You didnât know why you felt this way almost all of the time. The day Frankie was born was the happiest day of your life; despite the idea of ever having a kid was one of the most unplanned event that you could ever imagine.
You and Bucky had disclosed, and agreed that you never wanted to have kids. Your lives were too busy, and you both loved what you did. Plus the idea of having a kid was absolutely terrifying. You didnât know how to be parents.
But one day almost 7 months ago while minutes away from taking off on a mission that didnât involve Bucky, you were called off of the jet only to  be yelled at by your CO for trying to get on a mission while 12 weeks pregnant.
12 weeks pregnant?
You had scoffed at your CO for even suggesting that that was a possibility. In fact, you laughed in his face as though it were some weird prank. Someone had obviously planted those results on you. There was no fucking way.
True, you had admittedly skipped out on your bi-monthly medical check-ups three times until that day. So you came to the conclusion that someone found out about it and planted it on your medical records so that they could get away with doing what they wanted for at least a little while longer.
3 pregnancy tests later, and a follow-up doctorâs appointment the very next day confirmed their own statements.
And yet, although you had both been scared out of your minds for nearly 24 hours, when you heard the sound of that strong heartbeat echo around the room, you felt an overwhelming sense of calm. You had a hard time mustering up the courage to look at the screen at first, but in Buckyâs eyes you could see an expression of aweâŚeven love while fixating on the footage of that little form resting calmly inside you. That look alone gave you the courage to turn around and see what was your little girl.
You were then both immediately in love.
So why were you feeling like this right now? This was supposed to be the happiest time of your life. Sure, you were a little (very) sleep deprived, our nipples felt like raw, engorged chew toys, and you were recovering from an incredibly long, and difficult labor/birth that bordered on traumatic. It was eventually the best day of your life, but even thinking about that pain made you start to tremble. Why did everyone say that you would forget the pain in a split second?
Now for the past week or so, Frankie would start wailing, and she would not stop for a long time. You had no idea what she was crying about, or how to fix it.
You felt so helpless in those moments, especially when she would cry angrily as though to tell you to figure out what the fuck she needed, and now.
Now was one of those moments.
Her diaper was clean, you tried feeding her but she refused; you tried rocking her, and putting her down for a nap. And yet, nothing was helping.
You stood in the middle of her nursery with her head resting on your shoulder as you softly bounced her, rocking her side to side.
Nothing.
You felt tears start to form in your eyes. You didnât know what you were doing wrong. Maybe she just hated you.
Bucky swiftly walked into the room.
âY/N, is everything oka-â
âWeâre fine,â you snapped.
âY/N, just let me take her for a little while,â
âI said, weâre fine! You think I donât know how to take care of her?â
This caused her to cry even harder.
You shot him a severe look, signaling him to go away.
When he finally left the room, the tears that you tried to hold back began to flow, and you broke out into silent sobs so as to try not to upset her even more. You were failing, and you didnât know what to do about it.
. . .
After another half hour, she had finally tired out and went to sleep. But God knows how for how much longer now.
You made your way to the living room and plopped on the couch and hugged your knees in an upright position. You nearly started rocking yourself, but you didnât have it in you to even do that. You didnât even have the energy to push yourself sideways to make yourself comfortable to get some sleep. So you just stared off into space. You didnât even have enough energy to even have thoughts at this point.
âY/N,â Bucky sighed, sitting next to you on the couch, setting a light hand on your shoulder.
You jumped, not expecting the physical contact. Especially after how badly you had treated him not too long ago.
âY/N, you really should get some sleep.â
You shook your head, just barely as you continued to stare off into space.
âSheâll probably need me soon, so thereâs no point,â
âThen let me take care of it.â
You shook your head once again. A little bit stronger now.
âY/N, do you not trust me with the baby?â
You frowned, but didnât move your eyes or head to his direction.
âY/NâŚâ
Now you snapped your head towards him, feeling a burst of energy fueled by anger come out.
âHow could you say that?â You exclaimed.
âY/N, you never let me take care of her, much less touch her nowadays. So Iâm asking you again. Do you not trust me to be around her anymore?â
You sighed, fighting another burst of tears attempting to make their way through.
It wasnât that you didnât trust him with the baby. In fact, it took a little while for him to even trust himself to hold her. On the day that she was born, you decided that you needed to spontaneously enforce the sink or swim method on him. So you just handed her off to him giving him no option but to hold her, or she would fall. And you knew that he was never going to let that happen to his precious little doll. So who the fuck was he to accuse you of that?
You shot up, crossing your arms.
âGreat, so now Iâm not just a horrible mother, but a terrible wife too? Is that what youâre saying?â
âY/N,â he said softly, keeping a short distance from you.
And thatâs when the tears came out in loud sobs. You couldnât control it, or hold back as you did before. You turned your back to him with your head in your hands.
You suddenly felt him wrap his arms around you, and turn you around. Your head was now resting on his chest forming a large wet spot onto his light-grey shirt.
He rocked you side to side as though you were the baby now that couldnât stop crying. You didnât deserve him.
He sat you back on the couch and had you lay down with your knees curled up, and your head resting on his legs.
âY/N, Iâm sorry for what I said, but please just tell me whatâs going on. You act as though you have to do this alone.â
That was it. You felt like you did have to. You felt an immense amount of guilt about how much you had put her in danger for the first three months of your pregnancy. You had carried on doing missions, and engaged in multiple rigorous, and dangerous fights. All because you neglected to go to those stupid check-ups.
When you found out about her presence, you felt a desperate need to protect her. Since she was inside of you, it hardly even felt like a task. As long as you were safe, she was safe by default. She was comfortable, secure, and had all of her needs taken care of by default.
Now that she was out in the world, it was a different story.
You had been so close to her for so many months. It was the closest bond that one human could have with another human. On a technical scale, you were the only one who had any sort of physical contact with her until the moment you gave birth to her. Now that she was out in the world as an autonomous being, that thought scared you.
You wanted that closeness back.
You wanted her protected in your belly once again.
Now it felt like she couldnât even bond with you. She hated you now. You didnât know how to properly be a mother.
So you tried, and you tried day and night and but continued to fail nonetheless.
But while trying to learn how to care for her properly, you didnât realize that in the process you had been alienating her from her father. Or rather, you had been alienating her father from her.
It wasnât fair to him to feel that way.
So, you explained the exact thoughts that you were feeling as you continued to sob on his lap. He did nothing but listen while stroking your hair.
âY/N youâre not a terrible mother,â he said in the hushed tone that he knew soothed you.
âAnd you shouldnât feel like you have to do this alone. Youâre crashing, and I see it happening more and more by the hour. You canât keep going on like this without eventually ending up in a hospital.â
You sniffled, finally regaining the ability to stop the tears.
Within a split second, he scooped you up and carried you upstairs to your bedroom to set you onto the bed, covering you up in the warm blankets. The pillows underneath you felt so soft. Softer than they had ever felt in your life.
âNow rest,â he whispered before kissing you on the forehead.
âWhat if she gets hungry?â you muttered drowsily. Â
âFridge.â
Oh rightâŚYou had completely forgotten that you had left milk for her in there. You just felt too guilty to use it to let him bottle feed her. But the bed was so comfortable, before you could even finish the thought, you drifted off into sleep.
âŚ
The next few weeks were still hard; but not nearly as much as before. You let Bucky help you, sharing the load. How you had felt before didnât go away overnight, and you still felt tired a lot of the time. But you didnât feel like you were going to crash as hard as before.
Slowly over time, the spontaneous waterworks began to subside.
Eventually the more you got the hang of things, it was much easier to take care of her. With the added help of Bucky of course. You didnât realize how much less of a weight on your shoulders it was when you let him share some of the load.
You bonded with her more and more, and so did her father. You melted when you secretly watched that tiny baby lay comfortably in his arms.
One time you broke out into sobs at the sight of them. Bucky had fallen asleep with her in his arms as she slept comfortably. When he woke up hearing the tear induced gasp, Bucky thought that he had done something wrong. But it was the opposite. You smiled through the tears and explained that they were happy tears. Â
And as the months went by, you celebrated the new milestones that she accomplished. You werenât as sad as you thought you would be in the process of  watching her up so fast.
You loved seeing how much her fire-like spirit and determination to learn how to do new things and navigate the world flourished.
She would give you the biggest, and happiest one-toothed smiles when  crawled around the living-room floor with her chunky baby legs; and oftentimes would explode into the most infectious bouts of laughter. It was impossible for anyone not to light up at the sound of it, especially in public.
As mentioned before, it still wasnât easy adjusting into parenthood. But you set your mind into realizing that this was another journey in life that you would conquer every day, and enjoy every step of the ride.
But when those moments came when you felt like you were failing, Bucky stepped in and reassured you that it was just the opposite. He reasoned that you felt that way not because you were a bad mother, but because you wanted to be the best damn mother you could be. And that you were doing a hell of a good job at it.
And he was doing a hell of a good job at being the best father.
Parenthood may have been a journey that neither of you had wanted in the beginning of your relationship. But now, you couldnât imagine life without your little family.
