#yashunty

I think soooo. I am onto something. 

Th following expressions are strictly to get them onto paper and out of my mind.

So 1. I have already started snooping and it hasnt even been a week/it wasn’t even 24 hrs after we had “reconnected” (per se).. and as soon as I got around that phone by myself I put my print in and went through it. I am not sure what I expected but I found stuff, one of the things that stood out to me were the sending of std testing and with a girl on kik discussing going to la together. I didnt feel anything at first. I just laughed and scuffed. Of course I thought...

Anyways, the more I thought about it (which hasn't been too much due to my compartmentalization exercise ) the more off put I am by it. It kinda grosses me out and makes me just want to close off. I cannot identify exactly why and a big part of me has accepted it as an it is what it is situation. and that is how I feel about it today. I haven’t gotten to much anxiety from this whole thing but it has definitely brought thoughts. (add on: if I ask and he denies, I am leaving, if i ask and its gonna happen, I am leaving)

Nyc,misstravel boo hmu today and asked me about volunteering and that he does a toy drive, for some reason this made me smile inside, it felt different and genuine. I had been significantly less chatty since going out last friday and when I told him I know longer wanted him to come visit me, I could audibly tell he was upset by it.  and this made me think about how i feel towards shawn and idk.. definitely not like this and for many reasons. 

On the way home I thought about if I went over his house and with the thought came slight dread and dismay. It seems.. boring. ..lonely.. boring..same old same old. When passing Josephine’s the other day- it too brought on a head turn.. “I really actually don’t like it in there”, I thought to myself.  Then I thought about waking up there, No. No. No. How boring, it is the same shit every time. Then I though about the things we used to do here, they were the same cycle of the same activities. Since he has made comments of staying here etc etc, I have given it a little thought and I am disgusted. I do not want to stay here in the slightest, especially for him. I don’t want any part to be a part of that life. I like who I am, I like where I am and I like where I am going. SO NO. After that initial thought, I began to retrace my steps to that place where I was miserable and YES I WAS MISERABLE, but MISERABLE. Here’s some reasons why: 

1. I felt like an object, just there. 

2. I wasn’t allowed to have feelings/ there was no safe space of expression or I would get scuffed at or minimized, consistently. 

3. I felt as though I was in a golden cage, everyone around me thought everything was perfect, I even thought everything was perfect. The smallest hint at my unhappiness was followed by a million comments on what I have and how I have been helped. and Yes, I was very blessed but whats a big beautiful home if its empty inside. 

4.His stinginess and my lack of freedom, with my allowance being taken. I had to ask for money and of course, always needed an excuse for it. I no longer financial freedom, I couldn't really save and I lied about the amount of money I did make. Now that I am thinking about it, it even makes me more upset that I was asked to work less in order to spend more time with him but in return got nothing but headaches, paranoia and criticism. 

5. I have no interest in his life. I do not want to be him ever- again, happy in career but poor in friendship, love, and life.

6. I could not trust him and cannot even if i wanted to

I cannot fathom nor would even forgive myself if I went back to this. I know what I deserve and it is levels above this and the best part, I know it is waiting for me to uncover it. I love myself. I love my life and I am not changing it for anybody. 

With that being said, I am allowing this door to be in my life only in the present and I cherish the undeniable connection between us but I WILL NOT allow him to bring upon these detrimental and terrible components to my life. Get away from me, If you ain’t glowing or growing you dying. and we can’t be together if you dead.

 WITH ALL THIS BEING SAID LETS GET THESE LASHES DONE ANS THIS A ON THE FRENCH TEST N THIS B ON THE 10 PG PAPER N AN A ON MY OTHER PAPERS YA BISHHHH. THEN WE GONNA CHIILLL SHAWTY N THEN WE OFFFF TO NYC AND WE GLOW GLOW GLOOO.

Dec.7.2017 

Also, monogamy is strictly reserved for a sponsor to every element of my life. Sorry not sorry.