CALL ME ON YOUR CELL PHONE, LATE NIGHT WHEN YOU NEED MY LOVE ⍠                 (  &&.   WORDS NEVER MEANT TO BE RECOVERED  â  )
                                  ( 160926* )
she still hasnât asked. she knows and he knows that the question is there. it lingers, hovers, looms over their heads but tiffany smiles and pretends instead. once upon a time ( and not so long ago ), she started to believe she wonât have to do that anymore, pretend. somehow, sheâd forgotten that fairytales are just make-believe and she doesnât know whoâs to blame when she already gave up on fables years ago. too much hope, she tells herself, and, as she looks at leo over skype, she also thinks thereâs also not enough.Â
why didnât you go home?
is something wrong?Â
âare you happy, oppa?âÂ
                                   ( 161001 )
âi thought you guys were doing fine.âÂ
âwe are. itâs just . . . different.âÂ
âyou couldnât have expected better when you turned him down.âÂ
âi didnât turn him downââ a lie. âi told him not . . . right now.â thereâs a difference, right? right. ivory sinks into a plush tier and she toys with the hem of her sweater, loose ends that taunt her and the risks too daunting.Â
âthen what are you worrying about?âÂ
she grumbles, displeasedâ with herself or with cassie, thereâs no telling. âi didnât say iâm worried.â
âyou didnât have to. just talk to him about it.âÂ
âthereâs no but, steph. arenât you tired of this? you keep denying everything when it comes to getting in too deep,â she says it, air quotation marks and all. âyou did it all the time with byunghun and look where that got you.âÂ
itâs the first time cassie has thrown it in her face so directly, but above all itâs the first time tiffany thought maybe she shouldnât go to her sister for everything. maybe, patience has finally run out.Â
                                   ( 161008 )
âyouâre so quiet.â her response is nothing but a soft hum and cassieâs annoyance rings in her voice. âthatâs your queue to speak, steph.âÂ
âi donât have anything to say.âÂ
âyou always have something to say. why arenât you telling me anything?âÂ
but itâs tiffany who should be asking that. because itâs obvious leo and cassie have a secret theyâre not telling her and itâs more than whatâs going on with their father. itâs obvious her two older siblings are fighting.Â
itâs obvious sheâs not supposed to ask but she so desperately wants to.Â
itâs obvious itâs something that canât be easily fixed or talked about.Â
itâs obvious that thereâs nothing tiffany can do when sheâs so far away and thatâs what she hates about it the most.Â
âi donât have anything to tell.â and neither do you.Â
                                  ( 161017 )
sheâs so certain sheâs figured it out when she talks to tiffany next. âyouâre not going to tell him, are you?âÂ
âthat you want to be with him.âÂ
âi am with him.â quite literally too. bobbyâs just in the next room over and prince is barking at him as per usual for attention. it didnât feel like too long ago that prince used to bark at bobby for being a âstranger,â an intruder. she almost forgets that itâs been well over a year.Â
âbut youâre not going to wear his ring.âÂ
she doesnât answer and cassie takes it as sheâs right. therein lies the problem.Â
the truth is that cassie always thinks sheâs right. her plans, her morals, her beliefs as one of the siblings that has remained religious. leo and tiffany seem like they couldnât care less, at least compared to when they were all younger. this time, tiffany doesnât have the energy to correct her.Â
âyeah,â she lies, because it seems to be the new in thing for the three of them.Â
but her and bobby are more than fine. awkwardness never lasts for long and distance is never truly exists between them. theyâre more than fine. what cassie thinks is exactly what tiffany isnât going to do. she swears by this time next month, she will be wearing that ring. what cassie thinks be damned.Â
                                  ( 161023 )
"whatâs wrong, sweetheart?âÂ
âhm? ohâ nothing, dad. iâm sorry. i was just . . . âÂ
âzoning out? or as you used to call it, daydreaming.âÂ
she laughs at the memory of what once was. it was her favorite excuse when she was in high school. her mother teased her for it and her father scolded her but she knew they both smiled at the same time, a small, amused one to themselves. one of her favorite smiles in exchange for a favorite phrase. whatâs not to like about it?Â
âare you worried about your brother and sister?âÂ
a misconception, at bestâ that being the youngest meant she was the most worried about, and not the one that worries. because sheâs the youngest, the baby, everything is kept from her. shielded, shelteredâ secrets without a single truth in sight at times.Â
all it does is leave pressure on them. pressure to be perfect. pressure to be happy. pressure to pretend.Â
âtheyâll work things out. they always do.â he seems so sure, so at peace and tiffanyâs happy to see him smiling so effortlessly.Â
she shifts, makes herself more comfortable on her bed, prince rests his paws against her side and she stifles a laugh at how ticklish she is even at the smallest touch. âso whatâs her name?âÂ
itâs been years since tiffany saw her father blush and she swears, she absolutely swears, heâs a little nervous. her father, the ruthless lawyer with an impeccable record, even though heâs retired from the law, is actually nervous. years since he blushed and even longer since she thought he was being adorable. she almost forgot how endearing her father can be.Â
âher name, appa,â she chuckles, absent-mindedly fixing her bangs, casual as can be, switching to korean if only to tease him. âwhatâs her name?âÂ
âiâ who told you, honey?âÂ
âno one. the last time i was home, i saw her name on your phone. i wasnât snooping, i swear!â but his scolding glare says he believes otherwise. âpromise, dad! but a good night text isnât so platonic that late. i hope youâre being safe.â he sputters and she hides herself behind a pillow, as if there isnât thousand of miles between them. âanyway, her name.âÂ
âoh my god, dad. youâre dating the black widow and you didnât tell me sooner?âÂ
âokay, okay i was just kidding. but . . . iâm happy for you.â he smiles and itâs another thing she hasnât seen in a while. that kind of carefree smile. itâs been over six years. since her mother passed. âsheâd be happy for you too.âÂ
                                  ( 161030 )
"any halloween plans?âÂ
she shrugs, vaguely mentioning elysium and most certainly deliberately not mentioning that bobby is going with her. even if leo seemed to be calmer about him since he came to visit â which tiffany still doesnât know the reason for â she didnât think letting her brother know that she spends even more time than he got to witness for himself with bobby.Â
âhowâs your girlfriend?âÂ
âwhy does my baby sis sound jealous, huh?âÂ
âiâm the only one who hasnât met her! of course iâm jealous,â she rolls her eyes. âif thatâs what you want to call it.âÂ
âcome visit and you can meet her.âÂ
itâs words that only draw a sigh out of her and he knows why. his last visit also gave him a clear view of how busy her schedule is, how little she sleeps. everything sheâs unable to do. even groceries he realized cheolwoo helps her out with from time to time, keeping her refrigerator stocked, which heâs both proud of and grateful for.Â
âokay, iâll come visit you.âÂ
âand take her with you? ooh, are you that smitten oppa?âÂ
âshe does want to go to seoul one day.âÂ
âare you really going to bring her?âÂ
the look in his eyes tells her no. she knows her brother too well to think heâs that easily committed, that willing to let his girlfriend so fully into his life. thereâs a reason she hasnât met the girlfriend yet, even through skype or facetime.Â
âdo you really like her?âÂ
itâs the same question she didnât have to ask her father and in some weird twisted way itâs funny. their father who lost the love of his life is more open to dating than two of his own children.Â
âdo you like bobby?âÂ
sheâs caught off-guard. a question she never expected him to ask and sheâs smiling before she nods, slowly but itâs a definite yes.Â
âi might be falling for him.âÂ
                                   ( 161116 )
âis what weird?â she hums softly as she pets chocolat, gesturing for the mastiff to come closer until the dog settles at her feet.Â
âthe merger. working in the same building as all those other trainees. your friends. jihyun. bobby.âÂ
her sister still doesnât know and tiffanyâs unsure why she hasnât said a word. that bobbyâs not just bobby but her boyfriend. the ring on her finger isnât easily visible through facetime and tiffany shrugs it off.Â
âweâve always known it was going to be like this if it came to it. we did fine on the mgas.âÂ
âbut you werenât at the same place everyday.âÂ
âand weâre still not,â tiffany insists, her nose crinkling in annoyance at the thought. maybe she was too resistant to change but it was such a drastic change. how could she not be irritated to some extent? âwe only have to go two days a week so i . . . only go when i have to.âÂ
their conversations are so forced now, distant and tiffanyâs never truly felt the physical distance between them until now. at least in this way. tinges of guilt and regret eat away at her whenever she thinks of how much emily is growing, how much she doesnât get to see and be there for. but this? this distance is different. itâs resent and she canât tell who seems more bitter, her or cassie.Â
âi have to go get ready for bed now.âÂ
                                   ( 161116 )
                                 * later that day
âjust break up with her.âÂ
âi donât want to.âÂ
âi didnât ask you if you wanted to but you should.âÂ
âcassie, iâm getting tired of this shit. if youâre gonna call just to yell at me, then donât bother calling.âÂ
âif i donât yell at you, are you gonna realize that what youâre doing is fucked up. whatâs wrong with you, leo? this isnât like you.âÂ
those words are a trigger and all he sees is red.Â
âmaybe you donât know me.âÂ
silence, a click, and a dialtone. the unfinal verdict.Â
                                   ( 161203 )
"are you going home for the holidays?âÂ
âi donât know yet.âÂ
a stalemate. itâs what everything is boiled down to in the moment because he knows sheâs annoyed that he has the opportunity to and wonât and she knows that heâs going through something even if he wonât say a word. but tiffany is the last person who could judge because sheâs the first that can understand. theyâre always more alike than they realize and she nods, concedes because this is her older brother. her only brother but her favorite no matter what.Â
âhow are you doing?âÂ
âgood. actuallyââ she laughs a little, laughing at her choice of words, as if itâs an unlikely outcome and there was once a time she truly believed it. âiâm really happy.âÂ
he chuckles too, just as amused because, again, if anyone could understand itâs them.Â
âdoes that mean you have news for me?âÂ
ânot anything in particular but you know i love christmas. what about you? anything to tell me?âÂ
thereâs a flicker of recognition in his eyes and he knows he set himself up for that question, a small smile on his lips as he shakes his head.Â
âhowâs your girlfriend?â this time, she almost misses it. she almost misses how his eyes dim, darken, burn with guilt even as he says, âsheâs good, weâre good.â and another almost is how convincing he is. she almost believes him.Â
                                    ( 170108 )
"oppa, whatâs wrong?â itâs the middle of training when he first calls. 5Â missed calls and heâs still awake once she can call back.Â
shaky breaths and sheâs terrified. he never sounds like this. even at the funeral, she remembers leo being the strongest one. he held her hand, squeezed it, comforted her, told her that everything will be okay and those words are stuck in her throat as she listens to what sheâs so certain is her brother crying.Â
heâs devastated and she canât figure out why.Â
heâs hurt and she canât be there to do what heâs done for her since she was a child.Â
nothing has said and she spends her entire dinner listening to him do his best to steady his breathing. sheâs a few minutes late but she canât leave, she canât even move from where sheâs sitting, not until he abruptly tells her he has to go. no explanation, no goodbye, just another click and a dialtone, what her father said is the new norm for her two siblings when they talk to each other.Â
she doesnât understand until itâs too late.Â
                                   ( 170127 )
"you really donât know whatâs going on with him?â or with you.Â
âno, and you shouldnât be asking.âÂ
âjust donât, steph.âÂ
âno, you canât just shut me out of this. youâve both been acting weird and youâre being jerks by acting like it doesnât affect the rest of us but it does. dadâs finally happy and youâre bringing him down with all this fighting. donât deny that either, i swear, cassie. donât you dare.âÂ
âwell, tell me how you really feel.âÂ
âif i did that, iâd be calling you guys something much worse than jerks for being like this.âÂ
âyou donât understand.âÂ
âof course i donât. you guys arenât telling me anything!âÂ
in this moment when her sister was the one she shouldâve believed, tiffany didnât. it wouldnât be too long that sheâd realize why cassie couldnât, that the redness of her sisterâs eyes wasnât exhaustion from raising a toddler.Â
sheâd understand why her sisterâs heart was broken.Â
                                   ( 170209 )
tiffany does her best not to cry when she knows anytime soon bobby will walk through the door. cassie doesnât have to speak for tiffany to read between the lines. the this is why i didnât want to tell you is written all over her face and she feels numb. she wishes she really was.Â
âare they really doing it?â and thereâs the question that could kill her. the question that reveals all, of how for the first time in her life, her brother has broken her heart.Â
does leo really want her to get an abortion?
does he really not want his own child?