It's a challenge to be in a relationship when you a fighting... You find yourself over compensating and needing to comfort him and make him OK. You never want him uncomfortable or to see him hurting over you... yet it's heartbreaking in ways you can't describe because it you KNOW he is hurting. And in some odd way it feels you did it...you kinda caused it and you can't fix it. So you hide the sickness and the pain the best you can. You don't show how weak you really are. You agree to get up and do things because you know your activity brings him joy and takes him to a familiar place of peace..somewhat. So although you may be at a breaking point, you will push through for him. You just want him happy. Sometimes I look at him and my heart drops... I love him so much. More than I ever imagined and I think what if I don't beat this? What if I leave you my love? How does life go on.. I'm sure it will and he will even love again (hopefully not too soon lol) but I know how much he loves me and I hate this cruel disease could take that away.... I suppose the biggest challenge and most unfair is how much this has caused me to "need" and I refuse to be "needy." I don't think he understands how much I need his touch...kind words...caress and soft touch... his smile... just time with him... I love when he just holds my hand. I live for the moments he just pulls me into his arms and I can rest in his embrace. I feel his heart, his strength, his warmth, his love I'm safe there. I'm his and he's mine there. I'm so lost in the passion of his kiss... I'm not sick then... I'm a woman again.. I'm beautiful.. he makes me smile. He makes me feel... special... good. But it's hard to say how much I need those moments... I need him. Sometimes he just sits and talks to me and it's the most beautiful thing. It occupies my mind and most of all it communicates to me.... I'm still valueable...desirable. I matter. I'm wanted in his life. I'm afraid to ask for more because I also know there are days he isn't always comfortable around me and I understand. And I fear if I ever show how bad it really is... I may lose him. It has to be hard to watch the woman you love change before your face and have to think of the unthinkable. I carry myself well... I stay fairly active. I accommodate his needs. I try to keep him as happy as I can and treasure our moments. I try to hold back my need and not be needy and just be a good woman in the midst of the madness. But quite frankly at least once a week I look at him... through the polished look, the makeup, the stilettos, the work I do and all else that makes me ME and the world happy... and I want to say... "Catch me I'm falling and I NEED YOU!" I Just want him to hold me and rescue from this agony. But I can't and it's not fair.... so I continue to just smile and cherish what I do have which is special in itself and be there for him. Because I know it's not easy....
