#widow mc

Riley gave a sigh as she placed the final item in her hospital bag. Her due date was approaching fast, she had the entire manor prepared for her baby’s arrival. Everything was set.

Everything but a name.

“Come on Peanut what are we gonna call you?” She rubbed circles over her round belly. “It’s not like we can call you Peanut your entire life.” What name would you pick Drake?

She blew out a breath, he wouldn’t respond. She’d stopped hearing him months prior but the habit remained. Just give me a sign.

--

Riley gave a tired smile as the nurse placed the tiny bundle in her arms. She felt completely exhausted, nothing she’d ever done, even battling assassins had been as hard as bringing this precious life into the world. She had nearly given up, in this moment all the pain was worth it. He’s so tiny, so perfect.

“Look at him, he’s here.” His voice was soft and full of affection.

She looked up at him, her heart nearly bursting from happiness at the sight of him staring at their perfect child in amazement. God she loved him. She didn’t think there would ever be a greater sight than that of her husband smiling down at their child. Well, perhaps him cradling their small son in his strong arms the way he cradled her. She looked back down at her tiny pink bundle, in awe of how much he already resembled his father, dark chestnut locks, and warm chocolate eyes staring at her. She gently stroked his cheek, she considered passing him to his father but she wasn’t ready to part with him just yet.

He gently smoothed back her sweat-soaked hair placing a kiss on her forehead. “I’m so proud of you. Look at what you made.”

“We made.” Part of him and part of her, completely perfect.

“We made … ” his voice trailed off.

“What should we name him?” They’d spent weeks sharing names they loved, but none felt like they fit.

“What about Atlas?”

“Atlas,” the name rolled off her tongue with ease. “ … like the Titan who carried the earth on his back … I like it.” She smiled down at the tiny boy. “What about a middle name?”

“What do you think?”

“Hmmm … ” She stared down at her son, taking in his every feature. “What about Kane?”

“Atlas Kane Walker … perfect name for our perfect boy.”

--

“Son of a bitch!” Riley exclaimed as she leaned against the counter for support, knuckles going white as she tightly gripped the edge. Her jaw clenched and she squeezed her eyes shut as pain rolled through her abdomen.

“Riley! Are you okay?” Hana asked as she rushed to Riley’s side.

Riley gave a pained smile as the tension eased. “I’m fine Hana.” She said picking up the unopened yogurt that fell to the counter.

Hana looked at the way Riley’s eyebrows pinched together and the grimace peaked out underneath her smile, it was clear Riley wasn’t okay. “Riley you know you can lean on me with anything.”

“I promise Hana, I’m fine.” She exhaled. “I had a weird dream about Drake and contractions woke me up, but I’m fine.”

“Riley! We need to get to the hospital —”

“Hana, I have time, I called Doctor Ramirez and she told me to eat and try to sleep if I can. The contractions are still erratic and I don’t want to be uncomfortable at the hospital when I could be moderately comfortable in my home.”

Hana nodded, she knew arguing with Riley wouldn’t get her very far. “At least let me help you back to your room.”

“I’m fine,” Riley insisted, brushing off Hana’s offer of help and support, “I can do this, I have to do this.” Tears pricked at her eyes, she knew her friends would be there by her side and help as much as she allowed. As much as she loved them for all the love and support they had given her since Drake’s death she knew she needed to learn to stand on her own two feet.

At the end of each day, no matter how much they helped, she would be the only parent Peanut would ever have.

--

Riley bit back a sob as the nurse handed her her small son wrapped tightly in a white blanket with pink and blue stripes. Ten perfect little fingers, plump cheeks, a mop of dark brown hair and brilliant brown eyes. She’d seen him before, she half expected to look up and see Drake smiling down at her but she knew as much as she hoped he’d be there he wasn’t.

“Hey there Peanut,” she said, her fingertips softly running along his hairline. “I’m sorry your dad couldn’t be here … I will try my best to make up for his absence.

He was a great man, he loved with his whole heart.

He would be ecstatic to meet you and I know in my heart that he’s sorry he couldn’t be here.

We aren’t completely alone … we have friends … the most amazing friends you could ask for.” She chuckled lightly.

“They wanted to be here to meet you, but I wasn’t ready to share you.” She swallowed down the lump in her throat. The only person I wanted to be here when you came into the world couldn’t be.

“They will probably be barging in here soon, I promise they mean well. They are all we have,” as much as I want to just do this on our own I’m not sure I can yet.

“You’ll love them, they can be pushy, but they mean well. All they want is the best for both of us.”

Riley looked up as a soft knock was quickly followed by a more frantic knock. “That’s them, are you ready to meet your family Atlas Kane?”

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Ever since the day with the sunflowers, Riley felt as though she could feel Drake. It’s not possible. He’s gone, you know he’s gone. You felt his body go cold.

She knew the truth, but that didn’t make the feeling that he was near go away. She swore  she could hear his voice at times, telling her that he understood and needed her to let him go. More than a few times she felt as though she could almost feel him. The way her hair fluttered even when the air was still. The way she would feel a shiver up her spine as if his hand stroked her back while she sat alone staring off into space.

Was he really there telling her she needed to let him go, or was she just so grief stricken that she created this connection to him in her mind?

She knew she needed to try to release him— the hold he had on her heart— if she ever wanted to find a way to care for their child without breaking into tears every time she looked at him or her. Yet, she didn’t know if she could ever truly let him go. She loved him so deeply it felt as though he ran through her veins.

She spent her days sitting on the balcony staring at the field of sunflowers Drake had planted for her. The love he must have felt to do something like that for her; could she ever truly release him? Would she ever be able to move on without him?

She squeezed her eyes shut. She knew she didn’t have a choice. He wasn’t here anymore; he hadn’t been there in nearly four months and he’d never again be by her side. She’d never again see his smile or hear his laugh. She’d never watch him cradle their child in his arms. Her hand instinctively moved to her tiny bump. She could do this, she could move forward for her peanut. He’s already gone.

She shook her head. I need to do something. She knew she would never be able to leave him behind if she sat and thought about him all day. How can I release the man who stole my heart? She knew she had no choice, yet the prospect of leaving him behind without a trace made her heart ache.

Riley pushed the door to the room next to hers open. She sucked in a breath as she flipped on the light, her eyes stinging with fresh tears as memories rushed forward.

Riley beamed as she walked into the bedroom closest to hers, soon to be theirs. She’d spent the afternoon exploring the expansive manor with Drake naming a use or function for several of the unused rooms. Each room that was currently occupied by a friend they declared theirs for the future. Her eyes traced over the large space, her mind replacing the ornate bed and dresser with a simple crib and coordinating dresser set.

“What’s this room for?” Drake asked pulling her close by her hips.

Her hazel eyes shone brightly as her lips parted to speak. “The nursery.”

“The nursery huh?”

Her heart sank, he’d said the night before on the balcony he wanted children. They had spoken about kids before, did she mention it too soon?

Drake’s chestnut eyes scanned the room, her heart pounded in her chest as she waited for him to speak. “Sounds perfect.”

It felt like she could breathe again, her lungs expanding fully with joy and oxygen. “Really?”

“Really, I can't wait to fill this entire manor with the sound of our laughing children.

Children, he wants children with me. Her heart skipped a beat, she’d give him as many as he wanted, two, five, a dozen, it didn’t matter as long as it was with him. She felt stronger and more capable than ever before when he was at her side.

She let out a gasp as his lips met hers. His tongue slipped past her lips, tongues rolling together as they became lost in each other.

Riley blinked back fat tears, her left hand gripping the edge of the ornate dresser so tightly her knuckles turned white. She wished they had spoken more about the room, she had no clue what Drake would want. She felt completely lost; this child was a piece of both of them she wanted the room he or she grew up in to reflect Drake too, not just her. White walls with a border, an accent wall, paint them all, a mural? Natural wood or painted? She felt completely lost when it came to how to decorate their child’s room.

She shook her head sadly. I wish you were still here. Peanut needs us both. Her hand brushed her stomach. Will I ever stop feeling so broken? Can I ever stop crying at every memory?

She flipped off the light as she exited the room, pulling the door shut behind her. She didn’t have a clue as to how to start planning to decorate the space, but she needed to try. Maybe…

She moved quickly down the halls, her feet moving more swiftly than they had in weeks. She lightly rapped on the door with her knuckles. She may have been completely clueless when it came to Drake’s decorating tastes but she could think of one person who might have an idea.

Hazel eyes met surprised grey as he opened the door. “Duchess Riley.” He was more than a little surprised to see her on the other side of his door; she hadn’t left her room in weeks except to go to appointments. “Is something wrong?”

“Yes—no.” She felt silly for coming to him for help with something like this. She wished she didn’t have to; she wished she could plan everything with her husband as they laughed and speculated who their child would resemble more. Her hands twisted and turned as though she were tying invisible knots. She took a deep breath. She hated bothering him but she was already there. She could see the concern etched on his face and she wished more than anything that Drake was still there, that none of them felt the pain of his absence. “I wanted to work on the nursery.” He’s here for security, not to pick up the slack caused by Drake’s death. She paused, feeling more than a little ridiculous asking him for help. “I just feel like I need to try to do something to make me stop thinking all the time.” The words came out rushed nearly blending together.

Bastien placed his hand on hers, stilling them. His grey eyes were soft as hazel raised to meet his. “Breathe.”

She nodded slowly, feeling slightly calmer just from his understanding. “I realized I don’t know what Drake would like.” She looked down at her hands, his larger one still covering hers, warmth seeping into them. “I wouldn’t even know where to start, and I’m not sure who to ask to clear out the room since relieving Gladys.” She felt a sharp pang in her chest. Justin has been a shock, but Gladys was someone with the most intimate knowledge of their house, their home. Anything that went on in the manor Gladys would surely know, and she had easily sold them out. “I know you’re busy.” She slowly raised her eyes up to meet his. “Could—do you think you could help me?”

He offered her a soft smile. “Of course.”

*

Riley looked around the newly cleared out room. It was now a blank slate, her first step in starting over. Her stomach lurched. Not starting over, moving forward, trying to live without the man who so easily claimed my heart.

When she had asked Bastien to help she hadn’t expected him to take on so much of the task on his own. He loved Drake too, he feels responsible too. She felt so thankful that he was kind, understanding and willing to help. She wasn’t sure what she would do without him. Sure she had Hana, Maxwell, and Olivia, but Bastien knew a side of Drake they didn’t.

She stared at the stark walls, debating how to treat them. What would you want Drake? She closed her eyes in thought, hoping to connect.

Paint them pale blue.

Her eyes snapped open, her hand moving to her cheek. A lingering tingle remained from where she was sure he just touched her. “Let’s paint them all pale blue, puffy white clouds on the upper third of the middle wall.”

Perfect, our peanut can sleep under the clouds.

She let out a shuddering breath, would this ever get easier?

Don’t forget your grandparents.

“A few tall sunflowers in the middle of the wall. I want it to look like they are peeking from behind the crib.” She turned towards Bastien, tears shining in her hazel eyes. “Is that doable? Would Drake like that?”

Bastien gave her a soft smile. “I’m sure we can find someone to do it. Drake would love it.”

Riley nodded as a few tears escaped her eyes and trailed down her pale cheeks. It was slowly coming together; she was slowly releasing him while still remembering him. She could do this. She would survive without him by her side.

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Riley felt more lost than ever since learning of her pregnancy. What should have been a thing of joy felt like nothing more than a curse. How can I stare at his face every single day and not continue to break?

She felt as though she would forever stay in this state of limbo, never able to truly move on. She wasn’t even sure what moving on looked like. She couldn’t go back to the way things used to be, she wasn’t that person any longer. She was now a woman who knew the most incredible joy and the most heart crushing pain. She was a woman who was forever trapped in a nightmare. Everything she thought she knew had changed in an instant, everywhere she looked stood a cold reminder of what she had lost.

She had been so close to escaping the country that  they together had called home, now she was stranded in the memories, never able to leave. She felt such bone crushing grief and guilt she wasn’t sure she’d ever survive.

She moved as if in a full unfeeling daze. Every action becoming automatic, she felt as though her body and soul were completely disconnected. Every conversation seemed as though she were miles away, the words coming to her in clouded echoes.

She was a prisoner in her own mind as every memory of their happy conversations of their future family played on repeat in her head. He should be here. How could she possibly feel anything other than pain in knowing that he would never get to see or hold their child. Every time she had seen his eyes light up as they talked about the possibility of children seemed so distant, nothing more than a dream. How can he miss this? Her heart broke over and over as she thought of everything he would miss. If we never came back…

She started to regret every choice she made since turning down Liam. If she had turned down his offer of making her a Duchess they never would have become targets. If she had suggested they stay behind in New York instead they would have been far enough away from Anton that he wouldn’t even think of them as a threat.

It felt as though every day there was a new reason to grieve. Her whole future no longer seemed to have endless possibilities, instead it was dim, tainted by darkness. Every shadow held a new surprise, a new reason to feel completely broken beyond repair.

She had wanted nothing more than to completely give up. She no longer had the luxury of simply fading away from being. She already felt like a complete failure, having already put her child at so much risk.

Riley sat unblinking waiting for the doctor to see her. She already knew she’d completely failed both Drake and their child, she was terrified to hear just how badly she had damaged their baby. She didn’t move, her mind playing Drake’s smiling face on repeat as Olivia stood up beside her.

“Where are you going?” Hana questioned, her hands folded neatly in her lap.

“I’m going to talk to the doctor and make sure no one says anything that breaks her further.” She gestured toward her unmoving friend. “She’s been through enough, she doesn’t need any stupid questions that make her think about Drake.”

Hana nodded her head as she watched Riley. She couldn’t imagine how she would react if she was in a similar situation. She didn’t think she would be any stronger than her dear friend. She had heard some members of the court speak of how weak she was, allowing herself to cave and wallow in grief. She knew they would do no better, grace and poise can only get you so far, there is no way to train for grief. She raised her head, giving a small tentative smile as Olivia returned, nodding her head with a satisfied smirk upon her lips.

Riley blindly shuffled into the exam room with her friends and Bastien in tow. When he first told her he’d be replacing her security, she’d been in shock. Sure she didn’t trust Mara could actually keep her safe, yet she never went anywhere, was security even needed? Now she was almost thankful that the same man who had raised Drake was now there to keep an eye on her. It seemed almost fitting that he would be the one to keep her safe now that Drake couldn’t.

She settled on the table, pulling up her top, exposing her still flat abdomen as instructed. Every movement on autopilot, as she stared blankly ahead. She missed the sad smile on the technician’s face, and the warning glare Olivia shot her. Her mind nearly locking her in. If her own thoughts weren’t so painful she might have found it a reprieve from all the pitiful looks she was given, but her mind was her prison and her punishment was seeing Drake’s face on repeat.

She stared ahead at the screen. She felt as though she was in limbo as she waited to see the last piece of her husband appear on the screen. Please be okay, I can’t fail Drake again.  

She barely flinched as the technician squirted cold gel on her exposed stomach. She didn’t blink, her eyes focused on the screen. She fought to see past the smiling face her mind plagued her with since she’d learned she was pregnant.

Hana gave her shoulder a reassuring squeeze, a reminder of just how much Drake was missing. He should be here. It should just be me and him waiting to see our child with smiles on our faces. Riley waited with bated breath as the technician slowly glided the wand across her stomach.

Whoosh. Whoosh. Whoosh.

Riley closed her eyes as the sound of their child’s heartbeat filled the room. She should have felt relief in that moment, but all she felt was intense pain. A single tear slid down her pale cheek as she could swear she heard Drake’s voice mingling with their child’s strong heartbeat. Can you believe we made that? God you’re amazing. I love you so much Riley. Look at our little peanut. You’re a little fighter aren’t you peanut? Just like your momma.

She fought back a sob as she opened her eyes, finally taking in the image of their baby on the screen. It’s so big, and looks so human. She was in awe as she watched their baby wiggle and move on the screen. Maybe they’re okay. For a moment she forgot all the pain and heartache she’d felt as she let herself become lost in watching her last connection to Drake roll and kick on the screen.

“You’re lucky, the baby seems to be very healthy.”

The technicians words pulled her from her momentary reprieve. You’re lucky. Her heart twinged at the words. She didn’t feel lucky, she didn’t think she’d ever feel lucky ever again. She felt as if she was cursed, forever doomed to a life of pain and pity from well meaning friends and strangers. She blinked back tears, missing the way Olivia glared at the technician.

Riley swallowed the painful lump in her throat as the technician gently wiped the gel from her stomach. She slid off the table without a word. Her entire body once again numb. How could I let myself get caught up? She hated that she allowed herself to forget that she would be doing this on her own, the entire reason she’d even missed the fact that she was pregnant. This isn't how it’s supposed to be. How can I ever get used to this life? She’d imagined the smiles and laughs they would have shared more times than she could count. She didn’t want to do this on her own, but this was the life she’d been given. If it weren’t for Liam... Part of her still wished Liam hadn’t said Drake’s name that day, she knew it was selfish to wish their child dead as well, but the pain was too much and she felt she’d never overcome it. If it weren’t for me... She wished she’d told Daniel she was sorry but she couldn’t cover for him that day, then she’d be back in New York, in her shitty apartment working the shitty dive bar, but she wouldn’t feel as though part of her died and she was cursed to live half a life.

Riley jumped when she felt the warm hand on her shoulder. She looked around stunned, she hadn’t even noticed when she’d gotten back into the SUV, let alone realized they’d made it home. Home, it didn’t feel like the home she had dreamed they’d have. Instead of being full of love, laughter and life, it was cold, dark and felt as welcoming as a dank dungeon. Bastien gave her a small sad smile, she wanted to shout at him, demand he stop feeling pity for her, but she knew it was as much for him and it was for her. He was grieving too, so is Liam. No it’s his fault, he doesn’t get to grieve. She gave him a tentative smile. She wasn’t sure she’d ever have a reason to smile so big that her entire face lit up and her cheeks hurt. No, her life would forever be filled with sadness and forced smiles. God forbid I actually grieve and be sad. It felt as though only her group of friends understood her grief, the rest of the country seemed to want to her be ready to move on with a smile plastered on her face.

Bastien watched Riley return to her room, once again locking herself away with her grief. He understood her pain, he’d seen it before with Drake’s mother, though she’d allowed it to break her and ran at the first chance she could. He knew Riley had wanted to do the same, but he also saw the same strength in her he had in Drake. She can get through this, she just needs understanding and time.

His heart broke each time he saw a tear streak down her porcelain cheek. I’m the reason she feels so much pain. I should have known Justin wasn’t who he said. He’d allowed Anton the chance to get close and learn the ins and outs of palace security. He’d made adjustments once they’d discovered who Anton really was, but by then it was far too late. He’d failed Drake, he’d failed Riley, he failed their child, but he wouldn’t fail anyone again.

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Riley absentmindedly picked at the food Hana had brought up earlier. She barely had an appetite, and would happily continue to avoid eating anything but she now had to think about someone else. She popped a piece of fresh melon into her mouth as her eyes drifted around the room. She froze as her eyes landed on a pot of miniature sunflowers that hadn’t been there earlier in the day. Her heart felt like it was being squeezed in a vice as fresh tears sprang to her eyes. How? The fork slipped through her fingers, clattering as it landed on the tray, she didn’t flinch, didn’t blink, her eyes still trained on the pot of her favorite flowers. She’d only mentioned that sunflowers were her favorite flowers to one person, the one person they couldn’t be from. I watched him die…

Drake had been the only one she told how she loved to dance in the field of sunflowers on her grandparents farm as a little girl.

“Why do you like sunflowers so much?”

“They remind me of my grandparents. My grandmother loved them so much they planted an entire field of them on their farm.” She smiled as she thought of her grandmothers words. “She said they looked like they were tracing the sun's path in the sky, only coming alive for the sun. Her words stuck with me, she said that the sunflower loved the sun so much it followed it.” She tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. “I know that sounds silly, but to love something that much…” She trailed off. Please don’t think I mean Liam… “I used to dance between the seemingly never ending rows of sunflowers, I don’t know what compelled me, they just always made me feel happy and I guess as a kid when I was happy I would dance.” She nervously bit her lip as she looked up at him through her lashes. “I know it sounds stupid…”

“It doesn’t sound stupid.”

She smiled, she never told anyone exactly why she loved sunflowers before, but she just felt so connected to him, she knew he’d understand.

She stared at the pot containing at least half a dozen miniature sunflowers. Don’t be stupid it was just a coincidence. How would anyone else know her favorite flowers? They are in a pot not cut. How did they know she preferred living plants to fresh cut flowers? He must have told someone.

*

Bastien sighed as he wiped the sweat off his brow with the back of his hand, his eyes surveying the area, checking his work. It wasn’t part of the job description, but he felt he owed it Drake to make sure Riley received her present.

Bastien arched his brow in question. “Why exactly are we planting sunflowers?”

“They’re Riley’s favorite flower, and I wanted to surprise her.”

“I’m sure you’ve heard of a florist.” He teased, he knew if Drake was planting this many rows of flowers there must be a reason.

Drake chuckled shaking his head. “Riley doesn’t like cut flowers. She says she likes to watch them grow and bloom, she doesn't like to watch them wither and wilt in a vase.” He ran a hand through his shaggy hair. “She has all these memories of dancing in a field of sunflowers, the way her eyes light up when talking about it…” He shrugged. “I can’t explain it but I just want to see her eyes light up like that every day.” He looked around the open space around the freshly tilled earth. “I’d love to put a gazebo out here, and maybe a swing set so she can sit and just watch the sunflowers trace the sun’s path in the sky and our kids playing at the same time.”

Bastien placed his hand on Drake’s shoulder. “I’m sure she’ll love it.”

“Yea, too bad they won’t be up in time for our wedding.” He shrugged his shoulders. “A late wedding present is better than none.”

“Drake, It doesn’t matter if it’s late, she’s lucky to have you. It’s not every husband that would pay such close attention.”

Drake nodded.

“I’m glad you found someone who you love so much.”

Drake smiled. “Yea, I really love her, I’d give my life for hers.”

Bastien shook his head. “Let’s keep the heroics to a minimum.”

“No promises Bas.”

Bastien hung his head as he finished surveying his job, Drake shouldn’t have had to give his life for hers. I’ll make sure she gets them Drake, don’t you worry. He’d already made sure to get her a pot of miniature sunflowers for her room as she was always staying cooped up inside. I will make sure nothing happens to her or your child. He heaved a heavy sigh, the guilt once more curling around his heart, he was the reason Drake wouldn’t be giving her his present himself. He was the reason that Drake would miss out on watching their child grow. The least he could do was make sure he did a better job in keeping Drake’s family safe than he had with Drake. I may have failed you once but I won’t do it again, I promise you I’ll do a better job of keeping them safe.

*

“Riley, you really need to eat.” Hana sighed as she took in Riley’s barely touched tray, bringing her a new tray that would most likely also be neglected.

“I did eat… a little.” Riley replied not tearing her eyes from the pot of sunflowers.

Hana sat on the edge of the bed, her heart aching for her friend. “Riley I know you miss him, but you have to take care of yourself and the baby.”

“Peanut.”

“What?”

“Peanut, Drake would call the baby peanut. Our little peanut he’ll never get to meet because of Liam.”

“Riley…”

“Where’d these sunflowers come from?”

Hana turned, small smile forming on her lips brought on by the cheerful pot of flowers. “Bastien brought them in, aren't they pretty?”

Bastien. Of course Drake would have told Bastien. “Did he say why he brought them in?”

“He said they were a smaller part of a bigger wedding present I think.”

Riley tore her eyes from the pot of flowers, turning to stare at Hana. “What wedding present?” Tears formed in her hazel eyes, her throat turning tight as she spoke.

“Just something he said Drake planned.” She placed a gentle hand on her friend's shoulder. “Oh Riley. It will be okay.”

Tears streamed down her porcelain cheeks. “Do you know what it is?” What could Drake have been planning? Why tell me now? Why did he have to die? She squeezed her eyes shut. I miss you so much Drake.

The curtains surrounding her enormous bed rippled as by blown by a gentle wind. I’m right here Riley.

She felt a pang in her chest. No you aren’t, not really, not how I need. You will never hold me again. A chill ran down her spine. She shook her head, she needed to find a way to let him go, a way to be able to move forward, even if she knew it would hurt like hell to do so.

Hana shook her head. “He didn’t tell me.” She looked down as her phone vibrated. “He says I should take you out on your balcony.”

Riley’s heart thundered in her chest. She hadn’t stepped foot on her balcony since before… As much as she enjoyed the view, her last night spent there was too strong a memory. She slowly nodded, as she swallowed the lump forming in her throat. You can do it. You have to move forward, for peanut. She took a slow deep breath as she stood, trying desperately to be strong enough for whatever she was about to walk into.

She followed Hana onto the balcony, the sounds of the waterfall washing over her, filling her with temporary peace and calm. She glanced around, unable to see anything that was different from months before. What exactly am I supposed to see?

Hana gasped beside her, grabbing onto her arm. “Riley, look!” She pulled her towards the end of the balcony.

Riley’s eyes went wide as rows and rows of sunflowers filled her vision. Dozens of plants, with their stems and petals stretched high reaching for the sun. Oh Drake. She pulled her arms up, wrapping them around her middle as if she were giving herself a hug.

Hana turned to her friend. “Oh Riley are you okay.”

Riley nodded, the knot in her chest slowly unraveling. He remembered. “I’m fine.” Thank you Drake.

Her hair ruffled on a breeze. You’re welcome Riley. I will always love you, but it’s okay to let go.

Fresh tears welled in her eyes, though she felt wrapped in a slight sense of peace. She smiled at the small field of sunflowers, the joy they always brought her washing over her. Thank you for making sure I got them Bastien. She wiped at her cheeks, her hand instinctively resting on her tiny bump. I’ll be okay, we’ll be okay.

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“Hana, are you sure you want to do this?” Riley asked, her hands wringing idly in front of her. She felt bad enough for all that Hana had helped her with since Drake’s death, her constant care when Riley wanted nothing more than for the earth to open up and swallow her whole. I can’t let her do this, she’s done enough for me already. They all have. She hated how much she had to rely on her friends that were now basically her family in the four and a half months since Drake’s passing. They shouldn’t have to worry about painting a nursery. This is my job, mine and Drake’s.

“Riley.” Hana smiled softly at Riley.

God I wish I could read thoughts.

“I’ve always wanted to paint something other than fruit on canvas, believe me you are doing me a favor. Let me do this for you and Peanut.”

Let her help Riley. She wants to do this for you, let her.

Riley nodded, no longer able to form words. Drake’s presence had been so all consuming since the ultrasound and even more constant since the day with the sunflowers. She felt like she would never get used to the odd feeling of comfort that having him near brought her. I love you Drake …

Riley blinked back the tears the memory triggered. Her mouth hung agape as she stared at the pale blue walls. “Hana.” She gasped. She wasn’t sure how to put into words the feelings she felt when she looked at the mural her friend had put on her baby’s wall.

Her eyes slowly traced over the wall before staring up at the ceiling. The white clouds looked like perfect wisps of cotton candy. God she’s talented. Is there anything she can’t do? Her lips turned upwards as her eyes drifted to the tall sunflowers There were three groupings of three, with each sunflower in a different stage of tracing the sun in the sky. Her eyes fell lower, her heart jumping at the sight of the crib standing in front of the proud sunflowers. She reached out, her fingers gently brushing over the oak finish. The crib was simple and understated, featuring carved bunnies, turtles, puppies, and fish along the front and back rails. It’s perfect. A few tears escaped, tracing erratic paths down her cheeks. She turned to face her friend. “It’s beautiful Hana.”

“Really?” Hana beamed; she had found such joy in painting the wall. She had worked hard to not make the wall look too overdone or busy. She was ecstatic that she pleased her friend.

“Truly Hana, it’s everything I wanted.” She stilled her hand resting on the crib. “Do you know where the crib came from?”

“Bastien found it. It’s beautiful isn’t it? He said it was all handcrafted and hand carved. He was still working on putting it together when I left after finishing the wall.”

Bastien? I never meant… Waves of guilt crashed down on her. She’d never meant for him to take so much on when she’d asked him for his help and advice. She turned to him because she wasn’t sure who else would know Drake well enough to know the right way to include Drake’s taste into the nursery. Well, there was one person but she wasn’t talking to him. He was the reason she was doing all of this alone.

You aren’t alone. You have our friends.

Her hand grazed her small bump and a shiver ran down her spine. She knew he was right but it wasn’t the same. You should be here. You would be here if it weren’t for Liam.

Stop that, stop blaming him and yourself or you’ll never move on. I promise one day this will all make sense.

Fresh tears sprang to her eyes. I don’t want to move on, I want you. As much as she wanted to fight it and keep the fire of hate burning in her gut she knew he was right. She needed to try to release the guilt and anger if she ever wanted to move forward. “I—I need to go.” She couldn’t do this now. She felt suffocated by her feelings—longing, love, anger, guilt. She needed to be alone to get her head on straight before she said or did something to alienate the few people she had left.

Riley raced from the nursery, tears rolling down her cheeks and filling her eyes. She couldn’t do this; she hated that she had to do this alone. What was I thinking? How can I do this by myself? She was so lost in her own grief she ran directly into a hard body.

Strong arms reached out holding her steady. She blinked away the unfallen tears obscuring her view. She was surprised to lock onto steely grey. The realization of whom she’d run into set her into a new fit of tears.

He was already doing so much for her, for Drake, and she asked him for more. She was becoming too reliant on those around her because the fear of being alone sent her into a panic.

“Riley, are you okay?” The sight of the duchess running through the halls in tears putting the guard on alert.

Riley shook her head. “No—I don’t know—I can’t.” Her thoughts came out a jumbled mess. She was so twisted around she wasn’t sure what she was even trying to accomplish anymore. Move forward. Do I want to? You have to. Her entire world had crashed down around her leaving her scrambling to find something to hold onto and she felt as though she would never make sense of what her life had become.

Bastien looked past Riley into the room she’d just left and understanding washed over him twisting with a feeling of guilt and regret. She saw. He’d worried he was overstepping but when he had seen the crib he knew it was exactly what Drake would have chosen himself.

“Duchess Riley, I apologize for overstepping, I didn’t mean to upset you.”

“You didn’t.” She shook her head, it wasn’t his fault she was upset, it was her own. “It’s me—I can’t.”

His heart shattered as he saw her still struggling to move on without Drake. He knew from watching Bianca that it took time, and some could never right themselves. She’s stronger than Bianca. He’d watched her handle the social season and beyond with grace and poise, even in the midst of a scandal he still regretted being apart of, she never let herself waiver staying strong even when everything was against her. He knew this was far harder an obstacle to overcome but he had faith that she could come out the other side stronger than she ever had been before. “What do you need?”

She stared at him, trying to stop herself from screaming I need Drake, I can’t do this without him. “I—I need air.”

“Okay.” He nodded as he guided her through the manor to the wooden bench Hana had placed near the sunflowers.

Riley sat, her eyes trained on the last gift she’d ever receive from her husband. She tried not to let her heart break all over again by thinking of all the anniversaries, Christmases and birthdays he’d miss. “I’ll be fine Bastien, I’m sure you have better things to do than to look after a grieving widow.”

“If it’s all the same to you your grace, I’d rather stay and make sure you both are safe.”

She nodded glancing down at her hands. Maybe if Liam hadn’t left him behind we both would have left alive. Stop, stop agonizing over what if’s, he’s gone and there is no getting him back. She’d spent enough of her time dreaming how things would be different, she needed to try to leave those thoughts behind. This is my life now, me and peanut, surrounded by our friends, people who care about me and cared about him.

She stared at the sunflowers, watching as they soaked up the sun’s warm rays. She thought about how they should be drooping, drug down by the weight of their heavy head, but yet they stood tall and traced the sun’s path in the sky day after day. I can do this, I can persevere.

She stood up, she could be strong like the sunflowers she loved so much. She could take a page out of their book and not allow things meant to bring her down to prevent her from moving forward.

She placed her hand over her bump. We’ve got this peanut, just you and me. She looked over at Bastien, giving the diligent guard a small smile. You, me and a group of really good friends.

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Court politics is rather tiring and she’d rather not deal with it altogether if she could. She’s good at the game but the question is up in the air if she truly enjoys it (and she’s rather afraid if the answer is yes)

Her married surname “Sokolov” (or in her case would likely be called the Baroness Sokolova) means falcon. It’s a bird of prey and symbolically means someone who rises above their situation (in terms of success and victory). 

At first it seems apt given that her dead husband is a literal predator (who marries a 14/15 year old after seeing them barely pubescent) and likes to count his riches from his various military campaigns. He’s a war monger and it shows

On the flip side, Irina takes the surname and it ironically suits her too. She manages to come out of her difficult situation as a champion and uses her resources to get to the top

Also it’s interesting to note her surname before getting married is Voronov(a) and the name means “raven” – something to more often than denote bad luck, and often is a harbinger symbol for death and other negative things (which describes her bleak situation at first perfectly)

09. Do they have a favorite season? What about a favorite holiday?

As much as she gripes about winter, she loves the holiday season. Headcanonly, it’s called Satinalia and she likes shopping for gifts for her family and loved ones

Plus, it gives extra excuses to cuddle with Zarad and stay in bed (winkwonk)

14. Do they live alone or with family? How do they feel about their family/roommates? 

On the Isle, she has her own quarters. But at home, she lives mostly alone. She often sends for her younger siblings and tries as much as possible to let them stay with her

Her parents still try to haul them away and Irina can’t do much about that since legally they’re still their guardians (and she wants to terribly wrestle them away from them, but alas, Revaire laws as it is won’t let her do that)

So yes. She hates her parents but loves her siblings and would go to hell and back for them

20. Does your character like animals? What are some of their favorite animals? Would they want pets? What about mythological creatures?

Not particularly I think. She does love her horses though and is rather proud of her stable. 

If Zarad would want a pet – within reason – she’d oblige him. Probably would also get it ahead of him so she could surprise him with it :)) 

Mythological creatures….anything she could ride I suppose? Unicorns or maybe even a dragon :))

35. Is your character afraid of death? If they got to choose how to die, how would they want to go?

I think Irina is. She has so much to do and not being able to finish things scare her. Worst fear is that she leaves this world without getting her siblings happy and stable, so she definitely watches out for her health (no vices, save for the occasional drink, and strictly adheres to her diet)