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synopsis: in this story, bucky never fell off of the train. you did. bucky and steve both get the serum and bucky mourns the loss of the love of his life. he never gets over it. he never gets over you. but over 70 years later, natasha stumbles upon buckys old photos he keeps of you and everything clicks. not only were you alive but you were brainwashed, and made to train the widows in the red room. made to be a ruthless weapon for hydra. and you don’t remember bucky. you don’t remember anything from your past life.
themes: slowburn. bucky!yearner, f!reader, mentions of torture, violence, blood, REAL YEARNING, bucky is haunted by visions of you falling, nightmares..
authors note: no this isn’t about natasha and bucky (though i love them in the comics). i’ve had this idea for so long like imagine you lose the love of your life and they come back a murderous, brainwashed menace who doesn’t remember you?! i definitely wanna continue this but let’s see if people actually enjoy it lol.
“no steve listen to me, i swear—”
steve puts a hand out to stop natasha from speaking, “no. natasha stop. you’re only going to make this worse for him.”
she scoffs, “listen golden boy, i know what i saw. and i definitely remember the face of the woman who trained me. how could i forget?”
steve studies her, still uncertain, “okay fine, assuming the woman you claim to have seen briefly in buckys wallet is the one who trained you, this would crush bucky!”
when natasha says nothing back, steve continues.
“and how the hell would she even be alive? me and bucky got the super soldier serum, not her. just doesn’t make sense!”
“i don’t know okay,” she shakes her head slowly, “maybe she did get it? i don’t know i just… steve, all im saying is she’s insanely strong, fast, and i hadn’t seen her age a day from how long i was in the red room,”
“so she’s got a great skin care routine, big whoop. doesn’t mean she’s a super soldier.”
natasha sighs, clearly annoyed with him, “you know that’s not what i meant.”
“well right now i don’t care.” he steps closer to nat, closing in on her. “no one tells bucky, not until i am sure.”
natasha sighs again, “it doesn’t really matter, no one has seen her in years.”
steve frowns, “what do you mean?” he crosses his arms.
“i mean,” she stands up straighter, “she’s now a ghost story. they call her the winter widow. she has been accredited to over a dozen assassinations over the last decade,” steve’s eyes widen and she continues, “but that’s only what we know of.”
steve laughs humourlessly, “no way that’s her, she’s quite literally the sweetest girl we knew, couldn’t even kill a bug.”
the elevator dings.
“i don’t think you understand how hydra operates rogers,” natasha eyes the elevator doors which are now open. steve turns too.
bucky steps out with a tray of coffees.
“hydra you say?” he sets the coffees down in front of them, “what did i miss?”
—
if there’s one thing natasha is, it’s loyal.
natasha doesn’t tell bucky anything like steve asked her to, but she gave him an ultimatum. either he figures it out and tells bucky or she would do it herself.
over a week had gone by now and steve had been silently investigating. coming up empty on leads of her. only finding ghost stories of “the winter widow.”
steve leaves natasha, clint, sam, and bucky to attend a conference with tony. everyone remains discussed the next mission parameters. everyone but bucky.
he fiddles with something in his pocket. the metal clinks and bucky stares straight ahead.
past the group.
past reality.
snap.
“hello? earth to barnes?” clint snaps his fingers again in buckys face.
bucky grumbles snapping back to reality, “mmh what?”
“i was saying we need to bring that zemo guy back in for questioning. he knew an awful lot about hydra and you’re the only one who’s had extensive experience.”
bucky’s mind drifts again at the thought of hydra.
during the war he was originally experimented on by hydra, meant to become their puppet. they took those memories from him though, wiping it as they would and sending him back on his way to avoid suspicion. all he could recall now was pain, sharp and dull. searing and hot as they poked and prodded at him.
snap.
“jeez i’m gonna have to get you a fidget toy or something,”
bucky rolls his eyes and sits up straighter.
“i’m gonna go train with clint,” natasha announces to the room. sam nods, burying himself back in his book. bucky doesn’t even look up, staring at the object from his pocket now flat in his palm.
natasha shakes her head because this behaviour was typical of bucky.
since she met him, bucky had been keeping his head down and trying not to talk to anyone but steve and occasionally sam. bucky was always staring at something that was folded in his pocket, fidgeting with his fingers, or twisting some old silver necklace around his fingers.
like he was remembering something.
like he was missing someone.
but now natasha knew who and she promised she wouldn’t say anything.
slowly she retreated from the room, moving to go to the training room with clint and leaving bucky and sam alone to their books and their thoughts.
—
over an hour later sam’s phone buzzes. he grumbles annoyed, something about never having time for himself before setting his book down harshly.
he picks up his phone, “yeah steve?”
he sighs exasperated, “isn’t tony there?“
bucky looks up briefly before setting his eyes back on the necklace.
it was a simple thin silver chain with a moonstone pendant. he swears sometimes when he rubbed the stone, it was almost like he could feel your skin again.
the smooth stone, would remind him, of the way your skin felt, silky under his fingertips. he shuts his eyes and could see your face again when he’s holding it. how you would look at him like he was the only man ever. like he could do no wrong. but he did. he told himself he did wrong.
the happy memories would fade when he wasn’t touching that necklace. everytime he’d blink he only saw you falling. your lips parted in a gasp as you reached out for him.
“bucky!” her hands reached out for him and briefly, they touched.
their fingers brushed against eachother, but it was already too late.
she was already over the edge and the cold engulfed her, stealing her from him, all while he stood helplessly.
sam’s book roughly met the wooden table, snapping bucky out of his thoughts.
“come on grumpy, we got shit to do,” sam stood up.
reluctantly, he shoves the necklace into his inner jacket pocket, zipping it shut. “where we going?”
“steve needs us. apparently tony didn’t bring his damn suit and roger’s left his shield at the tower.” sam is already putting on his suit.
bucky sighs, his stoic demeanour never shifting. he stands without another word, thinking to himself.
this is what i needed. distraction. something to keep me feeling fulfilled. purposeful.
—
sam and bucky get to the scene and it’s horrific.
bodies littered across the street, cars flipped over and pinning people down. bullet casings scattered around.
sam exchanges a knowing glance with bucky. “i’m gonna work my way around and look for steve.”
bucky nods and strides over to help people. using his enhanced strength to lift cars off of people and help them out of the way. in the distance he could hear bullets flying, but that wasn’t his concern right now.
“get out of here! go!” he ushered people to their feet and cleared them away from the approaching gunfire.
once he got people cleared out of the street he inched closer to the gunfire, keeping in the shadows and trying to get a better look. there are way too many for him to take them on his own. he’s completely outnumbered if he steps out of the shadows now.
he touches his ear.
“sam?”
he buzzes back, “you cleared the area buck?”
“yeah. but who’s shooting?”
sam sighs over the coms “don’t know yet, just that they’re well trained.”
“no shit…” he glances back at the dozens of bodies on the floor behind him. cleanly shot, like there was no struggle. or if there was, they stood no chance. he felt a shiver go down his spine.
“you find steve yet?”
sam grumbles, “yeah. nats got a car and we’re gonna meet you at the bridge. this street is clear.”
bucky agrees and moves toward the bridge.
—
at the bridge, bucky spots an old grey sedan. and sam leaning against it. “come on bucky, we gotta go.”
bucky scoffs, “go? and leave those goons to continue their path towards more innocent people?”
sam shakes his head, “no, we’re just gonna go regroup, steve doesn’t even have his shield right now. we are outnumbered without tony and bruce.”
buckys jaw tightens, “so what you want to go back to the tower and in the meantime what? the people left have to feign for themselves?”
“no we’re literally just waiting for his shield and tony to come back in his suit.”
“no fucking way, i’m not leaving anyone behind there,”
“no bucky… just listen damn it-” suddenly a knife flies through the air and into steve’s shoulder.
steve winces hard, gripping his shoulder, “jesus fucking christ where did that-”
another knife flies toward the middle of natasha’s chest. she gasps and catches it by the hilt before it pierces deep. it cuts through her suit regardless.
bucky and sam look around frantically, forgetting all about their argument. a figure, moving quickly lunges at sam, shoving him back against the sedan, the impact denting the car.
sam’s head hits the car. hard. immediately knocked out.
buckys eyes widen, trying to take in how quickly this is unfolding. the figure approaches him, flipping a knife in their hand. he barely has time to study them, only registering the fact that they’re shorter than him.
how are they doing that?
they flip the knife again, before driving it towards his jaw. his breath hitches before stopping the knife from reaching him.
the figures masked face only exposes their eyes. and they look up into buckys. a cold expression surrounds their irises and seeps into his. but he can’t help but feel warmth. intrigue.
they move again, dropping the knife from their hand and catching it with the other, slicing the side of his arm. bucky winces and stumbles back. the masked figure doesn’t falter, following him as he moves back. they pull him down by his shoulders, connecting him to their knee. his face makes contact and his nose bleeds. his hand flies up to touch his nose.
“jesus christ what did i do to y-” he’s cut off by steve’s shield hitting the masked figure in the stomach, making them fly backwards.
tony lands next to natasha, helping her up. having brought the shield to steve, steve pulls the knife from his shoulder, steadying himself upright.
they don’t make any sort of indication that they’re hurt, despite the sharp edge of the shield hitting their torso, and a visible rip in their suit. they stand again, their hair falls over their shoulders and only then does bucky realize it’s a woman he’s fighting. he stands too, wiping his blood on his pants.
the masked woman picks up the shield, studies it for a few seconds. then she launches the shield like a frisbee back at steve. he catches it but not without stumbling backwards a few steps.
bucky uses the opportunity to lunge at her, throwing a punch at their chest, which she blocks. she tangles herself around him, sliding her legs up around his neck. she pulls bucky down to the ground, her grip a vice around his neck. he’s digging his fingers into her thigh, trying to pull her off.
finally he flings her off him and onto the sedan. she lands on her back with a thud. she recovers quickly, rolling her wrist out and striding back menacingly towards him. her eyes empty, like none of this matters to her.
like she’s doing this mindlessly.
bucky groans and gets back up, trying to ignore how she’d been flinging them around like a ragdolls.
he steps closer to her.
“stop, whoever you are,” she doesn’t move.
bucky steps even closer, despite how violent she’s proven to be. she kicks at him, where he blocks it with his arms. he moves to head butt her, making contact. but it doesn’t faze her. bucky scowls, annoyed with this situation now. he pulls a leg under hers and drops her hard against the hood of the sedan.
steve tosses him his shield and bucky lifts it up over her.
he makes contact with her mask with the shield, cracking the exterior. he lifts the shield again but this time she rolls out of it, making him impale the car with the shield. he turns to face her, and she’s already swinging at him. this time he ducks and swings right back at her, connecting with her face.
the mask shatters as she turns around. he can hear the mask hitting the ground.
slowly, she turns back to face him, her fists tight. all the air in his lungs depart and he can’t move. he can’t think. he can’t breathe.
no. this can’t be real.
even steve’s eyes widen, natasha was right. he says your name, his voice cracks as he says it. his fists unravel and fall to his sides.
she tilts her head slightly, her expression unchanged, “who the hell is that?”
to his surprise, she turns around, walking away from him. tony and steve look to eachother, confused.
“w-wait,” bucky can hardly think, but he knows he can’t let her leave. his feet moving without his consent.
suddenly, she whirls around, movements tactical and precise when chucking a dagger towards bucky.
aiming right for his face and still he doesn’t move.
he doesn’t even try to catch it. and it would have hit him if steve didn’t quickly step in front of him with the shield. the dagger clatters. buckys breath is in his throat as steve slowly lowers his shield to peek at her.
but she’s not there anymore. just like the stories of being a ghost, she vanishes again all the same.
bucky falls to his knees. a soft whimper escapes him, as his shoulders hunch over.
i love that it’s mcu cannon that both bucky “get that thing out of my face or i’ll break it” barnes and nat “im not thanking that thing” romanoff don’t like redwing. they’re so soulmates.
Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
✓ Live Streaming✓ Interactive Chat✓ Private Shows✓ HD Quality✓ Free Actions
Free to watch • No registration required • HD streaming
