#wolf biting

like first of all body focused repetitive behavior representation (for which i am starved)

but also just the angst potential of a remus who compulsively chews his fingers. remus who feels the wolf pushing at his brain at all moon phases. who tries to resist but fails. remus with bandaged hands who winces every time he has to write or hold utensils because his fingertips are so bloodied. remus who cannot hide that animal part of him, who wears the evidence on his fingers. remus with nerve damage and thickened skin. remus who comes up with increasingly complex excuses for why he’s wearing gloves. remus who won’t swim because the bite marks will show if his hands get wet. remus who gets worse right before a moon. and when he transforms the wolf has bitten paws.

I've been doing this since I was 12. If I get a hang nail, I can't resist the urge to bite or pick at it, which just makes it worse. Over the last couple of decades, the habit has become fully ingrained and integrated, to the point where I find it difficult to reconcile how normal it feels with the actual gross consequences.

I'm a musician, so I handle other people's instruments sometimes, and occasionally I get blood on them. I have embarrassing memories from throughout my life of bleeding on things and people. I've been asked awkward questions about the cuts and tears on my fingers, and I've lied about how I came by them.

Today is day one of a new attempt to heal myself. Not just the physical habit, but the compulsion and psychological shit that underpins it.

Somehow, I lose every nail file I ever buy... Eventually I just stopped getting them. I don’t know what happens to them, they’re just...gone. disappeared forever into the ether. I did try to use clippers, cause I thought maybe it was just the dry skin that was bothering me, but then I started picking at old calluses on my fingers (from rowing), etc... and noticed myself biting the inside of my cheeks more... so i don’t think it’s just a “don’t like it being uneven” thing for me... 

i’m really glad you’ve found a couple things that help you curb it though! and glad to hear you like your cube! i wound up getting one for me (and for my mom since she’s ADD and a huge nail biter too) - maybe it’ll help out! and i’m really hoping it might help her, since she bites her fingernails down to the quick (like I said in my reply to that other anon, she mostly just bites her nails, while I bite some of my nail and the skin around my nails and cuticles - she’s a nail biter, and i’m a wolf biter).