#will it help

20/02/2018

07/02/2018

I can’t cope with stupid stuff. Nothing has happened! I’m not hurt, no one is hurt, yet I want to cry even though I’m sitting in Starbucks. I’m so sick of over reacting to every little thing. I got an email from my supervisor with corrections for a piece of work and the more I read it the harder I was finding it not to cry. So what? I have to sit down and correct it, I knew that would be the case, that’s why it’s a draft. But I feel like part of me died, everything in me sunk, my chest is tight, I can feel myself getting stressy and crabbit, if I was with someone right now I know I would be snappy with them. I want to go crawl into bed and pretend nothing exists for a while again. I don’t know when I will do the work, currently I can’t see myself doing it. I thought I would do it now. I had it all open and ready to go but I physical…mentally just couldn’t do it…it sounds so stupid, but I was just looking at it and everything inside me was panicking. I still haven’t done it. I don’t want to be sad today though.

               I can’tthinkor concentrate now at all. I’m trying to stop and think about it. Tryingthe whole I’v done it before I can still do it now but I don’t believe myself…or I don’t want to believe myself I don’t know which I just know that my body reacts everytime I try to think…it has its own meltdown and my head follows…

Lost my train of thought there, coffee was needed. But now I’m stuck sitting on the uni bridge, watching everyone walk between classes and try to rush to grab food on the way. Thankfully I am sat here with another hour to kill and a large, very sugary latte waiting to be drunk. I’ve just sat and composed a ‘birthday post’ for a friend that I haven’t said more than hello to in years yet looking at it you would assume we are still best friends. Sometimes I really miss my high school friends, but then I’m not sure if I miss them or if I just miss school…anyway…HAPPY BIRTHDAY JODIE! Along with Andrew, came Tyler. We all know how it works and how we got to this stage, fast forwarding out came another sister – Tyler. It is still a mystery to me as to whether Andrew and Mummy were officially together (feel free to fill in the blanks for me Andrew). But, what I do know is that Andrew loved mummy unconditionally, even at such a young age it was clear to me that he loved her so much more than she loved him. He would of did anything for her, he would have married her had she not turned him down, more than once if I remember right. Regardless of what was going on between them though it never affected the relationship he had with us girls. We were always ‘his girls’. He never just had one daughter, to this day he has 3. He never made a difference between us and I will never forget that or lose appreciation. You helped shape how I see love. Your love was pure, and I respect that. I hope that one day my children will be able to see the love I have for my partner like I got to experience with you. We all adjusted to having a new crying baby in the house, it’s not me anymore, and I came to love being a big sister. I still like to think I was the favourite even if I wasn’t the baby anymore. I’m not clear on the details so I apologise but let’s say around 2/years later Mummy got sick. She was diagnosed with breast cancer. I don’t remember much changing for a while, she was still the same, still just mummy. She started treatment, Andrew and Nanny stepped up to help look after us, and everybody just tried to make life as normal as possible. We continued I school and when mummy was well enough we still went out and enjoyed ourselves. At one point she had the bright idea that we needed a caravan! Que the beginning of family trips to all the caravan parks she could find in a 20-mile radius. Those trips were the best! Everyone was squished in a tiny space, you couldn’t stretch without hitting someone and if anyone snored, we were all awake. But, I wouldn’t have changed any of it. Shannon’s not awake yet. It’s 13.33 and she’s still sleeping. At this rate it will be midnight before she makes it down here to mine. Wake up lazy bones!!! Knowing I’m seeing you after Uni is the only thing getting me through. Now my coffee is going cold and I can’t stop yawning. 25 mins until class...but whose counting.

               At some stage later, Mummy got worse. I knew things were worse because life started to get more and more different. All our routines changed, it became more difficult to focus in school, and Mummy, got less and less like Mummy. Sickness can take people away from you even when they are right in front of you. I will never forget the day she cut her hair the first time. As far back as I could remember her hair had always been long and blonde, she had so much pride in it. The day the hair dresser came to the house was the first major change, we were not allowed in the room with them, it was not something mummy wanted us to see, I can understand now why. It was such a huge step for her, the pain it must have caused her on the inside, the cancer once internal, was now showing on the outside, at least to her. Seeing her shorter hair everyday must have been a constant reminder. I can remember the tension in the house that day. Even though we were so young we understood the significance of what was happening. There was no way anyone could avoid the negativity in the air, no matter what age. My laptop battery is going to die. There’s no plugs close to me. Well…I have class in 10 mins anyway. Here we go again…I feel sick.

               Well that’s that done for the day. My stomach’s still turning though. I feel like its not going to go away completely, maybe ever. I finally seen my house mates for the first time in over a month…since things got bad. I was so nervous, but it went fine, they weren’t any different. Hopefully that’s one less thing to worry about. I still don’t really like being here though, in this house. It’s just a reminder of the bad times and the stress, its always going to be associated with uni. I sat in both my classes today but took in nothing, he could have been singing nursery rhymes to me and I wouldn’t have noticed. I just can’t make myself concentrate, I can feel myself getting tense over little things again and I’m trying to write here now instead in the hopes that it will stop any ager building up in me. I can feel it though, like I can always feel it, constantly eating at me from the inside. I can’t make myself be interested in what I’m doing, do I just keep pushing through, is it worth it? I guess no one really has the answers to those questions. I just know at the minute I’m only going through the motions of going to class etc. but I don’t feel like I’m getting anything from it except more anxiety at the minute. I feel like I’ve got so good at pretending around people, unless I’m at such a low that I’ve lost all control then I’m pretty good at putting on a brave face. I laughed today and chatted to classmates, I talked about uni work and asked how they are doing, all the while they smiled and laughed back yet I felt like I was straining my muscles to hold the smile, to stop the dirty look coming on to my face, it is like tug of war, me against depression, who controls my muscles, my smile, my tears. Why does my body, my brain…sometimes not feel like mine?

               I feel so false.

               I’m sitting with Reagan and Melissa (housemates) and they are chatting away telling me so many stories from their holidays. I really want to join in with them, have a laugh, but I want to mean it…and I don’t. I’m joining in, I’m talking, I’m doing my part but another part of me wants to be so alone, I don’t want to have to try, I’m tired.