Interested in your writing about your porn addiction. You describe it as deity-like. Can you talk about it more in that sort of anthropomorphic framing?
i suppose when an addiction becomes so overpowering it can feel sort of anthropomorphic.
i have bpd and sometimes short lived psychotic episodes, so i feel everything at a much higher intensity than any other person.
porn has become this sort of energy, which feels both internal and external. like a kind of inner enlightenment that needs an outer switch to turn on.
i'm still discovering what that means to me. overall, in my soul i know it to be negative, as all things are in too high a dose.
porn has become the center focus of my life, outside of my husband. if he were to tell me to quit, i'd struggle but i would. however, he knows it's not helpful to request that of me right now.
i adore pleasure, more than anything else. i love that i'm actively giving myself panic attacks with my addiction, and i can feel myself getting brain damage day by day.
i'm frying my dopamine receptors to a crisp, because i want instant gratification, as intensely as possible, all of the time.
i've never "humanized" porn so to speak, though if i had to, i'd say it would be a fatherly figure holding my head above the water. i know it to be a fake savior, but i don't care.
i've suffered in life to the point i lack empathy and care, if not for my husband. part of me sees porn as a massive reward to make up for all the pain.
i know i need help in decreasing my obsession, but i will never quit paradise.
