#future entry.

After all the shit I went through on tours with the boys -- I still wouldn't have had it any other way, even if I did some pretty dumb shit. Shit -- it's been seven fucking years since then. I live with the girls now -- Sam & Grace. Still in London like before, but I've got my best friends by my side now and I'm moving on.

Of course there are things I miss. Like family -- of course, I still miss my biological family... I'll never stop missing them, but the new family I'd created. Obviously I still keep in touch. I'm better at that now; he's in jail now so I don't have to hide. Well, for now. I hear he's up for parol soon. Hopefully he'll be denied it -- cross your fingers for me.

I'm getting better. Sam and Grace don't check up on me as much as they used too and I've been able to stop taking my medication. I still feel terrible for what I did... I always will, and they keep telling me it's okay... but --

No -- Okay, sorry. Getting better. I need to stop holding onto stuff and keeping things from people. It's become horrible -- honestly horrible. I think losing my family was the hardest thing I've had to overcome -- the abuse I could handle, but that car accident just ruined me. I should have...

Ugh. Okay, so I'm not 100% better. I still blame myself for things and hide stuff from people but i'm working on it. I've let Sam and Grace in on a lot that I kept from them and they were proud of me. Granted, it was from a hospital bed and I was pretty fucked up, but it was a start. I tried to keep the attempt from a lot of people, but they made me tell. I hurt a lot of people, but I think they forgive me.

I still love Max. I love him with everything I had, but I wasn't ready to be in a relationship. I needed to fix myself before I brought in another person. We still talk -- I still tell him I love him and he knows when I'm ready we'll try again, but I just... I can't keep hurting him even if he said I wasn't. I know keeping all this stuff from him wasn't good for the relationship.

My therapist told me to start keeping up with this thing again; said writing it all down and sharing it would help. Guess I'll hand this over to Sam or Grace when I'm done. Or maybe Harry. The girls deal with enough as it is... and He's my best friend after them...