Johnny’s eyes listed to the side to watch her again. The cab flickered in amber hues as they passed under streetlights, illuminating Devi just long enough to see her features properly. She looked so happy, just like before. He wanted more than anything to keep her smiling like that.

The car took a turn and the lighting changed dramatically, suddenly bright with an assortment of popping colors. The abrupt change was enough for Johnny to move his attention back to the road to inspect their surroundings. 

“I’ve been meaning to bring you here.” Devi slowed the car while she looked for parking. “I can’t believe I haven’t yet. Tenna took me here when I was in the thick of it with Sickness, and we’ve been a few times since.”

They were in an Asian district of the city, surrounded by buildings that boasted blinding neon signs adorned in kanji and hangul, and happy waving mascots . Even though it was nearing midnight, there were still plenty of people in the windows of the buildings they drove by, eating and drinking in large groups. Johnny slanted his mouth to the side and debated if it would be rude to ask Devi to take their food to go.

“It’s an interesting lil’ hole-in-the-wall, totally automated.”

“Automated?” Johnny put a finger to his lip.

“Yeah, like literally no one talks to you. You just push a button to order and it comes out on a little robot guy.” She grinned at him jovially, and Johnny’s teeth poked out in curiosity over the concept of robotic waitstaff. Perhaps dining-in wouldn’t be too horrible.

Devi parked along the curb and exited the car to meet Johnny on the sidewalk. She pointed to the building on the opposite corner.

“That one.” She smiled, hoping he would find the name amusing.

“...EAT or DIE?” Johnny asked. 

“Makes the options easier, don’t you think?” Devi laughed, and Johnny nodded along while he surveyed the area. 

There was a nagging feeling he had been here before, but couldn’t imagine why—he very rarely went out to eat, and if he did, it would be close to his house, not clear on the other side of the city. Despite that, the street seemed vaguely familiar…

His focus trained on a parking lot down the road, and a sudden pulse of anxiety panged throughout his chest. He was here before, halfway through his “spiritual journey”. While he wasn’t ready to return home yet, he had run into a small issue, and was forced to come back for a short time.

A few months into his aimless travels, his already measly funds had run out and he needed to find a way to obtain money. Taped to a crosswalk pole was an advertisement for a psychiatric clinic, offering paid compensation for clinical trials in a sleep study. It seemed like a potential opportunity to dive into the bowels of his tortured mind, but in the end was just a boring bunch of speculation. The lady doctor was very interested in listening to him talk about his “dreams”, and he did love to talk about himself, but overall the study was dull and not at all the deep dive he was expecting. The only saving grace was that it did line his pockets with some extra cash.

One night after leaving the clinic, he was wandering the city streets without much purpose, when he heard a woman scream. Johnny looked over and was shocked to see that said woman was… Devi. 

With Tenna. 

Jeezus, that girl she was with that night was Tenna, Johnny thought now, in horror. Why did he not realize it after meeting her!? He was just so caught up in the moment, the person Devi was with hadn’t mattered at all!

Devi had been crouched on the hood of her car, yelling at someone, and Johnny was immediately murderous on her behalf. He decided to stay close by, in case there was some bigger issue at hand. Against his promises to forget her, to give her his “nothing”, he followed behind her car with his all the way to her new apartment building, and stole away into the alley to follow Devi’s shape as she walked past windows.

Johnny saw them enter an apartment, and he waited, listening for any further sounds of an argument or otherwise unfriendly conversation. He froze, in aching terror, when the blinds parted enough for a pair of eyes to peek out, a pair of eyes that he was certain were Devi's. Even as he stared at her with all his might, she didn’t seem to notice him there, cloaked in the shadows of the alleyway. 

It made him sick to see her after so long. The nausea quickly gave way to unyielding panic, and he elected then that he needed to leave, urgently. He decided to spare this unknown person the fate of being kidnapped and tortured for the crime of annoying Devi, and left.

That didn’t stop him from coming back to stare at Devi’s window every night for the next week, though, now that he knew where it was. It made him very unwell, knowing she was in there and he could never go and see her again, could never talk to her again. 

It got to the point that he nearly beat his own forehead in with a discarded hubcap, and after berating himself and his poor choices, he finally drove out of the city for the high desert. Attempting to stay true to his word, never returned to her apartment after that… until he was compelled to warn her about Sickness.

Oh, God. Did Devi know that? 

Did she actually see him down there and just feigned ignorance? If she found out now, would it ruin the evening? He cursed his past-self for being weak and stalking her, and he cursed his present-self for not having the gumption to admit to it now.

“Johnny?” Devi tilted her head into his line of sight, and Johnny jumped.

“Sssssorry!” He hurried, trying to think of a lie. “I… I thought I saw a mongoose over there.”

Devi turned to look down the street and then back to him with a questioning smile.

“Well, there is an exotic animal shop nearby… Wouldn’t be too surprised if there were a couple of renegade invasive mammals running around.”

Johnny breathed a laugh and nodded, happy his lie held even a little water. He would tell her the truth just… not tonight. He would confess to the bludgeoning earlier too, if the divine would kindly not sabotage his night, he swore he would. 

“C’mon already, I’m starving!” She pulled him towards the door. “And their cashew chicken is sooo good!” 

–

Devi smirked at Johnny while he crouched low on their table to stare at the stout little robot waiter that emerged from the kitchen doors. His irises followed it curiously as it rolled across the restaurant to where they were seated, a tray of food balanced on its flat head, making a pleasant little doop doop doop electric sound all the while. 

It stopped next to them and the top of its head inched upward by an internal tube until it was level with the table, then tilted abruptly at an angle to toss the tray up. The dishes clanged and clattered against the metal that slapped down in front of them, but miraculously nothing spilled.

“Thank you! Enjoy your meal.” The robo-waiter said. “OR DIE!” 

Johnny lurched over the side of the table to glower as the mechanical creature rolled away and back into the kitchen, earning a snicker from Devi. He was like a damn cat.

“Neat, huh?” She grinned and took her plate from the tray between them. Johnny sat back up properly, then looked down to the food with a wary expression. He wondered if automated Chinese food had any kind of nanobots or other unsavory things in it.

In spite of his suspicions, Johnny slid his plate of spicy noodles closer without a word. He poked a fork into the viscous lump of red goo and chili flakes, and stirred it noncommittally. The restaurant was empty, aside from himself and Devi, and while he was thankful to not have to listen to anyone else slurping and chewing and yammering on incoherently, he also felt cornered, somehow. 

There wasn’t a sound at all in the place, not even music, and he could feel Devi looking at him. She hadn’t taken a bite yet either, and he wondered if she knew something about the food that he didn’t.

Johnny lifted his head to peek at her, and found that Devi’s stare seemed strangely vulnerable; it felt longing, almost sad. 

His stomach dropped – had he done something in the last thirty seconds that disrupted her mood? Was it because he was poking at his dish instead of eating? Did he offend her choice of restaurants? Without another thought about it, Johnny jammed a forkful of red noodles into his mouth and looked away fretfully, hoping that would mend whatever it was he broke.

Devi squashed a laugh with a small snort. He was so awkward. 

She sighed – as much fun as she was having, now that they were face-to-face in good lighting, his timid mannerisms made her far too reminiscent of their doomed first date. Two years, and that misery still clung to her like cigarette stank on a smoker’s favorite jacket.

“Hey, Nny…” She started, then tapered off, unsure of where to go. 

They had had such a lovely time together that night, laughing and cutting up, side-by-side all evening in such a natural way, as if they were always meant to be next to each other. She loved how he spoke—long, drawn-out thoughts about any topic she brought up, most of which were filled to the teeth with poetic, scathing criticisms. She loved his twitchy, thin fingers, always flicking, trying to be polite, trying to not take up more of her space than they were invited to.

In the aftermath, she wondered if he was just antsy, trying to quell his excitement to murder her moronic ass once he got her to agree to come home with him. His shy eyes that always darted away when she caught him looking, was it all just an effort to keep her from seeing his true intentions? 

She didn’t think that was true anymore, having seen Johnny up close and personal now, but still… it ate away at her. She hadn’t been able to watch Brazil since. 

“I need to ask you something.” Devi said finally. 

Johnny swallowed another bite of noodles prematurely, anxious to respond.

“Yes?”

“I, uh… On our date before… did you, I mean… did you always…” She made a frustrated noise in the back of her throat. She hated this. 

Screw it, there was no way to sugarcoat a question like this. Best to just say it plainly.

“Did you plan to kill me? From the start?”

Johnny’s pupil pulsed, thin from horror; whatever he thought she was going to ask, it wasn’t that. Was this sudden concern what had made her look so melancholy? 

“You said there were “others”, which at the time I took to mean other dates… like those serial killers that date to murder, y’know? I don’t think that’s the case after all of our talks, but, I still wonder if—”

“—NO!” He interrupted urgently. “No, NEVER. Of course not!” 

“I would never want to hurt you, Devi, never, not even then!” Johnny leaned forward as he continued. “Even when I tried to, I didn’t want to do it!”

How horrendous to have to clarify! He thought she knew this already, but he couldn’t blame her for being worried – it was his own fault she would ever need to question his motives anyway. He prayed she wasn’t afraid tonight might end the same way.

Devi smiled at his denials, but it came out lopsided and wrong. Johnny pushed himself to reiterate, to quell any worries she might still have.

“When you asked me to the movies…” His fingernails tapped against the metal table disjointedly. 

“Well, I… I was elated, euphoric even. I never dreamed you would take any interest in me. Everything else from that time blurs together, just a mass of blood and bile and shit… except for my memories of you. I was happy simply talking with you. Visiting the bookstore to see you was often the highlight of my week.”

Devi glanced away at that, resting her mouth against her palm. She was unaccustomed to the giddy thump of her heart now. It was foreign and stupid feeling. 

“Mm.” She mumbled against her skin. “Okay…”

Johnny watched her pick up her fork and poke around at her dinner, his expression a mix of confusion and indignant concern. 

“Devi, I mean it. I never even considered it. And there were no “others" – not like that – it was only ever you.” 

His serious expression fractured when Devi met his gaze again, eyes half-lidded and glinting with a different kind of longing. 

She knew all of that already – he had confessed to pieces of it time and time again – but hearing it outloud, all at once, with the mood she was in… 

“Sorry.” The corners of her lips perked up. “I didn’t mean to stir up old crap, I just… can’t stop looking at you.”

Johnny’s shoulders shrunk against his body, once again feeling extremely exposed. He coughed, fiddled with his hands, and after a few agonizing seconds, went back to eating with one big mouthful of noodles. Devi only laughed and finally popped a piece of chicken into her mouth.

They ate in moderate silence for a few minutes, until Johnny seemed to have relaxed enough to carry on a conversation.

“How do you like the chili noodles?” Devi asked between bites. Johnny raised his head, happy for the change of topic.

“They’re good. Very spicy.” 

“Good.” Devi smiled. Her eyes were trained solely on the blood-red stain clinging to the corner of his lip, and her only thought was how she wanted to suck it off.

“And your cashew chicken is to your liking?” Johnny smiled earnestly. So cute, so unaware—it made her nuts. She wanted to dig her nails into his skin.

“Yes. So good.” 

–

THE CREATURES RETURN TO THEIR DEN:

Devi kept her head forward while she attempted to listen to Johnny’s endless conversation from the passenger seat, but it all came out muffled, like her eardrum was ten layers too thick. With his belly full, Johnny seemed fully charged and ready to vocalize every thought that entered his head, which was normally completely fine, but Devi was quite distracted tonight.

She wanted to kiss him. 

The horrid, long-forgotten ache for physical intimacy had freed itself from the chasm where she buried it, and was now crawling up from the depths of her soul, leaving behind a scorched dragpath as it fought its way up to her head. It screamed, suffocating in her chest, demanding something to sate its call, threatening to blur her rationale to get what it wanted. 

Even though she was out of practice, Devi was used to ignoring the nagging little bastard, but these were very different circumstances – never in her life had she been going home for the night with the object of her desire. 

Green irises ticked to the side for just a second to catch a glimpse of her resident maniac, still indulging her with the entire contents of his head. He was so relaxed now, happy and tittering on about potential future projects—what the hell was she going to do once they were home, out of the searing eye of the public? She knew what she wanted to do but…

But kissing? It had been so long since the last time she indulged in such a thing, and for a situation like this, once that dam was broken, it was fucking broken! She was able to convince herself out of it last night, but how many more nights could she do that now that she had snuggled up with him for a movie? Now that she held him in her arms, trembling and nervous, but reciprocating all the same?

Good lord.

She was almost grateful for the distraction of red and blue lights outside of the apartment building, if it wasn’t for the fact that they were blocking her usual parking spot with an ambulance. Devi begrudgingly parked on the other side of the street, and joined Johnny on the asphalt to see what the ruckus was this time. 

It wasn’t uncommon for someone in the apartments to severely injure themselves, and sometimes the situations they got themselves in were good for a laugh, even if it made you question the longevity of the human species.

As the pair stepped around the commotion – hands interlinked yet again, much to Johnny’s delight – and towards the apartment gate, Devi spotted one of the neighbors that always inserted herself into anything interesting, just to have something to gossip about. 

“What’s goin’ on?” Devi asked, tilting to see who was on the stretcher inside the ambulance.

“Oh, it’s so awful!” The neighbor lady held her hands to her chest dramatically. “There was a horrible accident!” 

“That fell’er from the second floor, the one that’s always flirtin’ with everyone? You know him, he’s got his hair cut reeeal short, like them military folks?” She explained, shaping a square with her hands. “I guess he fell an’ got his head stuck in the dryer down in the laundry room!” 

Devi quirked an eyebrow.

“What a moron.” She commented, but her neighbor didn’t notice.

“YEAH, they said he was down there fer hours an’ hoursss before someone found him!” 

The neighbor went on explaining who found him and how, and at what time, and who that person was dating, and the rumors that she heard about rat people in the sewers, but Devi was paying her less and less attention the longer she thought about it. 

Hours ago? In the laundry room? 

No, it… couldn't be. There was no way! Johnny was only gone for five minutes at most! 

Still, that was plenty of time for him to do something… murder-y.

Devi’s head turned with a painfully slow rotation towards Johnny, her suspicions already seeping out from beneath her poker face. His large eyes and needle-thin pupils that were already waiting to meet her lifted one more red flag up high in her mind.

Oh, that little fucker absolutely would not have! He better not have!

“Johnny.” She whispered and squinted her eyes accusingly.

Johnny’s thumb fidgeted against the side of her hand, and he offered her a guilty smile in exchange for her glare. 

“Yes, Devi?” He answered too quickly, his voice strained and overly-casual.

Devi bared her teeth in a growing, frustrated snarl. There was no fucking way that Johnny would dare to beat a man to death literally twenty minutes before they left for their date—there was just no way! Not unless he took her for a complete fucking idiot! 

She wanted so badly to believe that he wouldn’t do something so brazen, but his nervous expression was damning, and she wasn’t the kind to let her heart win out over her brain. Or her eyes.

Law enforcement never did a single thing against Johnny, but just in case, Devi elected to move their conversation away from earshot of emergency personnel and nosy neighbors. She pushed through the gate that led to the lawn, leaving her neighbor talking to the wind while she dragged Johnny behind her. As they neared the front doors, Devi yanked her dearest roommate in front of her and pushed him up against the concrete wall with some force. She leaned her face in close to his.

“Tell me you had nothing to do with this.” She hissed.

“...” 

Johnny adjusted his jaw and looked away with a shaky swallow. 

Why, oh why did they have to return before the ambulance left? If they had arrived just a few minutes later, maybe this incriminating-looking reveal could have been avoided. He had even intended to confess to this particular sin, eventually, but not when Devi’s temper was flaring like an ignited charbroiler. There was an abysmally low chance that she would be forgiving when she was already pissed.

“JOHNNY.” Her nails curled hard into his shirt, suspicions all but confirmed from his unwillingness to answer. Johnny shifted uncomfortably, dreading her reaction.

“I… was going to mention it later…” He mumbled, unable to meet her drilling stare. That was all she needed to hear.

“Are you FUCKING KIDDING ME!?” Devi whisper-yelled at him.

“Devi, please let me explain! It wasn’t—”

 “I cannot BELIEVE you!!” Devi cursed and released her hold on him. “FUCK!”

She refused to hear whatever excuses he had, and abandoned him to march into the building, fuming. Johnny followed at her heels, but his disjointed reasonings went unheard.

Devi ground her molars together in frustration—she was so angry! Angry at Johnny and his weasily little ass for pulling a stunt like this, and angry at herself for being so… SOFT!

Here she was, extending trust off-handedly and fantasizing about kissing him like a fucking labotomy survivor, and he was sneaking around doing shit like THIS right under her nose! AGAIN! Did he even actually control himself when he went to the store like he said, or did he lie right to her face, and she chose to believe him because he was being sweet? Fuck!

“Devi, please!” Johnny kept his head low while he desperately tried to match her pace. “I swear it wasn’t unwarranted!”

“OH GOOD, that makes this SO much better!” She looked at him with contempt as they stepped into the elevator. “What is the matter with you!?”

“He was stealing women’s underwear!” He pleaded as the doors shut. “I tried to ignore him, but he was just so FUCKING disgusting! And I made sure not to kill him, you saw! He was totally alive, maybe blind in one eye, but alive!”

Devi sagged against the wall of the elevator, the weight of Johnny’s piss-poor excuses bogging her down alongside her irritation. Was that still all it took? One single person acting vulgar and he throws all sanity to the wind? She had obviously been giving him way too much credit. 

She groaned – at least her horrid touch-beast was back in its pit where it belonged.

“You were alone for five damn minutes, and you bludgeon a panty-thief.” She rubbed her temple passively.

“HE DESERVED IT.” Johnny seethed, fingers drawn up like claws. 

Devi crossed her arms and sighed out some of her rage through her nose, low and shaky. She could feel the bolts of her psyche tighten up alongside the long drag of air; screws winding down tight, plates reaffixing to cover the very delicate circuitry beneath that had been beeping with life all night long. How humiliating. 

Was it her own desires that made her trust Johnny time and time again, or was it her little parasite’s interference, trying to distract her in the same manner as Reverend Meat? And did it really matter what it was, in the end? She was the one that loosened Johnny’s lead too much, and this was the result.

He failed to contain his vitriol, again, even when by all accounts he should have been in a good mood. It didn’t matter at all if the victim deserved it or not, Johnny should know that by now, and then to turn right around and smile in her face knowing what he had done was salt in the wound.

“I trusted you.” She said finally, definitively.

Johnny’s posture fell, shoulders sagging, and he dropped his hands pathetically. Devi refused to look at him, and he fought to stop himself from audibly whining – she was right to be angry, he already knew. They would have had a completely nice and normal date if he had controlled himself for just a moment longer than he did. Johnny’s stomach cramped, sick with self-loathing, and he couldn’t bring himself to speak.

The elevator dinged as it arrived at the fourth floor, and Devi stepped out first, mumbling curses to herself while Johnny trailed behind her like a sulking child. She swung her backpack around to her front and rooted through the assorted junk for her keys. Her fingers instead met with the collar and leash still tucked inside, and her head went hot again, embarrassed for being so naive, for offering more of herself when he was fooling her. 

She stopped at the apartment door, and Johnny came up to her side, head still low.

“Devi, I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to deceive you, I had every intention to tell you.” 

“I just didn’t want to spoil the mood right before we left and… you looked so happy and pretty getting ready, excited to go out, and… ” He mumbled, tapping all of his fingers together.

Devi’s mouth squirmed, brows knitted together, as she did her best to ignore his comment. 

“I promise, I did not want to kill him, only injure. I purposefully made sure he lived, in fact! Doesn’t that count for something?” 

“No, it doesn't, Nny! You still snapped the second you were alone!” She opened the door and hurled her bag across the room and onto the couch. Johnny followed her in, and the door barely closed before she whipped back around and pointed her finger to his nose.

“Next time we leave the house, you are wearing that fucking collar!” She glared at him with her lip curled.

All of Johnny’s rebuttals about how mightily he had fought to contain himself from his desperate need to enact karmic violence broke away and fell into the sea of his mind, with nothing more important now than convincing Devi to not revoke the pleasantries she offered him tonight.

“NO!” Johnny cried, aghast. “Devi, please reconsider, please—!”

“NO. You lied to me!”

“I did not lie! I told you, I was just waiting…!”

“IT STAYS ON.” She bit out sharply, and Johnny let out a heavy moan of agony. 

Oh, how cruel the consequences of his actions were! He grabbed the sides of his head in a fit, wriggling around in annoyance, spitting and cursing over his horrid luck, before collapsing to the floor. 

So much progress, and for what!? To have it screwed up by that ugly, sexual deviant? He didn’t want to walk around with that accursed leash on anymore, he wanted Devi to hold his hand!! It was so nice and warm and comforting, he wanted it more than anything he had ever wanted before!!

Devi stood off to the side with an unimpressed stare, watching Johnny contort and kick wildly until he tuckered himself out. She rolled her eyes when he devolved into pointless whining, and left for her room. The heel of her boot connected with the door hard enough to shut it behind her, and she hoped Johnny would take the hint to leave her alone for a while.

Instead of washing up or changing, she snagged her stereo remote and went right to her computer. She needed to write out her frustrations while they were smoldering hot; it kept them nice and contained in the specimen jars of her e-journal, preserved to study later when her head was cool. 

Devi turned on some screamo music to drown out whatever noise Johnny might make outside her door, and moved her mouse to click on the book icon of her writing program. A notification with an annoyingly excited envelope popped up in the corner, indicating that she had received an e-mail while she was gone. 

The sender’s name caught her attention right away – “Arthur Guy” – and she felt some of her annoyance already fading at the prospect of a gallery opportunity. At least there was some good news to balance things out – thanks, Art!

Before she could click on it, a chat bubble jumped in front of everything, with an unmistakable green neon panda icon.

[x-XSPooKYX-x]: HOW WAS YOUR DATE!!?? ^_^

Devi stared at the message with one eye winced. She hesitated, but ultimately decided to reply, lest Tenna come upstairs and make good on her promise to drunkenly beat the door down while Johnny was lamenting pathetically in the living room.

[scr3w_0ff]: Oh, absolutely lovely, up until I had to hit him with my car and dispose of the body. 

[scr3w_0ff]: What a mess, they’ll be finding bits of him along the highway for years.

She laughed dryly to herself, then moved on to her journal. If only things were as simple as vehicular manslaughter when it came to wrangling in Johnny C.

--

ONE CRUEL, CRUEL HOUR LATER:

After assaulting her keyboard to vent, Devi begrudgingly forced herself into the bathroom to clean up after another fuckshit date. Despite her body’s unwillingness to cooperate, after rinsing the gel out of her hair and changing clothes, she felt much better. Or at least, she wasn’t debating throwing Johnny out of the apartment window and listening to his body bounce off of the dumpster lids to cure her woes. 

With a tired sigh, she wiped the remaining black and purple from her eyelid with a soaked cotton ball. If she was trying to be “optimistic”, at least Johnny peacocking his true colors around had saved her from prematurely jumping into a physical relationship with him. If they had spent the night kissing on her couch just for her to find out later what he had done, she might have actually hurled his ass down four stories and to his second death by her hands.

“Fuckin’ Johnny…” Devi tensed her eyes closed for a moment. 

She had already debated shoving the mound of clean clothes onto the floor and just going to fuck to sleep, but sleeping on this without any closure between them would probably produce nightmarish dreams the likes of which can only be found within the nine circles of Hell. It wasn’t like he would have any good excuses, but she still wanted to talk to him, to make some kind of mental note about why he did it, if only for her own peace. The idea that Johnny may never improve in any meaningful way was just too miserable for her heart right now.

Devi tossed the used cotton wad into the trash, and unhappily walked to her door, readying herself for the bombardment she was sure to receive from the woeful creature lurking on the other side. 

She turned the knob, but only managed to open the door shoulder-width before she stopped with a silent, startled expression. Johnny stood not three feet from the door, staring at her intensely from her dark living room. 

As her pupils adjusted to the light difference, she could tell his demeanor was a lot less intense than his stare was. His eyes glistened from the lighting of her bedroom, wet and miserable, and his cheeks were painted with equally pathetic streaks of black that ran down and across his jaw.

The sad display helped soften her initial surprise, and Devi gave him an incredulous half-smile.

“Fuck’s sake, Nny…” She chided him. Johnny sniffed and turned his gaze to the carpet, only lifting his hands to pick at his cuticle passively.

“Are you still angry, Devi?” He asked, voice hushed. Devi clicked her tongue against her teeth with a dismissive tch.

She walked past him, flicking on the lights as she did, and Johnny turned to follow her path uncertainly. Devi pushed her backpack off the couch and onto the floor, then flopped backwards to replace its spot with a tired grunt.

“C’mon, let’s hear it.” If a hand could look annoyed, hers did, beaconing him over.

Johnny stared at her in disbelief, having spent the last hour-or-so convincing himself he had once again ruined everything irreparably. He was wary despite this glimmer of hope, and walked slowly to join her on the sofa. Once he was seated across from her, though, the desire to be nearer still was almost overwhelming

“Devi… I really am sorry.” He said to the couch cushion. “I’m so stupid, I know that. Please, I…”

Johnny scooted closer and bent his head down more.

“Please…” He whimpered. “I wasn’t trying to trick you… I’m sorry, I should have just told you, it was stupid and I wasn’t thinking properly, and… ”

“Johnny…” Devi creased her eyebrows, one bent up in question. He lifted his head up, fresh tears clinging to his lashes.

“I was so anxious and worried about our date, and myself, and if you like me, genuinely, like really, REALLY like me, and what to do if you DO, and then that man was SO DISGUSTING—what if he had taken something of yours before!? Sniffing it, rubbing it on his face… His oily, meaty FACE, it makes me WRETCH!!”

As he spoke, Johnny’s body shivered, twitching harder and harder as he worked himself up over the memory.

“And I, I should have just left it alone, I know, I tried to, I DID! But it was making my skin ITCH listening to him!! I thought maybe, since I let him live, that it would be okay – I don’t know why I thought that, I knew you would disagree, but—!”

Devi reached her arms out and held Johnny’s trembling shoulders with a firm grip, and he stilled immediately. 

“Take a breath, Nny.” Her voice was relaxed and that eased him more. She let her hands drop, but one lingered to grab his forearm gingerly. 

“Why were you so anxious? I thought you would be… I don’t know, excited? Happy?”

“I was! I was so, so excited but… I don’t know.” He hesitated, watching her fingers on his arm. “...It feels impossible. Nothing has ever worked, it’s so easy to believe nothing ever will. That sentiment of romance, of something lovely held out to you by someone else – it feels unreal, like surely it must be a hallucination.”

“Unfortunately, I know exactly what you mean.” Devi pinched at his skin idly. “But what does beating a man about the face and neck solve?”

Johnny shifted further in on himself, knees half pulled up onto the couch.

“...Nothing. It just lets out this pressure in my head, it makes it quiet again, enough to think.” He sniffed. 

They sat in silence for a while before Johnny spoke again.

“If it makes any difference, I only struck him once, with the washing machine door.” He said quietly. “...I really did try to ignore him, Devi, I did. But the snorting and grunting… ughhh…” 

Devi stared at him, but Johnny would only meet her gaze for a second at a time. She pulled away to rub her forehead while she thought. 

It was “good”, in theory, that Johnny was able to hold off for a few minutes instead of snapping instantly like before, but she was not going to praise him when he still failed to hold in his desire for blood. Selfishly, what was most upsetting was that he pretended like all was just peachy after he was done.

“I’m not saying the guy didn’t deserve it, he’s a nasty son of a bitch.” She decided to leave out the short anecdote about the same neighbor propositioning her to see his ‘nut zone’, keeping in mind what had happened with Eddie. 

The brief memory of the tire iron beating made her feel guilty – did she set Johnny back in his recovery by letting him go wild that night? Maybe that was why he thought it was okay to attack this guy as long as he kept him alive? If that was the case, she couldn’t entirely blame him for acting out.

“...I’m just worried, Nny. I thought you were making these leaps with self-control, and now I can’t stop thinking; Did he attack someone at the movies too? Did he lie when he said he went to the store without issue?”

“No, no!” He started his denials, but realized how far they fell. “I know it is hard to believe me, especially after tonight, but I give you my word, this is the only instance since we picked up the paintings. I would never want to sully your birthday with such brutality.”

Devi watched his face carefully, and hated how much she believed his words. She needed to keep her skepticism, even if she liked him now, for the sake of all their efforts thus far, but he looked so sincere. And a little bit darling, with his eyeliner all ruined from sobbing about disappointing her.

GAWD, she needed better taste in men.

Once more ignoring her own internal warnings, she brought a thumb up to his stained cheeks and brushed away some of the streaks of make-up. Johnny shivered out a breath, eyes closed in bliss, and nudged his face into her palm, finally feeling some relief from his all-consuming dread. 

It didn’t matter how many times their relationship recovered, each time something went awry, he could only assume that this fight would be the one that ended everything, once and for all. Devi was so compassionate and lovely to him, but with as headstrong as she was, it was easy to imagine her realizing what a useless case he was, and pulling away from him completely. It made Johnny sick to think about.

Devi didn't retract her hand from face, and instead cupped her fingers to hold his head properly. Johnny whimpered against the skin of her palm, overcome again. 

How could he have jeopardized his relationship with Devi so carelessly? Again!? 

How many times would he gamble with what was most precious to him? Why couldn’t he just CONTROL himself like Devi wanted him too!? Even now, when she was again so gentle with him, he was hiding more misdeeds from her. Would she hate him if she knew everything? It would hurt her again to find out later, though, wouldn’t it? He promised to confess, but what if she hated him for what he had to say? The idea of losing her petrified him to the bone.

Another wave of tears came, dripping hopelessly from the corners of his eyes, and Johnny bowled over with a sob, the weight of his guilt too much. He pressed his forehead to the cushion, and ground the top of his head into the side of Devi’s thigh.

“I’M SORRY!” Johnny sobbed. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry. I’m sorry!! Please don’t hate me, Devi!”

Devi watched from above in surprise, uncertain where this new outburst of emotion was coming from. Johnny’s arms snaked around himself in a miserable hug.

“There’s more that… I’ve been keeping from you. Please, please don’t hate me…” He managed between hiccups. Devi’s expression hardened.

“More attacks?” She asked urgently, and Johnny wiggled his head back-and-forth against the fabric to say “no”. That eased her some, and she waited for him to explain himself.

“No, no… I, I just… I…” He sucked in a shaking breath over his lip. “It’s EVERYTHING.” 

“For weeks I’ve been fighting off sleep because I’m terrified I will hurt you!! We spoke about Meat being the cause of the dreams, but what if he’s NOT!?! What if it’s just me and my stupid, fucking, shitty HEAD, Devi!? Each time the dreams grow more vivid, more tangible – what if I think I’m dreaming and something compels me to stab you, to murder you against my own will!? I’ve been so afraid to say it outloud, afraid you won’t treat me the same if you knew!”

Johnny took a few haggard breaths and started in again with renewed upset.

“AND MEAT WAS HERE! JUST YESTERDAY!” He confessed, loudly. “HE KNEW I WAS ALONE!! He’s happy with what I’m doing! SO IS IT BAD!? SHOULD I STOP? He’s no friend to me, I know that, so what does he want!!!”

“And I—” His tongue hitched, horrified over the words he was asking it to form. “Last year, I—”

Johnny squirmed enough to pull his arms out from underneath himself, and wound his fingers into his hair to pull the strands tight.

“I… FOLLOWED YOU HOME…” A sob. “You were yelling, I thought you were in distress!! It was just fucking TENNA! I know that now, but at the time I— I STAYED OUTSIDE and just stared and STARED at your window, AND I… COULDN’T STOP.”

“I WANTED TO SEE YOU, I MISSED YOU!” Johnny curled his knees up, forcing himself half onto his side. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry!! There was no intention to meet you, I only wanted to see you for a moment, I swear! Please, Devi…”

Devi watched the sad Johnny-ball at her side with concerned eyes. The stalking was the least of her concerns; Meat appearing in the apartment was much more troubling. She had never seen him herself, and knowing the crafty fucker was smart enough to stay out of sight was alarming. 

“Ah, Nny…” She said finally, and set a hand on the back of his head. “I know.”

The lack of anger in her voice baffled Johnny, and he turned enough to stare up at her past his wrists. 

“You do…!?” 

“Well, the stalking anyway.” Devi twisted a clump of his hair idly.

“Did you see me!?” He jolted up onto his elbows.

“No, it was like… I knew you were there.” She looked off. “It could have just been paranoia, I always tried to believe it was, but when I was “sick”, it was like I could feel it. Feel you, nearby… sometimes.”

Johnny’s eyes widened. He wondered briefly if their shared ailment spawned a connection of sorts, one that drew them together against all odds, whether they liked it or not. He wasn’t sure if he liked the concept.

“It doesn’t matter now.” Devi added, breaking him away from his musings.

“It does.” Johnny interjected. “It was wrong of me. I care so deeply for you, Devi, I can’t bear that I ever did you wrong.”

Devi smiled tiredly and shook her head. There were much bigger issues to tackle here.

“...Why didn’t you tell me about Meat?” She asked. Johnny shifted uncomfortably in his guilt.

“Things have been improving. I still hear him speak, but I see him so infrequently – I figured he was trying to startle me. I can’t figure out his motives otherwise…”

“You can’t hide shit like that from me, Nny.”

Johnny flopped back down and pouted at nothing.

“I know, Devi. I just don’t like to worry you… You’re already exuding so much effort for both our sakes, it would be nice if I could shoulder my own burdens so you don’t have to. That’s the idea of all of this, isn’t it? That one day I can manage without you?”

There was an undesirable feeling Devi got from the phrasing “without her”. Of course, the original plan was to get Johnny back up on his feet as a creative and out of her hair as fast as possible, but now, with their relationship mended and growing, she didn’t necessarily want to be “without” him again.

“I appreciate the thought, but we’re in this together, aren’t we?” Devi smiled at him and poked him in the ear. Johnny puffed his cheeks out shyly.

“Well, yes, but…” 

“So, I need to know if you think something’s going fuck-y. Full transparency.”

“...Okay.” Johnny sighed.

“Even when I’m trying to be helpful, I only cause you more trouble.” He grumbled, embarrassed now for his tearful confessions. “I don’t know why you put up with me. Well, I do, but even if it’s for your own preservation, it seems like more work than most would take on.”

“Hey!” She laughed a little. “It may have been self-preservation at the start, but we’re friends again, aren’t we?”

Devi set her hand on his cheek and held it lazily, once more thumbing away residual wetness.

“I’m not giving up on you, Nny, so bear with me a little while longer.”

Heat crawled up the back of Johnny’s neck while he laid there, staring up at her from his spot by her hip. It was so easy for her to take his breath away, it was humbling. The familiar flutter of his heart that paired with the rising temperature reminded him of the evening’s events outside of this small, hysterical interruption. 

“Thank you.” He breathed, and Devi chuckled to distract herself from how sincere he sounded.

“We need to keep at it. Meat’s definitely happy about us getting, um… closer, but I think if you continue progressing with your art, you can smother him. Let’s work on painting again this week, that would be good, I think. In the meantime, you need to work on your impulse control.”

“I know…” His attention remained on her thumb that had moved on to caressing his jaw as she spoke. He wanted to lay by her side like this, forever.

Johnny looked up to her again, dearly, achingly. 

“Devi… It will not happen again.” He spoke the words like an oath.

Devi felt her stony insides crack in winding fissures, resounding like granite in a quarry, from hearing something so genuine. Additional words weren’t needed to know that the exhausted dedication in his voice was for her – that Johnny was doing this for her sake, out of deep loyalty for her, in an effort to keep her trust. Now, if only he could make good on his word.

“I promise, Devi.”

“You promise a lot of things.” She teased, against her better judgement, and moved to wipe the other side of his face with the back of her hand. “You’re going to have to prove it to me.”

“I will.” He swore again.

Devi turned her head away and covered her mouth to fight the smile off her lips. This damn touch-beast.

With her hand gone, Johnny sat up and finished drying his eyes with his wrist. The night had not ended with the absolute destruction of their relationship, which was wonderful, but even better still, Devi did not take his outpouring of horrible truths badly at all. 

“...I had so much fun with you, tonight. On our… date.” Johnny spoke the word carefully, like it might break mid-air. “I’m sorry for ruining it. Again.”

“Eh, definitely not the worst date I’ve ever had.” Devi joked and Johnny's mouth squirmed, unsure if he should laugh, knowing well what the worst one was. She gave him a soft shove.

“I had fun too.” She reassured him with a tired grin, and Johnny returned it earnestly. 

“I truly am sorry, I can’t stand to see you upset, Devi…” He inched closer. “It’s a lot to ask, but if you’re willing to, would you offer me the chance to “prove” myself to you again? Maybe not soon but… eventually?”

“Hmm,” Devi tapped her lip. “I may be inclined to. Later.”

Johnny beamed for a moment, then laced his fingers together while he eyed her shyly.

“Soooo…” He waited a beat. “I don’t have to wear the leash again, then?”

“Oh, you are absolutely wearing the leash.”

Johnny’s expression fell into comical misery, and he fell across her thighs in anguish, complaining with tearless wailing about the unfairness of it all.

--