#wind weasel

“Pull my finger, boy!” said green, slimy Kappa as he extended his webbed hand out to a small child in a poorly crafted wooden cage. “I promise you, Johnny! This one will really get your goat! Just for me, boy, please?”

“M-m-my name is James, sir,” the frightened boy stuttered. “Do I really have to Mr. Kappa? I really would rather not.”

“Dammit, Joe! Don't you trust me? Ain't I the funniest guy you know? Isn't that why you decided to bunk with me, buddy?” The kappa extended his eager finger between the bars of the cage. The boy wasn't there of his own free will, regardless of what the stupid kappa told his neighbors. Kidnapped by the freakish water imp, the humans assumed that poor 10 year old James had drowned in the lake outside his home. James, knowing that Mr. Kappa would not give up on the tasteless gag, reached out to the wet, sticky finger in front of him and gave it a tug. A childish grin appeared on Mr. Kappa's beak. His nasty, little teeth peeked through the gap of his mouth as the air shook around the room, and the smell of digested fish filled their nostrils.

“Ugh! That's disgusting!” cried the boy, preserving what little fresh air he had left to breathe. The formidable stench causing James to concentrate holding in his vomit. The kappa was bent over in a hysterical laughter as he walked away from the young boy.

“Disgusting? That's comedy gold, my boy! Ask the world, lad. It doesn't get much better than this!” The kappa bent down to the water and grabbed a wriggling fish, opened his beak and let the fish slide down his throat. He looked back at the boy. “Oh, where are my manners? Here!” The kappa grabbed another fish and tossed it into the cage with the boy. The fish flopped around on the muddy floor of the boy's cage. “Eat up! Don't be rude!” said the Kappa who then continued to laugh at the stench of his farts.

The boy, afraid to touch the struggling fish, huddled in the corner of the cage. “Um...sir.” He muttered. “I'm afraid I can't eat like this. You see, my human throat is not lubricated to carry fish, and my flat teeth cannot penetrate the raw flesh.”

“Eh?” The kappa was taken aback. “You reject my humble gift? Is it not good enough for good ole Jace the human? Well fuck you too!” The kappa yanked the fish from the boy's cage and gulped it down.

“N-n-no. I didn't mean that. It's the opposite!” the boy tried to please the kappa's frustrated logic. “I was not good enough for it. It was really too much. How about something smaller, um, easier. Berries perhaps?”

“You humble fuck!” The kappa grinned and patted the boy's head as a quite disturbing smile rose on his nasty beak. “Berries?” He began to rub his hands together. “Well, of course, berries, boy! I know just the place. Perhaps I will see her again! I think she was at that berry bush!” The kappa rushed to the cage and shook the boy. “You're a genius, Joel!”

“Um...it's James.” The boy stammered, frightened by the kappa's touch. “But who is she?” James asked worried of who else he might get involved in the crude business of the kappa.

“A human girl, my boy.” The kappa's face glowed as drool began to escape his gaping mouth. “Boy, she's perfect. A perfect hotty! What I would do if I got my hands on her.” The kappa began to grope the air. “You know the type, boy! He legs go on for miles, and those hips that make you shake! Damn, and don't even get me started on those tits. You could just drown in her rack, my boy!” The kappa's mind begins to wander as he leaves his dingy swamp home. “I'll be back with those berries, Jim! Don't you worry!” the kappa shouted as he dove into the swamp.

Mr. Kappa swam and farted throughout the murky water until he hit a stream which flows out of the swampland all while imagining the beautiful schoolgirl that he intended to violate. He began getting himself rather worked up while floating downstream when all of a sudden he feels a violent wind sweep by, and the wind carried a sound oh so familiar to the Kappa. “Is it? Could it be?” The kappa grinned as he cupped his ears. “The giggles and moans of lovers shagging!” the kappa exclaimed in glee. He jumped from the water and followed the wind. The wind grew stronger and stronger until he reached a forest clearing. Like the eye of a hurricane, the winds stopped, and in the middle Mr. Kappa found two wind weasels enjoying the lovely afternoon. Kappa, hiding in the brush just outside of the clearing smirked as he devised a prank to pull on the unsuspecting weasels. Mr. Kappa carefully sneaked behind couple, and just as Mr. Wind Weasel began his doings, the Kappa yanked the weasels' tails, causing poor Mr. Wind Weasel to finish early. The kappa, fearing the weasel's wrath ran as soon as the prank was pulled.

Startled and furious, the wind weasel apologized to his loving wife, and after a peck on the snout, he swiftly turned to give chase to whatever creature had caused him this great embarrassment. He spotted the grimy shell of the Kappa splash into the river as he approached the fiend. “Kappa!” hissed the wind weasel. “You've pulled your last prank!” The weasel blindly threw blades of wind into the clouded river. “Prepare your deathbed, you slimy shit, for tomorrow I will make you pay for disgracing me and my wife!” The weasel returned to his wife in the forest. “I won't let that Kappa make a fool out of me.” the weasel told his wife. “He'll gossip to the whole village. My hard earned respect will be destroyed by that damn kappa's rumors.”

“Darling, it's really okay” Mrs. Wind Weasel whispered into her husbands ear. “There's nothing to be ashamed of. It happens to everyone. Let's just go home and maybe finish what we started.” The two weasels ascended to their home in the clouds.

Satisfied with his day out, the kappa rushed back up the river to return home. Forgetting all about the schoolgirl and more importantly the boy's berries, the kappa couldn't wait to tell little James what he had done on his his way out. He couldn't stop chuckling to himself all the way home as he recited the story to himself several different times to find the funniest ways to tell the story.

“Oh Jack! You'll never believe what happened, my lad!” Mr. Kappa laughed as he sat himself next to the caged boy. “I've done it again! The greatest of pranks! The joke to end all jokes! My boy, I really am a comedic genius, you must consider yourself lucky to hear it from me.” The kappa sat eagerly waiting for the boy to beg to hear his self-proclaimed comedy gold.

“B-b-berries?” asked the boy hungrily looking around the kappa trying to find a pouch of berries or something of the like to eat.

“Oh I thought you'd never ask!” the kappa replied. “Ha! What quicker than a berry's deadly wind, my boy? Wait. No, not berries you idiot...weasels! Wind Weasels! What's faster than a wind weasel's wind?” The thought of the punchline made the Mr. Kappa giggle like a schoolboy.

“Oh no Mr. Kappa.” The boy sighed. “Please tell me you didn't upset a wind weasel.”

“Excuse me?” The kappa was actually listening this time. Frustrated that the boy wasn't listening to his jokes, the kappa gave him a swift smack across the back of the head.

“What is it? What's faster than the weasel's wind?” The boy winced fearing more hits from the kappa.

The kappa's grin grew so mischievously as he began to tell the punchline, “His orgasms, boy!” The boy was disgusted once again by the kappa's poor taste in humor as the kappa struggled to contain his laughter. “He blew his load the moment he saw me. I mean, I know I'm devilishly attractive and all, but damn he should learn some self-control. Hahaha. I feel sorry for the poor wind weasel who married the pathetic quick shot!”

“No kappa, please!” the boy cried. “Please tell me you didn't upset a wind weasel. Please tell me he didn't know it was you.”

“Oh Jake, why so worried?” The kappa laughed. “That dumb wimpy wind weasel wouldn't come close to hurting me, my boy. Not a chance in hell. Plus, the puss will probably be spending the next few days trying to convince his wife not to run away with yours truly.” The kappa gave a creepy wink in the direction of cage.

“Kappa, wind weasel's are dangerous. They'll kill you! You know that, right? There's no fury like a wind weasel's. He'll tear you shreds. We should really go into hiding. Perhaps let me out of this cage, and we can go deeper into the swamp, perhaps hide in some logs for a week?” the boy suggested, worried that the kappa would end up dead leaving himself trapped in the kappa's nasty cage til he slowly wasted away.

“Oh boy, as if you think a wind weasel has anything on the might kappa wind!” Mr. Kappa exclaimed as his let out another nasty fart in the direction of the boy's cage. “Ha, see! Nothing to worry about my boy.” The kappa laughed himself to the ground.

“Ugh. I'm hungry, kappa. Can't you just be serious for a while,” the boy whispered to himself. “Maybe then it wouldn't be so bad here.”

Kappa had thus laughed himself into a deep sleep, which wasn't hard for the fat, lazy imp. If he wasn't pranking his neighbor's or sneaking a peek up unsuspecting schoolgirl's skirts, the kappa would find himself passed out on the matted floor in a nestle of weeds somewhere near the edge of the swamp. The kappa was no less pleasant during his sleep than he was while awake. In fact, it may be worse since he comedicly timed bowl movements escaped him while he remained unconscious, and the snoring shook the weeds around him.

Accounts of kamaitachi were most common in the Koshin'etsu region of Japan, which is actually where Tokyo is located! Some people believe they are more likely to inhabit mountains. The kamaitachi would ride on gusts of winds (so I guess mountains make sense, they can be pretty windy!) and slit the skin on peoples' legs with their sickle-like claws. In fact, kamaitachi actually translates to sickle weasel! These gashes were deep, but often painless. Seems like more of a joke gone too far than a malicious assault.