#mod tera

he has previously said that there are no lines between what's masculine and what's feminine for him anymore. i'm sorry this is so long and thank you

(You also sent in the song lyrics - thanks for the easy reference! - but I’m clipping those for length reasons.)

Disclaimer before I dig in: I am not a Harry Styles stan, I know very little about him, most of what I am going to say specifically about him is stuff I researched about specifically to answer this ask. I want to speak mostly generally to your question.

Okay, so you posed a pretty succinct, straight forward question. “i wanted to ask whether or not it’s ok to take comfort in a person that has not officially come out as trans but has included many forms of gender expression in their work?“ However, there’s also a lot of context to this ask that makes things not so straight forward, and there are several distinct issues touched upon here I want to delve into. But it seems a good a starting place as any to start with the direct question you asked.

Yes, of course it’s okay to find your own meaning in art and role models and relate to art your way from your perspective based on your experience. In fact, that’s nearly the entire purpose of art! And it makes sense too, that we as social creatures would look up to and be inspired by celebrities, artists, mentors, role models, etc. Feeling connected to and less alone because someone in the spotlight plays with gender presentation like you might or want to makes a lot of sense!

However, we have to remember that A) sometimes art is just art, and B) someone being in the spotlight doesn’t mean we actually know or understand them or are/should act familiar with them.

As an example, a couple years back, Will Jay released a song called “Never Been in Love” that pretty much exploded with aros and aces and became a bit of an anthem for a lot of us. Many wondered if he was aspec himself and there was a lot of queries about it (and I saw quite a few blogs reminding folk that they were allowed to relate to the song even if it meant something different to Will Jay or he wasn’t actually aspec). Earlier this year, he released the song “Lies” where he admits that he was writing songs he thought people would relate to and he actually had been in love even before writing “Never Been In Love”. That should do nothing to diminish how meaningful the song was to people, though! If we related to the song, we related to the song, and if it was meaningful and made us feel seen and understood, that’s great! A lot of times, art is personal, but sometimes art is just an exploration.

This concept applies even more to people themselves. It is soooo easy to idolize and romanticize people you’ve never actually met and really only see the persona they want you to see. Yes, they share personal information with the world and they experience a general lack of privacy that makes you feel like yeah, you really know who they are. But how can you really, personally, intimately know someone without interacting with them, chatting with them, getting to know them one on one? It’s fine to have role models and feel represented by and relate to a celebrity - just do not lose sight of the fact that what you’re feeling is personal feeling on your own end. It’s not something that this celebrity has actually built with you.

To put this another way: it is fine to headcanon fictional characters, but it’s not okay to headcanon real people.

Now, what I’m building up to here is that there are a lot of assumptions I am seeing - from both sides - that we cannot truly know because all we know is what Harry [or anyone] chooses to share with us. I’d like to break this down by going through some specific points.

at first i was against calling harry trans because i thought it was wrong

Okay, there are two sides to this.

1) It is wrong to apply a gender label/descriptor to someone without their permission.

2) In a cisnormative society, “cis” is the default gender label/descriptor to apply to everyone, and that’s equally wrong, so I get why it feels like a rebellion of the system to go “well, there are Reasons they could be trans, so I’m just going to go ahead and call them trans”.

We should get away from automatically labeling everyone as “cis”. However, the way we fix this isn’t to just decide we get to apply whatever label/descriptor to someone we want.

If someone hasn’t clarified or specified their gender (and you can’t/it isn’t a good or safe idea to ask them), it’s the safest bet to go by what they seem to be majority being called or what you can find of them referring to themself as.

In some cases, when someone seems to be specifically avoiding labeling themselves or uncomfortable with labeling themselves, it may be most comfortable for you to also avoid labeling them just as much as possible.

being ok with his friends referring to him with she/her, miss, ‘sue’ instead of ‘harry’, and sis; his obsession with babies and especially wanting to get pregnant; relating himself only to female artists; etc.)

It’s worth considering - is this something for friends only? Or is it open to fans and other public sectors?

Usually if something is for friends only, it’ll be kept out of public eye, but if only friends are doing this, is this something that is only being shared with you or is it something you’re entitled to as well?

Aaaaaaaaalso, it has to be pointed out that it’s binarist and cisnormative in it’s own way to equate different names/pronouns automatically with being trans or being a specific trans identity. Wanting to get pregnant? Do you know how many cis women I’ve heard go on and on about wanting a penis so they can pee standing up (like... all of them anytime we’re outside or camping)? Plenty of cis people use pronouns you might not expect! You don’t have to be trans/nonbinary to use multiple or ‘atypical’ pronouns. Cis people are allowed to use other pronouns as well! They’re allowed to have names typically associated with other genders! Not all gender nonconforming or genderqueer people/people queering gender are trans! Not everybody exploring their gender nor gender presentation is trans!

not to assume he’s cis as he never specified that

It’s great to not assume someone is cis! But that doesn’t automatically make them trans.

i don’t want to misgender anyone but i don’t understand why relating to someone who, from their actions, could be part of the community is wrong.

Do you specifically, absolutely need to gender someone in order to relate to them?

i don’t understand why people keep shutting down the idea the harry could be trans when he never said he was cis and was ok being referred to as she.

I’ve only recently seen a tiny bit of this ‘discourse’ around on twitter, but what I see is a few issues/points:

A) It’s not up to us to claim someone as trans if they have not come out as trans. Coming out is an extremely personal choice and should be up to each individual. “Claiming” them is basically dragging them into something that very well may be not theirs. And if it is theirs, why would you want to steal that moment of getting to determine and declare that away from them?

B) We are all so done with cis, able-bodied white folk being prioritized above the rest of the queer community!!! There are actual, legitimate, out trans people that can be your trans role models and they’re being shoved to the back of the closet in favor of a privileged, white Schrödinger’s Trans. Let’s uplift our actual community instead of getting stuck on someone who may or may not be a part of community - and may not even want to be a part of it!

All that being said, I do want to say something really quickly on Harry himself because it ties back into the assumptions we’ve been talking about. Harry’s sexuality has long been a question on fans and journalists minds, and Harry has pretty consistently made it clear that he’s not really interested in labels or boxes. Harry’s gender is not something that has been asked about, talked about, or answered on much. And his comment on masculinity and femininity? Let’s remember that, like pronouns, masculinity and femininity don’t automatically or inherently relate to one specific gender or not. And, quite frankly, it is faucet of toxic masculinity and cissexism to equate a gnc man/man in a dress with being trans. Men are allowed to wear dresses and makeup and heels! Men are allowed to be soft and nurturing and to cry! Cis or trans, men are allowed to be these things, and arguing that they’re trans simply for doing or being any of these does continue to enforce dangerous and strict views of the gender binary.

Okay, it feels like I kinda put you through the wringer, so I want to go back and reiterate: it is 100% valid to relate to and feel connected to/inspired by someone on the basis of their presentation and gender exploration. It is not valid to claim ownership over their identity because of this. It is possible for two people to experience same or similar things and yet come to different conclusions about themselves!

If Harry Styles as an icon is important to you, I’m glad you can have that! But not everyone will or has to share your connection, and the only one actually qualified to speak on Harry’s gender is Harry himself. Harry could be trans, but it’s his right and his right only to claim that label. Any assuming we do is just that: an assumption. And I want you to be careful with your own feelings getting too attached to the image of Harry you’ve built up in your own head only to potentially have them shattered if Harry decides to speak on things and it turns out his feelings don’t mean what you thought.

Your identity is valid regardless of how Harry Styles feels or identifies. You feeling validated and seen and represented by Harry’s actions is valid regardless of how Harry Styles feels or identifies. It’s great to have role models and be inspired by people, but remember that at the end of the day, you need to be able to rely on yourself to keep up your ego and determine your sense of self.

Dede’s goodbye

This is the prologue chapter, so it’s entirely Yuki monologueing.

CHARACTERS: Sumishiro Yuki

PURA.net Chapter 0: The Dream Begins

When you’re around more queer people and experience more queer visibility, you learn more about queer people and identities, and you are more likely to realize if you also relate to these experiences/labels.

This has nothing to do with being “statistically unlikely” (who cares, tbh? statistically unlikely things do happen because that’s how life works) or a copycat (if you were faking, you would specifically know it). This is just the result of visibility, education, and open-mindedness/an accepting community.

Your identity is not determined by getting the right variables plugged into some math equation. Let yourself be you~

I relate to this struggle.

The first step is to working towards accepting that people know what is best for themselves. If someone asks you to use it/its pronouns, that’s not degrading - that’s what they want. That’s what makes them happiest/most comfortable. Calling someone by it/its pronouns when they’ve said that’s their pronouns is completely different from calling someone by it/its pronouns when those aren’t their pronouns.

The second is practice. Practice out loud by yourself using it/its pronouns. Maybe read an excerpt from a book out loud, changing the pronouns to it/its. Listen to yourself. Get used to the pronouns. Learn their feel. Start separating out how they actually sound versus your personal experience and feelings about having the pronouns applied to you. Give it some time. You’ll notice a difference.

I would suggest mocking up some cards like the ones found here but making them focus on ey/em (and using whatever example sentences you’re comfortable with) and printing them out/putting them on index cards. Keep some on hand and give them out to friends/family/teachers/coworkers/etc.!

[Image description: Pronouns -- A How To Guide

Subject: [1] laughed at the notion of a gender binary. Object: They tried to convince [2] that asexuality does not exist. Possessive: [3] favorite color is unknown. Possessive Pronoun: The pronoun card is [4]. Reflexive: [1] think(s) highly of [5].

The pronoun list on the reverse is not an exhaustive list. It is good practice to ask which pronouns a person uses. Copyright 2011, 2016 UW-Milwaukee LGBT Resource Center]

[Image description: 1: (f)ae, e/ey, he, per, she, they, ve, xe, ze/zie 2: (f)aer, em, him, per, her, them, ver, xem, hir 3: (f)aer, eir, his, pers, her, their, vis, xyr, hir 4: (f)aers, eirs, his, pers, hers, theirs, vis, xyrs, hirs 5: (f)aerself, eirself, himself, perself, herself, themself, verself, xemself, hirself]

It gives people a very easy resource that explains how to use your awesome pronouns and no real reason not to understand or remember.

As for asking - “hey, I have some news. I’m switching over to ey/em pronouns. You’ve been so great at using my they/them pronouns and ey/em is so similar, I know you’ll pick it up quickly. The big difference is that I use ey/em in singular form rather than plural like with they/them. Thanks!” or “actually, I just changed my pronouns to ey/em rather than they/them. I know it’s a new pronoun set to practice, but it means a lot to me. Thanks!” or “Hello, I’m [anonymous], and I use ey/em pronouns. I know they may take some time to get used to, but they’re really just like any other pronoun” or along those lines. If they’re confused, you can talk about using ey where you would use they/she/he and em where you would use them/her/him and/or hand them the card.

If someone refuses to use your pronouns, that is a reflection on them, not on you or the way you asked.

Good luck!

I’m so sorry!

She can explain why it’s wrong, but can she understand how it makes you feel? Have you ever sat down and been vulnerable and shared the hurt and pain that being misgendered causes you? Is she able to digest that and explain back to you how misgendering you makes you feel? Is she able to recognize her actions as bullying when she does this? Have you had any of the big (age appropriate) conversations about the danger that trans people face for being trans and how misgendering helps normalize this danger? Trying to engage her sympathy regarding this may be helpful.

As well, you two could sit down and brainstorm more productive ways that she can react when she is feeling frustrated. You can honestly also go over the typical, non-productive - eye rolling, loud sighing, moving slowly, etc. - teenage methods that, while annoying and grating to you, are still more appropriate expressions of frustration for her age.

Followers, especially parents, any other advice?

Of course! Why wouldn’t it be possible?