Not because of a guy or cause of a fight or work or even cause of my family.
Because we live in a world were someone, for whatever reason, wants to and has the ability to shoot a school full of children.
It's been disturbing me for days. I, like pretty much everyone else, watched the news unfold on Friday. I hugged my crying friend, who lives in Connecticut. I called my mom so she knew I was okay, even though she wasn't really worried. I texted my ex, who's probably the love of my life, and told him that I loved him.
I sat in my room and cried a little, I lit a candle and hugged my teddy bear, thinking about all the kids that will never get to live their lives.
Kids, mainly between the ages of 6 and 7, who will never do anything of things that I take for granted every day.
And then I thought about how ANYONE could do that. Could look in the face of a child and pull the trigger. I can't understand how someone would be that ill or crazy or upset to ever do that. I can't understand how someone could be that messed up and NO ONE could see it, NO ONE could catch it.
I read the stories about the teachers and administration. People who should have NEVER had to make the choices they made. Who should never have been asked to show the kinds of bravery and heroism they showed that day.
I don't understand how we could live in a world like this. Where incidents like this are not just tolerated, they're practically expected. We have escape plans and lock down procedures that every child is expected to know.
I'm ashamed to say that when I first heard the news on Friday as "School shooting, 3 taken to hospital", I actually said outloud "well thank God it was only 3." Only 3. Is that the kind of world we live in, where 3 lives can be easily brushed aside. Like this is an every day occurrence.
I'm only 20 years old and it absolutely terrifies me. It scares me that I have to live in place like this, bring children into a place like this, try to love in a place like this. Where we tolerate and plan for death, mayhem, and chaos.
For the first time, I see why people are terrified of a world that a week ago I would've told you was lovely. Full of kind, generous people just trying to figure it all out. For the first time, I see why people shut themselves away, terrified of their own shadow.
Unfortunately, that's not what's practical. Living in this world terrifies and, at times, disgusts me. But the hardest thing in this world, is to live in it.
So be brave. Live. For me, for them, for you, for all of us. Cause what else can we do?
