#withchy

Cozy witchy lair.

| Artist: Unknown

Last year, after several years studying from home, i decided to finally start to come to physical school again. I wanted to have real teachers, homework, and a reason to get up at regular hours. The goal : being more motivated, having a more regular studying routine and thus, having more chances to graduate.

The thing is, i was terrified. I was bullied in high school because i’m queer and disabled, and i feared so much it would happen again. It’s a real trauma, i was sooo anxious everytime i thought about having classmates.

Fortunately, at the start of the school year (if i remember well, it was the weekend right before the first class) happened a really beautiful thing in my city : a bunch of queer people organizing a weekend where they take care of other queer people.

At this event, there was a fortune teller. So, my very frightened self signed up for a time with her. I had two problems : there was a ghost in my home, and also i was really, really anxious about school. I think school frightened me even more than the ghost...

The fortune teller draw some cards and told me i REALLY NEEDED TO PROTECT MYSELF. She gave me a lot of advice : sage, crystals, keeping my favorite tarot card on me, and she gave me one tiny bottle of potion and told me to put it on my forearms every morning before going to school.

I took the potion and did as i was told. And it worked. But i think it worked too much. Here’s how i know it : when i had the potion on me, no one bothered me at all. But no one looked at me at all either. And the very exact day i forgot my potion, so several weeks after start of class, some classmates talked to me. They seemed to notice me for the first time. From that day on, i didn’t wear the potion, except on very bad days, then no potion at all, ever.

I don’t know what’s in this potion. I still have it on a shelf somewhere. Maybe it was too strong, maybe it was no good. Or maybe it was because that day, i was less stressed. Maybe i seemed more available.

What i really want to say is : the person who gave me this potion encouraged me in a unhealthy mindset. I came saying i was terrified of my classmates, and she said yes, you should ward. As if they were evil entities. And i followed that. I stayed in my all-frightened mindset and didn’t talk to classmates, and i sat in the front row so i didn’t see them, and apart from them... i literally isolated myself.

Because i thought that people = danger.

After i stopped wearing the potion, i was still anxious. But i dared to ask my classmates informations about that homework, help on that subject, copies of that class i missed, and they responded nicely to it. They were willing to help their disabled classmate without any questions. Finally, this year, we even greet each other when i see them in the hallway!! And for me that’s a huuuuge progress to be able to respond with a smile and a “did you enjoy your weekend?”. There’s even a girl that often willingly sits next to me???

There’s a fact : they are not evil. Just because you were bullied in the past doesn’t mean every person who goes to the same school as you is evil. My current classmates are not even mean or judgemental. Well, not the ones i talk to anyways.

Another fact : sometimes you have to work on you trauma in order to get somewhere and that’s not always good to over protect yourself. That’s what my therapist said. Yes, seeing a (good) therapist is GOOD.

And witchcraft does not solve everything. Also, don’t always trust fortune tellers. I have deep respect for the one i saw last year, but also, wtf ? The advice about the ghost were really good tho. But fortune tellers aren’t therapists.

When i was in a “classmates are dangerous” mindset, i felt terrible. I felt so alone. Spending whole days amongst other people without anyone noticing me? Awful. Then i slowly started to think “they’re just people”. And every little “hello” felt like progress.

March 30th, 2019