Effort - is it always worth it?
I'm not gonna lie, I used to be really shy as a kid. I had dreams and visions, but I seldom had the courage to do everything I wanted to.
The past year and a term has really made me realize though, that my role in college has been an initiator. No kidding. My philosophy is that there are so many opportunities here, and that if I want to do something, I should just go for it. There's nothing to be afraid of. I've definitely gotten over my childhood shyness. I talk to pretty much everyone, including strangers, and I love meeting people. It's insane how many people you can meet in college. I've also managed to get myself involved in 5 commitments, because I love them all and I don't want to regret not trying things. My high school was really small, but there's so many things I wish I'd done while I was there. So I want to graduate from college feeling like I made the best of every situation possible, and that I did everything I wanted to and could've done.
I love taking initiative. There's no use in waiting around. I like making things happen. I tell myself that if I don't, who else will?
But taking initiative takes a crap load of effort. And effort requires a lot of energy, both physically and mentally.
And even though I'm a huge supporter of making an effort, there are some things that I feel just aren't worth it.
Like with people, especially. I'm the kind of person who wants to be everyone's friend, and I feel like overall, I do pretty well with that. I love the people I'm friends with.
But sometimes I let myself get too attached to people. People I think are special. People who I truly feel like there's a connection with. Individuals that stick out to me.
You made me think that this was going somewhere. You made me believe that the feelings were mutual. That first day we had a real conversation, I had so much fun. It was amazing. And the days after that were awesome, too. I thought we were hitting it off. I let myself fantasize about where this could eventually take us.
But then, out of the blue one day, you ignored me. You stopped being friendly. You sent me weird vibes, like you were purposefully not noticing me, or texting me. You went from hot to cold. From amiable to straight up rude. And it's been like that for a while now.
You raised my hopes high, only to crush them hard. This is a terrible metaphor (but don't blame me, I'm writing this at friggin 4am on a Friday) but I feel like a cookie that was carefully made in the oven, only to be taken out, thrown onto the floor, and then stomped on with a sharp heel and left outside on the dirt for birds to eat.
Goddamit, you can't just do that to me, you know?
I put in so much effort, trying to be your friend and trying to get to know you better. I texted first often. I offered ways to hang out. I took initiative. I thought I was doing things right. And for a moment, I believed that you wanted this to work out just as much as I did. I don't know what happened to cause the drastic change in your attitude, but for one thing, I know it's not PMS because you can't biologically be going through that. I don't know if the bro syndrome, likely caused by testosterone, is the explanation for your actions, but it's still not ok. I've given you so many chances. And I've been nothing but open, welcoming arms through this all. And you... well, how about you tell me what you've been because frankly, I'm just upset and confused.
If you're busy, I get it. Trust me, I am too. But when you care about someone, you make time for them. You do. There's always a way to make time, somehow. An hour here and there. Texts once in a while.
You make me so mad and confused. I don't know what I did wrong, because I don't think anything went wrong to begin with. And I sure hope my friendliness didn't scare you away. But you know what, I'm done trying. If you wanna approach me, take initiative. I can't handle having my hopes crushed any further.
If you change your mind, I'll be here, like I always have been.
Sorry this post is rather gloomy, but I just had to vent for a bit so I can go back to feeling shiawase.
