#xsolo

but fall is beginning and it’s easy to call it a cold — it’s not a complete lie. she does feel cold, just not in the conventional way. she’s stuffing her towel in her gym bag, languidly packing up when she notices her phone light up. her hopes don’t peak, she doesn’t expect a certain someone to call. not now, not anymore. but there is a certain someone else who occupies her apartment more than he had and it’s exactly that person who called.

cassie’s words have the tendency to sound more like a decree than a suggestion, but tiffany’s not feeling open to it either way when her sister says, “don’t come home tonight.”

“ryan’s not in korea right now, is he? because if he is and that’s why you’re kicking me out of my apartment, first of all gross and second of all, like i said it’s my apartment!”

“why does your mind have to go there?”

“i don’t know. why are you kicking me out of my apartment for the night?”

“can’t you let me finish talking? why do you like the sound of your voice so much?”

“because my sister is the same way and i learned from her.”

“brat.”

“you didn’t flood my apartment and you’re trying to fix everything before i come back, right?”

“if i flooded your apartment, do you think i would stay here with emily?”

“i would hope not.”

tiffany could practically hear her sister’s eyes rolling and there’s a faint smile on her lips. things almost feel normal. she almost feels more than just fine. “there’s a car waiting outside for you.”

“you’re creeping me out.”

“i texted you the license plate number, do you feel better?”

“no … ”

“just go get in the car!”

“oh my god, i still have to go downstairs!”

“oh … why didn’t you say so?” speaking of too alike, tiffany knows a hwang scheme when she sees one. her sister might be a luo now but she knows that cassie is still a hwang at heart. “okay, be a good girl and go downstairs! hurry, the driver’s been waiting for you!”

“i— oh, okay. well, bye to you too,” she grumbles, slipping the phone from her shoulder as she gives her bag one last zip with a loud sigh. there’s no end to her mumbling about how rude her own sister is to hang up on her like that after making casual demands as if she didn’t have a long day of training — not that tiffany was the most energetic today — and she only pauses when she opens the text. the license number is familiar … as soon as she sees a car outside of kt, she knows.

“hyunshik?”

closing the door behind her, bag slipped into the backseat, she clicks her seatbelt in place while asking, “you’re not working tonight?” he hums in response and she also knows better than to expect much more when it seems he’s been dragged into whatever plans her sister has. at least this means it can’t be the first option and she’s more than thankful for that as much as she loves her brother-in-law.

“you’re not going to tell me a single damn thing, are you?” this time, he actually laughs and her brows lift. “wow, someone’s in a good mood. did my sister promise to set you up with one of her friends? i’ve got some bad news for you ~ most of them are married too.”

tiffany only receives a scoff and she manages a small smile as she leans forward, fiddling with the ac and radio controls only to have her hand smacked away. her sister’s a stickler for detail and it hadn’t slipped tiffany’s notice the kind of songs playing as he drives on. girl power songs, strong, independent woman songs — break-up songs about moving on and moving up and tiffany thinks she’d appreciate it if she was at that point already. but, for once, she’s allowing herself a small dose of sadness each day. a small dose, as if it’ll help her withstand it and build up immunity when it’s bound to become her weakness if she doesn’t do something soon.  

fingertips tap idly against the car door as she leans back, making herself comfortable but it’s not long before the car stops. a halt so gentle that tiffany doesn’t realize at first until he undoes her seatbelt for her, “go inside. you’ll know when you see.”

“hm?” but she doesn’t have to go inside to know what the place he’s brought her to is: a karaoke place. her eyes glaze over and she thinks that the last thing she wants to do issing after practice all day. “can’t you just take me home?”

“a deal’s a deal.”

“i didn’t make a deal.”

“why’d you get in the car?”

a part of her wants to childishly point out that she was told to by her older sister and she very well can’t say no too often to her sister given her condition, but there’s a part of her that calls out more, that practically screams that she needs whatever is going to happen. because even if she doesn’t know what cassie’s plans are, she knows that her sister only wants the best for her, only wants to help her. it’s just a matter of accepting said help and, for once, tiffany doesn’t want to fight it. that’s what cassie was hoping for: that tiffany had grown this much and hwang miyoung doesn’t disappoint in the end.

all while huffing, she still grabs her bag and gets out of the car with a salute, “yes, sir!” she could blame jongdae for that later, smugly grinning at how hyunshik grimaces. everyone who knew him knows that he hated serving his time. however it showed his dedication to his country, it didn’t suit him.

adjusting the strap over her shoulder, she sighs again, foot kicking at the gravel along the side of the road just before she takes a step closer and finally another and another right into the shop. the last person she expected to be there waiting for her was her sister herself. “hey! where’s emily?”

“with her uncle cheolwoo. he volunteered.” they both struggle to ignore the cruel joke to be made about how cheolwoo is more willing than emily’s actual uncle but they all had their reasons at the time. “let’s go!”

“can you … ” tiffany’s gaze drops and she points at the growing bump of her sister’s stomach, to which cassie smacks her hand. “ouch!”

“i’m pregnant, steph. that doesn’t mean i can’t go out!”

“but it’s late … ”

cassie shrugs it off as if it’s nothing, as if it’s nothing that her sister is destined for a life of late nights from now on if she continues down this road; living a life where even if they’re finally in the same country for a while, tiffany can’t be around nearly as much as either of them would want.

“it’s never too late.”

for once, tiffany truly doesn’t know what her sister means.

the next two hours go by in a flash for cassie but, to tiffany, everything feels as if it’s in slow-motion. the poison is settling in and she’s pretending not to feel a thing. it’s just that cassie is terrified of; when tiffany is numb, cassie can’t stand it.

“you choose a song this time.” “i’ve chosen some of the songs!” “mm hm,” the skepticism drips from her voice and tiffany stifles yet another sigh. “i love this s— oh—”

cassie rests a hand over her lower stomach and there’s a flicker of panic in tiffany’s eyes. her sister is the perfect picture of serenity once whatever it is subsides and tiffany is baffled.

“is that normal?”

“i’m just feeling a little gassy.”

“oh my god.” the abbreviation tmi might as well be written on her forehead, only making cassie laugh hard as she gets up. “you sing this song for me, i’m going to be a while.”

“oh, gross.”

“it’s only human ~ ”

“stop, stop, stop!” cassie’s laughter trickles out the door and follows her into the hallway and tiffany’s grip loosens around the mic. as empowering as thank you very much by bestie can be, she knows she can’t do the song justice in her mood and it’s what cassie was referring to, as much as tiffany would prefer to deny it.

she thumbs through the singing list although she knows it well. cassie’d chosen one of the noraebangs that tiffany went to the most a few years ago. now, it felt like she rarely went. how often does a trainee get to? how often does a trainee want to? it’s a ploy, it must be and, while she doesn’t want to willingly fall for it, there’s a song that she’s drawn to.

a song she has to sing.

that’s what she thought, until the music starts and she’s barely able to open her mouth.

(     ♫, as i forgot about you who doesn’t love me           i live doing everything that i wanted to do.           i can’t erase you from my mind,       why        )  

she wants to, she wants to erase him from her mind. the idea alone is such a lie she can’t fathom it. so much for more honesty. there’s no way she could, there’s no way she’d really want to, so why, why does she have to feel like this? if she could hate him, it’d be easier.

(      ♫, who are you to make me pitiful       if i cursed you out, i would’ve at least felt better       why, why did you leave me without saying anything?     )  

if he’d been more of an asshole, it’d be easier. if he’d actually done something, it’d be easier. but it’s the way they grew distant, the way they faded to nothing that hurts more.

(      ♫, i’m not ready to break up,           wait a minute, waiting is too long, has no limit           i keep calling for you, but you don’t answer           only      —       echoes       —      come back to me      )  

the words barely make it past her tongue. the only thing that flows as freely as the melody are her tears and cassie leans her head against the door, eyes clenched shut as she listens to her baby sister stifle her sobs.

cassie did know best: tiffany didn’t need to curse bobby out, she needed to cry.

what she didn’t expect is for the song to start up again and this time tiffany sang through the end. this time, cassie couldn’t stay outside the room, not when tiffany’s tell me what is love sounds more like a desperate question than a lyric. her voice cracks, it’s unstable,shaky — she breaks, a crack in her armor, but at least her sister is there to hold the pieces together.

she laughs, shaking her head and it doesn’t sound so forced for a moment. the silence that follows isn’t forced and she’s thankful for it, humming softly as they look around. there’s so many people around that she doesn’t know what to say or do in the moment. it’s the main reason she didn’t want to go on a weekend in general but a promise is a promise and this is a very special exception. a worthy cause. 

“he told me, you know.” 

“hm?” 

“that you wished him happy birthday.” 

tiffany doesn’t say a thing but she nods, mouth forming an ‘o’ as she does so. none of it surprises her, really: to know that he still speaks to jayce. she met him and his fiance because of jayce after all. 

“he’s living with his girlfriend now,” now this detail tiffany wonders why he’s telling her but it quickly makes sense. “you . . . you’re living happily too, right?” there’s a smile on her lips and even if it’s been years since he was last in seoul, since he last saw her, he recognizes that smile. it’s the same one he saw over six years ago. 

“i’m trying.” 

the answer is more honest than he’s used to, especially when he thinks of how she was back then and he’s torn between being concerned and impressed. he doesn’t have much of a choice when it’s tiffany’s turn to get ready on stage, her turn on the open mic finally here and it’s perfect timing. his fiance just spotted tiffany. 

with every passing moment thoughts of you run through my head every time that i'm near you i realize that you're heaven sent 

there’s a different kind of proposal meant for today and she’s glad she’s a part of it once again. it’s not as obvious this time, no ring, no bending down on one knee, which tiffany joked was a shame, because ‘it’s for the crowd! get them all riled up!’ but then again, the song isn’t the kind that one should be getting riled up over. 

i think you're truly something special just what my dreams are really made of let's stay together you and me boy there's no one like you around oh, baby 

watching her friend, tiffany knows she’s looking for the one behind all this. because tiffany didn’t say much ( she never really does ) but meeting the younger revealed enough to know that she wouldn’t be meeting the guy she’d been told so much about in the last few months. since jayce, she hadn’t seen tiffany this lovesick. now, she just seems ill in another sense. one that seems too familiar. 

i really like what you've done to me i can't really explain it, i'm so into you 

he finds her first, approaches her first, and tiffany’s trying her best to stay focused even when her eyes don’t leave her two friends. the way they look so in love and guilt strikes her in the harshest way, a reminder that again she isn’t meant to be here alone and she knows that she doesn’t want to be. 

lithe fingers strum the guitar and she can only think of the last time she played for him, a song that suits this moment just as much. a song she should be singing for him and yet she’s not. she’s not saying anything at all and that’s her greatest downfall. 

she’s spiraling down as her friends reach a new high the moment one offers the other a brand new key. this time, it’s his proposal, a home when they’d been going back and forth over the decision. korea or california. seoul or san francisco. this moment gives them an answer and it’s then tiffany realizes what matters most is staying together. if only she was so brave. 

déjà vu. that’s the best way to put it. it’s back to black, back to the basics and tiffany think it’s ironic. the timing. the first time had been for dream high and then the gayo performances. now it was for the commercial filming and photoshoot. her saving grace, her true solace in this, is that jihyun is in her team. kibum and junhong too. she’s blessed. her entire group comprised of people she not only likes and works well with but her friends.

but no matter what, it doesn’t save her from having to dye her hair again. even that, tiffany tries to make the best of. jessica and jennie, her beloved cousins, making the process bearable. it was one thing to dye her hair every once in a while but it hadn’t been that long, at least in her standards to preserve her hair, since she last lightened it. the change wasn’t drastic but in the time when tiffany felt like she was beginning to change, when she was too attached— toodramatic, honestly — to the concept of her hair representing that; the equivalent of “new hair, new me.” as if she can’t have that, not in this moment when everything’s chaotic at home, it’s back to the past and she knows that it couldn’t be more true.

the situation with leo brings up everyone’s old scars, cassie’s the most. for her, it’s more about her future and she tries to tell herself it means nothing— that black’s a classic.

“What do you think he will bring back this time?” He asked out loud in the silent room, rolling his head to look over at Liza who was currently curled up in Kali’s spot. She just blinked at him before falling back in a pretense sleep clearly not in the mood for conversation. So Ender kept talking, this time to himself. “As long as it’s not another dinosaur, I’ll be okay with whatever it is.” Though honestly Ender didn’t even mind the dinosaur at times now that he had gotten used to the idea that it was something that was apparent his life. When they had shared a small flat in London, Greyson had brought home all kinds of animals to the point that when there wasn’t something small and wild living there, it felt well... off. It was one of the many reasons he loved the younger boy; the way he was so open and loving to any animal in need. People may come hard to understand for Greyson but if he saw an animal that needed him there wasn’t anything he wouldn’t do to help them. 

Maybe that’s why he was drawn to Ender. The drunken demigod had just been a broken man when they met, hiding behind his haze of drugs and pretty words but still Greyson had seen something inside him that caused him to fall for him. Twice. Ender knew that he had to have done something right in his past life to get Greyson Darcy to fall in love with him because there was no way in this life he had done anything to deserve the love and kindness the younger gave him every day. 

Between sleeping and scrolling his phone, time passed by fairly quickly as he waited in Greyson’s room and soon starlight was filtering in through the windows. Sitting up in the bed, he grabbed the first thing he could find - a shirt and a pair of sweats that were both Greyon’s and a bit too small on him - and filtered out of the room himself. At first he just stuck his head out of the room and listened curious to see what voices he could pick out behind the walls. Liam’s voice and Dean’s were the first ones he could hear and-- well weren’t they on the quest as well? It wasn’t unusual for Greyson to go off on his own during quests or come back at different times than the others, so Ender just closed the door and lied back in the bed. This time he was joined with a glass of wine to help settle the butterflies that were starting to flutter around in his gut. It was excitement of seeing Greyson again, that’s all. There was nothing to be worried about; it was normal to miss your husband when he was away. 

Hours passed by and the bottle of wine Ender had pulled out to share with his husband when he returned home was slowly beginning to become more empty as the time passed. About the halfway point, Ender had placed an order for a pizza and had gone to pick it up thinking that of course Greyson would be starved when he came back from a quest. He even included the disgusting olives on them just because he knew that they were his husband’s favorite. Wine, pizza, semi naked Ender, it was the perfect ‘welcome back from surviving another quest’ greeting but all that was missing was the tattooed man it was for. 

More time passed, the ticking of his watch only aggravating him more and more with every second that went by. The excitement that had been building up in his stomach was now turning to worry that maybe something had been wrong; perhaps he had been injured and was in the infirmary. Two bottles of wine gone now, he threw on a jacket not caring how he looked and stormed out of Mageia all the way to the infirmary. There had been curious glances shot his way but he ignored them fully knowing he probably looked more insane that he tended to normally appear. Throwing open the doors when he got to his destination, he paused not seeing the familiar mop of curls lying in a bed. 

He wasn’t there. He wasn’t hurt in the infirmary, he wasn’t in his room in Mageia-- 

Where the fuck was his husband? 

“You need to be more careful on quests. Because if you didn’t come back….” 

The butterflies of excitement had turned into a hurricane of fear as the slow realization kicked in. No, Greyson wasn’t in the infirmary hurt, nor was he in his room in Mageia or with Kali and Cera in the woods because-- 

Because Greyson wasn’t coming back. 

Vision going blurry, he turned and ran and ran, not stopping until he was by the lake. Knees hitting the grass he finally let the tears fall down his cheeks as he stared at the water in front of him. 

“I’ll be right here with you.” His heart was cracking in his chest in an all too familiar way but for once he didn’t care if he died again or not. There was only one possible solution why Greyson wasn’t there, why he hadn’t come back from the quest with the others hours before. The weight of the ring on his finger felt heavy and he clutched that hand to his chest with a fist as he sobbed, letting the sorrow flow through him as he just stared at that water. 

“So if all you want to be is those things, just the party guy, the drugs guy to everyone here then you go ahead and be that but that’s not who I love.”

He loved him. Greyson Darcy had loved him and now he was gone, ripped from this world--from him at too young of an age. Ender finally understood why Romeo had taken the poison when he discovered Juliet dead, or why Antony stabbed himself when he thought he had lost his Cleopatra. 

This time not even booze could fix him; the love of his life was gone and Ender was now alone.