I keep thinking I’m mad at Harry, and fuck, I am, I’m so fucking mad, but I don’t think I’d be this mad if it wasn’t for Gabe. I honestly do not think that I would be so hurt, so devastated, so emotionally torn, if he hadn’t come along first. I’m going to pretend I didn’t just write ‘devastated’ or 'emotionally torn'  because those are not words that I ever want to associate with myself. Let’s just ignore that, please. But for real, I don’t think it would have affected me so much in the way that it had if I hadn’t been there before: being lead on and toyed with, just to be dropped when someone more suited came along and showed an interest.
It’s been what, four months now? This shouldn’t still bother me. I’m over it, I was over it, for so long! Maybe it’s because Harry chose someone else too, but somehow it always ends up back at Gabe.Â
How the fuck is this fair?Â
I chose this, though, right? I was the one who stopped trying, I was the one who gave up, so I shouldn’t still feel anything. But I do - it still hurts. I love him I loved him,so damn much.Â
God, we were so fucked up. Who does that? Who does what we did? He was married, but still I couldn’t stop. He couldn't stop. We couldn’t stop. Why did it never work for us? I know you can’t answer these questions for me, no one can, but answers would be nice. Maybe then I could forget about the whole thing.Â
That’s what I really want - to forget. That wasn’t how love is supposed to be. Sometimes I can’t help but to think about how disappointed dad would’ve been with me for putting up with that. Disappointed is the wrong word, he would’ve never been disappointed, but I can’t think of the right word. There’s nothing more that I want in life than to have a love like them, like mom and dad. They were so happy, everything was so good. Does that even happen anymore? I thought that some day maybe Gabe and I would get there, you know? It really felt real, all of it. I think that’s why I kept going back, because I wanted it to be real. I wanted to believe that he was it, that he was my person or whatever, but I guess he didn’t really feel the same, evidently. I know that it was my choice to put an end to it, but I mean there was always a part of me that was waiting for him to fight you know? The saddest reality of the whole situation is that, I think, if he were to fight back, even now, I think I’d give in. I really think I would. As much as I want now to just forget about ‘love’ - whatever that is, I can’t forget about him. This is so fucking pathetic.Â
Okay I know I just said I would probably give in, but that’s actually not true. I say I would if I had the chance, but now that I think about it, I’ve had chances and it always ends the same: we fight, we kiss (usually he kissed and I gave in, but that’s not the point), I forgive him, we try again. I don’t want that any more. I can’t keep doing that. I won’t ever do that again.
I don’t know why I’m even writing this, it’s not like I’m ever going to have to choose again. I think I just need to get this all out on paper. If it’s here, it won’t be in my head anymore, and maybe then I’ll be able to function properly. It’s not even Gabe anymore, I don’t think. I mean it is, it fucking always will be, but it’s the whole idea of love and what it means and how I’ve been going about it. It never works. Never never never.Â
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She'd long since convinced herself that she'd deserved it all; every hit, every unkind word. It had all been because she'd never been good enough, because she'd done something wrong to make him so mad. She was so blinded by those soft moments of tenderness and affection and she'd convinced herself she was so deeply in love with Derek, that the rest of it was excusable.Â
People; friends and family, had always tried to show her the truth of the others actions, but she'd pushed them away. They didn't see him like she did! He was just angry -- he'd had a bad day, she'd done something wrong. Excuse after excuse was delivered that in the end, she had him and only him. It's what he wanted and Celeste had been the perfect toy.
Until today -- today was the day she was resolved to leave. Ever since she was a little girl she dreamed of being a makeup artist -- of working in fashion shows or on tv and movies... that's all she wanted out of life, and in the beginning? Derek had supported that -- but now? Now he was telling her no. Her dreams didn't fit into his own and Celeste had decided now was the time to grow a backbone.
"I was accepted."
"Where?"
"Beauty School."
"I thought we talked about this, Celeste."
"I know -- but I think I should be able to go."
"We decided we're going to the same school."
"That's what you decided."
"Excuse me?"
"I -- I'm going."
"No you're not."
"I am! A-and I'm --"
"You're -----?"
"I ---"
"Spit it out, Cel."
"We're over!"
He'd been moving closer throughout the conversation and now he was right in front of her. The palm of his hand came into contact with her cheek and she stumbled back, eyes wide with shock as tears began to sting her eyes. He looked so angry. A whimper fled her lips as she tried to shrink away -- tried to make herself invisible to him.
"After everything I did for you?"
"D-derek..."
"You're an ungrateful bitch."
"N-No! I -- I love you..."
"Then why break us up?!"
"You ---"
"You're pathetic."
"N-no!"
It was the first time she'd ever raised her voice to him and she could tell he didn't approve. He was on her in an instant; his hands landing blows against her flesh as she let out a loud cry, trying to curl into herself more to escape it all. It was moments after that that her bedroom door was broken down and her brother came crashing in.Â
Had he just come home? She'd been sure they'd been there alone, but she was grateful for him because lord knows she would have changed her mind if he'd kept pushing with those fists of his. She refused to watch her brother grapple with Derek -- for fear that one of them would become seriously injured ( the most concern resting upon Anthony ), but when she heard the smash of the window she looked up with wide eyes; immediately assuming the worst -- but Anthony was still there and she was quick to rush over to him.
Derek was alive -- the shrubbery that had surrounded the house cushioned the fall, but Celeste made no move to rush over to him and see if he was okay because as far as she was concerned, they were over. Â But that didn't stop the heartbreak. Heavy sobs shook the girl as she clung to her brother; crying over how hurt she was that it went this way. She'd imagined spending the rest of her life with Derek -- abuse or no, and now she no longer had him. She was alone irregardless of how many times Anthony tried to assure her she wasn't -- that she'd always have him... but it wasn't the same.Â
He, like everyone else, had never understood.
This place, Boston, had become a hell for her -- it had torn her heart asunder and left her with nothing more than a shell and a warped sense of what love and affection meant, but she was alive and if that's all she had going for her right now, she'd accept that for what it was worth and do her best to pick up the pieces and follow her dream.
And if she had to do that alone?
Well, then that's what she'd do.
She refused to let someone like that dictate her life again.
Well, that is -- unless she gave into him again.
Or is she strong enough now?
Only time will tell.
After all the shit I went through on tours with the boys -- I still wouldn't have had it any other way, even if I did some pretty dumb shit. Shit -- it's been seven fucking years since then. I live with the girls now -- Sam & Grace. Still in London like before, but I've got my best friends by my side now and I'm moving on.
Of course there are things I miss. Like family -- of course, I still miss my biological family... I'll never stop missing them, but the new family I'd created. Obviously I still keep in touch. I'm better at that now; he's in jail now so I don't have to hide. Well, for now. I hear he's up for parol soon. Hopefully he'll be denied it -- cross your fingers for me.
I'm getting better. Sam and Grace don't check up on me as much as they used too and I've been able to stop taking my medication. I still feel terrible for what I did... I always will, and they keep telling me it's okay... but --
No -- Okay, sorry. Getting better. I need to stop holding onto stuff and keeping things from people. It's become horrible -- honestly horrible. I think losing my family was the hardest thing I've had to overcome -- the abuse I could handle, but that car accident just ruined me. I should have...
Ugh. Okay, so I'm not 100% better. I still blame myself for things and hide stuff from people but i'm working on it. I've let Sam and Grace in on a lot that I kept from them and they were proud of me. Granted, it was from a hospital bed and I was pretty fucked up, but it was a start. I tried to keep the attempt from a lot of people, but they made me tell. I hurt a lot of people, but I think they forgive me.
I still love Max. I love him with everything I had, but I wasn't ready to be in a relationship. I needed to fix myself before I brought in another person. We still talk -- I still tell him I love him and he knows when I'm ready we'll try again, but I just... I can't keep hurting him even if he said I wasn't. I know keeping all this stuff from him wasn't good for the relationship.
My therapist told me to start keeping up with this thing again; said writing it all down and sharing it would help. Guess I'll hand this over to Sam or Grace when I'm done. Or maybe Harry. The girls deal with enough as it is... and He's my best friend after them...Â
I don't know what I'd do without them. Any of them.
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Except I'm not, I'm not over the worst of it--- because now I am not writing to future me, because future me, past me, current me, they end here. "Dear you," is irrelevant now, it should just be dear end, dear Noah, dear me, because now there is no future and the past is just going to be forgotten. I haven't dwindled on the past in years, but now I am, because now it's all I have -- there is no future because even this pen is to heavy for me to scrawl down what I am trying to say anymore. I can't even play myself out on some sad epic piano riff -- I'm so weak, and I am so fragile.
Noah is terrified to touch me, he think's all break, but I want to tell him I'm not going to, but what if I do. Everything hurts, my blood feels like poison to me... I'm killing myself, without killing myself, I want to see Charlie's next birthday, god I want to see Alice grow up -- Alice is such a beautiful girl, and she's so much like Noah... She's not even ours biologically, but she acts just like a queens. Toby is only two, but he acts like me -- everyone says like.
Life is just a slower suicide, you know, well, you do know because you're talking to yourself... I drank morphine, I feel like I am drowning, and that's what it's supposed to do, the nurse asked me, she was my home nurse for the past year and she didn't want to see me suffering anymore. So here I sit, in my bedroom, and Noah is heading back in right now.
I love him, but I hate doing this to him I love him more than anything, and I love out family, out home and our stupid giant fucking dog that I wanted so desperately when I was 20...
My lungs are so heavy, I'm drowning -- please don't let me drown forever...Â
The last words I said on stage tonight, they still feel surreal to me, but we ended it where we started. The fans, they were insane... thorough the years, they've always been insane, but tonight --- there was just such a heavy feeling of support from them all. Ten years, ten years and there was so much support from them all even if there was hate it was out weight. I couldn't sing tonight, I am sick, I wasn't supposed to sing I should say, but I did. My voice cracked it wasn't up to par, all of our voices cracked, the stage has always been like home to me and each one of those boys and everyone we've worked with -- they're my home and I don't want to leave home. I've been with my home for ten years, and I just want to do a million more.
Niall always hated the song torn, he did, he's said it so many times but he wasn't hesitant at all to sing it, he cried the hardest, before we even got off stage he was crying so hard. They're my brothers, I love them, but this was for the best. We're getting older, we want to have real lives, not that we ever will... we just want to grow up.
I'm still sitting on the stage, the rush is gone so now it's all setting in. I've been here for three hours and the fans are gone -- the cheering is gone, I just want them to stay a little bit longer, I want to play just a little bit longer. I don't want them to fade away from me, I just want to sing one more song.... Now the seats are all empty, the roadies aren't even on the stage anymore -- it's all packed up and torn down. Now I'm just sitting here with everyone gone and I'm still crying, the floor seats have all echoed out with their slamming closed.
I'm going home to Cheshire tonight, for a long time. I'm not going to my mums though, I have a house near hers, but I just want to go on the tour bus with Louis, Liam, Zayn and Niall though. I want there to be one more stop -- I want to get on that tour bus and know it's not just going to drop us off at the air port to go home. It's not though, there is no more stops, there will never be another stop with us all together -- and I don't want to be alone, I don't want to hit another stage alone, I want Sarah to be out back, I want Sam to be making stupid faces from behind her camera. I want to look back and see Elijah playing bass, I don't want us to become nothing, but were going too.
Sam is going out with drinks with me tomorrow, a celebration of all the years -- she's never going anywhere, she never will, I love her for that. I'll always love her for everything she never realized she's done for me. Sam is my soulmate, she is, and maybe one day we'll realize that, but for now were going out for drinks and she's going to still be living near her -- but what if I don't see her like I do now ever again.... I just want her to be with me all the time.
The stage feels eerie now, like the ghosts of our past linger here forever. We were One Direction -- but now, were singular people, all of us, the crew, the boys, friends that say we'll keep in touch, but as time goes on and life gets in the way --- ... we wont keep in touch. We'll be alone without each other, and it will leave me empty because even though I'll have Scarlett with me, for now, I've lost the only life I've known.
I don't want to be with out them, but this empty arena, it's telling me that I will be and Scarlett is being good at not rushing me, but it's over and I can't sit here forever. I'm heading to the car now.
"From the stairs to the biggest boy band on earth, we were One Direction, and from the bottom of our hearts... thank you and goodbye."Â
Emma Stone is hot. And she’s the coolest girl I’ve ever seen. Don’t tell that to Grace, she’ll smack my head.
Last night we went to watch Easy A at the theatre. We met with this girl from school and she introduced us to this guy named Luke. He seemed pretty cool too. We all sat together, and by all I meant this Hannah girl Evan’s been hooking up with, Grace and her Mark and then Ingrid and I. Mark’s date was a dick. Almost literally. You’d think Grace would take the hint when his name is Mark Dickinson.
I mean, seriously?
Anyway, the movie was great and we were all laughing and the girls were being cheesy as hell. I think I’m going to just end things with Ingrid. Whatever ‘things’ are, anyway. I’ll lose my bet with Evan, I guess. This one didn’t even last a week, Jesus.
