It’s been what, four months now? This shouldn’t still bother me. I’m over it, I was over it, for so long! Maybe it’s because Harry chose someone else too, but somehow it always ends up back at Gabe. 

How the fuck is this fair? 

I chose this, though, right? I was the one who stopped trying, I was the one who gave up, so I shouldn’t still feel anything. But I do - it still hurts. I love him I loved him,so damn much. 

God, we were so fucked up. Who does that? Who does what we did? He was married, but still I couldn’t stop. He couldn't stop. We couldn’t stop. Why did it never work for us? I know you can’t answer these questions for me, no one can, but answers would be nice. Maybe then I could forget about the whole thing. 

That’s what I really want - to forget. That wasn’t how love is supposed to be. Sometimes I can’t help but to think about how disappointed dad would’ve been with me for putting up with that. Disappointed is the wrong word, he would’ve never been disappointed, but I can’t think of the right word. There’s nothing more that I want in life than to have a love like them, like mom and dad. They were so happy, everything was so good. Does that even happen anymore? I thought that some day maybe Gabe and I would get there, you know? It really felt real, all of it. I think that’s why I kept going back, because I wanted it to be real. I wanted to believe that he was it, that he was my person or whatever, but I guess he didn’t really feel the same, evidently. I know that it was my choice to put an end to it, but I mean there was always a part of me that was waiting for him to fight you know? The saddest reality of the whole situation is that, I think, if he were to fight back, even now, I think I’d give in. I really think I would. As much as I want now to just forget about ‘love’ - whatever that is, I can’t forget about him. This is so fucking pathetic. 

Okay I know I just said I would probably give in, but that’s actually not true. I say I would if I had the chance, but now that I think about it, I’ve had chances and it always ends the same: we fight, we kiss (usually he kissed and I gave in, but that’s not the point), I forgive him, we try again. I don’t want that any more. I can’t keep doing that. I won’t ever do that again.

I don’t know why I’m even writing this, it’s not like I’m ever going to have to choose again. I think I just need to get this all out on paper. If it’s here, it won’t be in my head anymore, and maybe then I’ll be able to function properly. It’s not even Gabe anymore, I don’t think. I mean it is, it fucking always will be, but it’s the whole idea of love and what it means and how I’ve been going about it. It never works. Never never never.