#windows tips

12 Windows Services That Are Safe to Disable

This--problem?  hellscape?--has now happened to me three times. Three times I googled, and three times I found many complaints but no solution and then I’d--do something?--and it would stop.  I never knew why.

Today, in like a random ass thread from 2016 or 34009 AD or Mars Standard Time, I really don’t know anymore, someone gave the solution and it is just random enough but something you’d easily do by accident that yep, I see why this happened and can only be the work of Microsoft dev who may have forgotten what it felt like to be human but remember enough to hate all those who have retained theirs and vengeance is theirs.

If your computer abruptly displays most or all of these symptoms at once and you’re greater than 75% sure you aren’t tripping or having an acid flashback from circa age nineteen which was so not a good idea:

1.) Cursor/touchpad now highlights everything in your document, email, text program and you can’t plant your cursor anywhere--it is All Highlighting, All the Time. There is no typing, only hell.

2.) When you try to copy, all selected text may abruptly become all caps, and you may or may not feel like something is right behind you, laughing hoarsely and smelling of coffee from a basement in the late eighties.

3.) Everything is capslock.  Word, Outlook, Chrome, Text, all you type is screamed back to you and won’t shut up, not even in your dreams.  You check: caplock is not on and this is turning into some Windows Gothic shit.

4.) PageUp/PgDown stops working in Chrome for no reason whatsoever, even after holding down the key a full five minutes while keening the alphabet backward.

5.) Also in Chrome, not only does every link open a new window, if you have chrome embedded in your Taskbar and you click on it to maximize a window after minimizing it, it opens a whole new instance of Chrome  You are at roughly twenty chromes just trying to google this goddamn question which is by the way ALL FUCKING CAPSLOCKS when you realize this is why back isn’t working in the window. 

(If you’re reading this after googling and 1, 2, and 3 are yes but you haven’t noticed this, go hover over your taskbar; there are probably like sixty open Chromes now. You’re welcome.)

6.) Also in Chrome, sometimes clicking links will just not work until multiple attempts or maybe are deliberately waiting until you break into sobs begging it to work, which passed being a coincidence quite some time ago but denial is your friend.

7.) Many other possible things seem off with keyboard/mouse/touchpad use and you begin to suspect Windows Gothic is now Windows Cthulhu.

If you google, the prospective villain will be StickyKeys, FilterKeys, Drivers, Windows is Satan, you are actually in hell.  The solution will be turn off stickkeys, turn off filterkeys, check accessibility settings, update drivers, roll back drives and reinstall, restart, restore, reinstall windows, and realize you’re the chosen one and start a religion with heavy Luddite influences, some very specific and unsettling fetishes doubling as religious rituals, poor fashion sense, and if in Texas, a compound armory with AK-47s, rockets, military grade tanks, anti-aircraft missiles and enough bullets to end civilization, as is guaranteed in your right to bear arms as stated in the Second Amendment of the Constitution.

(Note: legally, when one cults it up in Texas, you are also required to purchase enough unoccupied land for the mandatory sketchy but impressively defensible compound and assorted outbuildings, your religion must involve Jesus in some form, and it is mandatory that you arm yourself (and your followers) equal to or greater than the number of weapons needed to fight World War II.  While it is optional, it is highly recommended you take the opportunity to declare the acquisition of Texas by the US was illegal and appoint yourself president, king, dictator, and/or God-Emperor of the Republic/Kingdom/Nation/Empire of Texas.  This does not entitle you to attempt any change to the Texas flag, state flower, state animal, or any official state [object].  If you make attempt to do so, and during the next new moon, you will be shot, killed, and eaten by one (1)  jackalope bearing no less than two (2) hunting rifles and one (1) bottle of wild turkey, as clearly outlined in the Texas Constitution.  God bless Texas.)

Double check StickyKeys and FilterKeys are off (they are, yep), then take a deep breath and hit both Shift Keys simultaneously.  This is both cause and solution as well as cruel cosmic joke played by an uncaring universe and Bill Gates, whose immortality is fed by your tears.

20 Most Useful Keyboard Shortcuts I Use Every Day (Windows)