said sleepily, gazing at you. you smile fully and cup his cheek.

"same here, farmboy." you rub his cheek gently and kiss his nose.

you both know that the only thing to do now was rest. you'd leave the curtains open in the room so when the sun rose he could heal some more. when it seems he's drifting more into sleep, you got up to leave to sleep on the couch.

"stay with me?" clark asked, grabbing your wrist gently.

you nod and crawl into your bed beside him. he has you rest your head on his chest and wraps an arm around you despite your protests of saying it should be you holding him, but he says this is better.

it's soon that the both of you begin to fall asleep. clark used whatever strength he had to pull the blanket over both of you.

"good?" you asked, barely awake but holding him closer anyway.

"never been better." clark responded, kissing your head.

"i'm supposed to be taking care of you." you said again right before falling asleep.

"you are, you stubborn woman." clark muttered under his breath, making sure you're curled against him like he's never gonna let go. there's so much quiet affection in his words though, and in his mind clark is thinking i adore you so much it hurts.

he took another moment to just hold you. to feel the rise and fall of your breaths, the softness of your hair brushing against his face, the warmth of your body against him. clark is so gone for you, it's almost scary.

but with you here, in his arms like this, it's hard to be anything other than stupidly in love.

he knew then more than ever there was nothing he wanted more than to always come back to you. he shouldn't care this much, but he does, and if he didn't do something about it soon he was sure it'd hurt more than any beating ever could.

perry had given everyone a few weeks off after lex luthor had literally caused the city to rip in half. clark had managed to save the day, like always, but the aftermath was definitely felt by everyone. you decided to take the time to go back to smallville. you knew you could benefit from a few quiet days in your old room, your parents cooking, and the peace that came from the farm.

selfishly, you tried to convince clark to come with. you knew that he of all people could use the time. and maybe you knew that you would miss him too much otherwise.

you'd gotten used to having him around all the time. and truth be told, you were scared that being away from him would reveal to you what you already knew deep down that you and clark were never just friends.

"are you sure that you don't want to come with me? i know your parents would love to see you." you were standing outside your terminal at the airport, holding clark's hands in yours as a last ditch effort of convincing him. he looked almost too good for you to be leaving him like this. his curly hair is messy from sleep and from where you ran your hands through it just this morning. the early sunlight outside highlighting his features behind those glasses of his perfectly. it made you weak in the knees more than you'd like to admit.

clark was conflicted. he made up his mind that he'd tell you how he really felt soon. this could be it. he knows he should tell you, he knows he should go back to smallville with you, start building the life that he knows he wants with you now. but he needs to gather some thoughts. some courage, really.

"i think i should stick around. just in case lex breaks out of prison or something. or an alien decides that this is the time to take over." clark lies through his teeth. but he squeezes your hands at your frown and rests his forehead against yours. "i'm sorry. "

"that's okay. i get it. superman doesn't take vacations." you do understand, so you tried to mask your disappointment with some teasing remarks. "i'll miss you though."

your admission is maybe a little too real, a little too much for this arrangement. it hangs between you in silence a little too long.

"i'll miss you too. but i'll see you soon." clark finally managed to say back. just tell her you love her you idiot, he's telling himself.

you kiss his cheek when its finally time for you to go and he just watched you walk away.

it's only a few weeks, clark tells himself on the drive back to his place. he repeats it to himself when he gets there even when he's stood in his kitchen remembering how just yesterday he stood between your legs as he perched you up on the counter and kissed you to deflect your insistence he come back with you. he's still repeating it to himself after a few days of sleeping on the side of his bed that you always take up.

he lasts a week. a week without you, talking to you on the phone before bed closing his eyes and pretending you're there. a week of wearing shirts you stole from him because now they smell like you instead of him. a week of filling his trash can with crumpled up pieces of paper filled with different love confessions for you.

he could be in smallville in less than an hour. so he gets there in thirty minutes.

you're sitting at your parent's breakfast table when you get a text from clark to look out your window. when you do, you see him standing out in the middle of the field that separates your house and his. you don't think, you just feel your feet running you out the door.

when he sees you he lights up and as soon as you reach him you jump into his arms. it may have only been a week, but it's safe to admit that you missed him more than you realized.

"i can't believe you're here." you said into his neck, hugging him tightly.

"me either." clark squeezed you in his arms tightly before pulling his head back just enough to see your face.

when your eyes meet his, both of you at the same time are blurting words out before you realize.

"i love you." a pause, from both of you. "what? you love me?" and then a laugh. after a laugh, you guys both nod and its unclear who moves first but you're kissing. this was different than every kiss before, it wasn't dramatic, just real. sweet and perfect. like coming home.

the two of you are levitating in the air before you even realize it. you pull back just enough for air to laugh and clark kisses every part of your face and neck he can reach.

"i'm not dreaming, am i? you love me, right?" clark laughed nervously, barely taking his lips away from your skin.

"no clark, you're not dreaming." you held his face in your hands, admiring him and mentally cursing yourself for ever thinking casual was the only thing you wanted from him.

"i've wanted this. you. all of you, from the beginning. i just...golly i didn't want to ruin anything. i wanted you to be happy, to have you in any way i could." he admitted, resting his forehead against yours as the wind from this high up caused goosebumps on his skin.

"i was scared. but i'm not anymore." you quietly soothed his worries and kissed his jaw.

"i love you." clark melted once again into your touch, for the first letting himself feel all the emotions you ignite in him. "you terrify me more than anything, but you're brilliant and silly, and perfect in every way. gosh i just love you." clark pressed a kiss to your temple, willing himself to believe this is happening.

"i love you too clark. so much, more than i feel like i could explain right now." you replied, smiling as you capture his mouth with yours again. every kiss was more sure than the last, leaving more fire to build up between you. "this is real, maybe it always has been, but i wanted to pretend, i wanted to feel like casual was fine, because I wasn't ready."

one of clark's hands holds you tighter as the other grasps the back of your head to pull you in deeper. you tilted your head back to allow him to take the lead even more. you felt dizzy but in the best way, and you new it wasn't just because you were 100ft up in the air.

"and now? please promise me no more casual i don't think my heart can take it." clark pulled back for air once again but barely parting from you.

"no more casual. i promise. " you breathed back, nudging his nose happily with yours.

"good." he smiled brighter than he had yet to, and he dives back in once again.

just like that, you guys were done pretending that this was ever just friends, ever really casual. his parents watched from their window, happy that their boy finally came home and finally got the girl he'd been pining over all his life.

he caught the briefest of glimpses of you carrying some boxes into your apartment one day when he was on the way to work one morning, and he made a mental note to stop by later and introduce himself. just to be neighborly. so when he returned home and knocked on your door he truly wasn't expecting you.

you were the most beautiful thing he'd ever seen. you were a little younger than him, new to the building (obviously) and new to the neighborhood, but not new to metropolis. your smile could light up a thousand rooms (and he tried to ignore the fluttering of his heart at it). you'd moved to this building because it was a little closer to the bakery you worked at and your old building was destroyed in one of the many alien attacks (he tries not to flinch at that). he can smell the scent of fresh cookies wafting from your kitchen into the hall, and he is cursing himself for already wondering what it'd be like to be on the other side of the door.

clark can hear himself stutter a bit as he introduces himself and mentions he works as a reporter at the daily planet when you asked him what he does for work. you tell him that the planet is right around the corner from your bakery and you walk past it all the time. so not only do you live across the hall, you work near him, so at any given moment you're basically in arm's reach? oh gosh his heart is doing that fluttering thing again, clark thinks.

"i'll see you around then, clark." you said after finally giving your name, which he's never gonna forget now, and smiling again before closing your door.

from then on clark's constantly running into you in the elevator. he resists the urge to pop in to your bakery, until he can't anymore because he stopped in there one day on his way to work (just to grab a coffee and a pastry, definitely not to see you) (it's technically not even on the way) and you gave it to him free of charge. then he started going there on purpose in the mornings, and he'd buy whole boxes of baked goods to bring to work, "just being a considerate coworker, journalists can't run on coffee alone, am i right?" he tried to play off. (the pastries are delicious, but lois and jimmy are getting sick of clark forcing them to eat it all the time).

you're not oblivious to his bashfulness and the way he's constantly around now. but you find it endearing, honestly, that this tall, cute reporter is going out of his way to charm you and he doesn't even realize it. you try to make it known you're interested too by asking him if he'd want to take the train together after work. you close around the same time clark ends work, if not a little later and you're still "learning the neighborhood, wouldn't want to get lost or wrapped up in any danger" you tell him. you can perfectly handle yourself, but the way he blushes and immediately accepts has the butterflies forming in your stomach too. he tells himself and you that he's happy to commute back home with you purely so he can make sure you get back okay. no ulterior motives.

the pair of you always part ways when you reach your apartments. no move to invite the other in, yet. clark is trying really hard to be respectful, but now he knows things about you. like the sound of your laugh, how you like your coffee extra sweet and always iced, the way your eyes sparkle in the moonlight, and that when you had sugar on your face the other day and he brushed it away with his thumb he really wanted to kiss you. he shouldn't know or think this way about his neighbor.

but he does. and you do too. and you're getting a little tired of this song and dance you guys do every night, so you take matter's into your own hands. after walking home with you once again, this time holding your coat and gloves for you as you unlock your door, clark is just about to take a step back and turn to go inside his apartment.

"clark." your voice stops him. he turns back toward you, trying really hard to not get nervous that you're standing much closer than he realized.

"yes?" he manages to croak out, loosening his tie because suddenly he's feeling hot. have your lips always been this glossy?

"do you wanna come in?" you ask, biting your lip just a little but still smiling up at him. a glint in your eye that he can't seem to resist.

"i'd love to." clark grins and agrees.

lucky for him, you pull him in by his tie kissing him. he kicks the door closed immediately, returning your kiss with maybe more excitement than necessary. but he has no regrets and is internally cheering that you had the guts to do what he did't and now he never has to wonder what's behind your door.