I’ve been on T almost exactly two months now and we got a big family reunion end of January. My parents only knows I am trans but don’t know about the T. No one else. My family consists of three types. 1, those I only see no more than two weeks a year total every year, and 2, those I have only seen for up to two weeks total the last 10 years (adult me), and 3, those I have not seen since I was a kid. Those in the first group know I have been switching between masculine and feminine but being feminine was mostly because they wanted it but often ask why did I go masculine again? Those in the second group, it depends when they saw me. I could have been either feminine or masculine but not really a constant switch up. If they saw me twice, I could have been feminine both times, masculine both tmes, or one each. Those in the third group know nothing really and still may only know my dead name. Oh, I did legally change my name when I was 18 actually from a very feminine to a unisex masculine leaning name. I am not sure about how to come out (or even if I want to come out) to these groups. The first group I think might have an easier understanding of me being masculine but I am scared they might give me a hard time. The second group, well it really depends on how they saw me before, but none of them said much about being masculine if I was when I saw them but interaction could have been too few. But if they saw me as feminine mostly/only I’m afraid they won’t accept and would come as a big surprise. The third group, well, they don’t even know me now, may not even recognise me but I don’t know if any info or pics got around. My parents and I aren’t the social media type but who knows if the first/second group shared something. Of course I’d mention my name change if that never got to them. Anyway the reunion will be when I’d be.4 months on T so there might be some visible changes to people who know me and my voice is already a bit deeper. But those that don’t know me well may not see a thing and who knows might think my voice is just naturally deep. I’m not sure how and if I want to come out? Maybe specific people only? But misgendering and stuff will get around among those I’m not out to and how should those I do come out to tell someone I’m not out to?? Besides even if I do tell them, I have no idea about acceptance and I can’t see anyone correcting another (except my own parents) so I suppose if I don’t come out to everyone, they won’t really understand. But that means who knows how well they’d respond. And if I do come out, as I said I can’t see anyone except me and my parents correcting anyone and with so many people, I can’t correct them all. Ideas here please?
PS-There are a total of 4 different languages spoken among us so specific wording or vocabulary to use is only helpful for English (but a non native speaker may still miss it)
-whatfor
This is a lot of pressure. It’s no wonder you’re having a hard time deciding what to do and what will be best for you! I’m so sorry you’re having to struggle with this.
I’m sorry to tell you that the decision of what to do rests squarely on your shoulders. This is your life, your possible (semi) coming out, and so it’s your decision of what you want to do. And it’s going to be on you to tell this decision to at least one person so they can help spread around what’s going down.
I can help give you options for whatever path you decide, but I cannot decide for you.
So, your three basic options:
Go back into the closet
This is a big event with a lot of people. You might decide it’s not worth the fight or the time or the energy. Give a head’s up to the people who have been using your real terms (name, pronouns, titles - stuff like that) for you that just for this event, they should use the old, misgendering terms because you’re not ready to come out to everyone else yet. Totally feel free to tell this to one person or a couple of people and ask them to notify [x] other people.
Then you make sure you have lots of time for self-care before and after this reunion. Make sure to check in with yourself. Find a place to take a couple of quiet minutes alone to yourself when the reunion gets overwhelming. Give yourself permission to leave early (if at all possible - if you’re dependent on a family member for transportation, this might not be possible). The day will suck, but it will not last forever. You will get past it.
Stay semi-closeted/passively come out
Perhaps you just find it easiest to stay out to those you’re out to and just stay closeted with people you haven’t come out to yet. This way you know you have people on your side, you’re not only being misgendered this day, and you may keep a stronger sense of self and feel more ready to tackle this reunion. Tell the people you’re out to (or, again, designate one or a couple of people to spread word for you) that they should use the correct terms for you, but if they’re speaking with someone who corrects them, to just accept the “correction” for that family member.
Some family members may be confused at other family members using masculine terms for you but may be polite and accepting enough that they go with it without question. Some family members may ask questions (in which, you can decide beforehand whether to tell relatives to go ahead and answer these honestly or to just backtrack and say they messed up your terms) but be generally accepting. Some family members may be resistant, but by folk saying they were mistaken, you’re allowed to stay basically closeted to them.
Have a mass coming out
Maybe you just want to get this all out in the open. I would suggest coming out beforehand rather than making this a task for the reunion. Ask a couple of family members that you’re out to that they should please start spreading the word to other members/branches of the family. The family grapevine can be a pretty effective way to quickly spread the word. Coming out beforehand will also give people time to process their emotions and have more controlled and reasonable reactions by the time the reunion rolls around.
If you’re worried, discuss a plan with your parents about what to do if family members harass or even threaten you. Will they immediately leave with you? Is there a friend you can have on call that will come pick you up? Is there a safe place not far away that you could walk to while more accepting family members distract less accepting family members for you?
Know that just because it’s a family reunion doesn’t mean you owe everyone a certain amount of time talking or catching up. If someone has a nasty/unacceptable attitude towards you, (pretend to) spot another family member elsewhere, say you want to catch up with them, and extract yourself away from the jerk. Use friendly family members to help buffer less friendly ones. Spend most your time with people you know accept you. Having someone else with you can help immensely in feeling safe and supported.
You know your family best.
For example, for my family, I know there would be a lot of talking about me behind my back (that’s what’s happened with others have come out) but at least they would get it out then and at least try their best to my face. There would be questions (and probably lots of arguments and whining about they/them pronouns), and there absolutely would be teasing - and “teasing”, but I’d be unlikely to face any physically violent harassment.
So, what are your feelings towards your family? How do their track records speak towards how they might react to you coming out?
For general advice, I suggest:
Trust your gut. Respect your anxiety and fear. At the end of the day, you have to do what’s best for you, and that involves your mental health.
It’s really shitty, but accept that no matter what, you likely will get misgendered. Multiple times. Even if you come out to everyone. People mess up. You can’t be everywhere at once. It sucks, but you’ll drive yourself into the ground if you make it your mission to catch any and all misgendering that happens. Some things are out of your hands. Worry about what’s happening in actual interactions between you and other people. That’s really the most that you can do.
Self-care, self-care, self-care. This is a hard time. Family reunions can be stressful even without the burden you’re carrying. Take some time not thinking about this or doing the best you can to distract yourself. Do fun things you enjoy. Take care of yourself.
If someone asks about visible changes due to T and you don’t want to get into it, laugh, and shrug, and say something like “yeah, growing up is weird, huh? doesn’t always turn out as expected”. Act like it’s not a big deal and other people will have a hard time making it into a big deal.
This is not an easy decision. I’m really sorry you’re having to go through this. I believe in you. We’re here for you, no matter what.
~Pluto
