#weirdyear

dissonant, fast hardcore from Edmonton, Canada. featuring members of Mahria, Book of Caverns, and Kali.

It's been a while since i wrote one of these. I used to do it more frequently last winter and spring. Maybe I was more pensive then, which means I've improved? 

Anyway, Alot has changed over the past year. Mostly for the better. 

My stagnating relationship of 3 years finally came to an end. 

My aunt, whom i was very close with, passed away due to a very aggressive bladder cancer. 

I started dating someone new.

I started a new job. 

I'm making plans to move out.

When my relationship ended, 2014 had only just begun, and I felt it was off to a rocky start. I felt it already, the next 6 months would be tumultuous, changing, and stressful. On top of that, shortly after, I had learned my aunt was diagnosed with an incredibly aggressive cancer. I put that part in the back of my mind, because I figured she would pull through. My ex-boyfriend had leukemia, and made an surprisingly quick recovery. I was foolish and ungrateful with my time with my family to realize her days were really numbered. By August, she was gone. 

Going back to the beginning of the year, I tried my best to forget about my ex. I slept around and found meaning in other people's bedrooms. I can't say how many people i slept with this year, but it had definitely been more than I had ever previously. I can't even say if I can account for all of them by name and face. The hole i felt in my heart for intimacy and warmth was so huge. I devoured anything in front of me, without consideration for those around me. I also drank alot more. Not necessarily, in an alcoholic way, rather, after work, i would go drinking with friends to pass the time. Any little excuse i could find to spend money, and not be alone, I took. 

After breaking up with my boyfriend, i didn't once cry, Not until May. I was pretty numb to the people around me. I went through the motions, and never lashed out or made it appear that way. Though, whenever I heard sad news, or even happy news for that matter, my reactions and responses were feigned and rehearsed. 

It wasn't til May, when I had gotten into an argument with my mother. We argue alot, but this time it had been different. During the course of the months, I had pretty much avoided any necessary contact with her, so I wouldn't be scape goated or give her an excuse to lash out. Something came up, and i remember running into my room and feeling so frustrated. So mad, and frustrated, and angry, and sick, and sad, and everything I should have felt those 5 months, came pouring out of me in the form of angry, loud sobs.

I cried and cried for 10, maybe 15 minutes straight. I cried about what I had really lost. I lost my heart, I lost my structure, I lost my way of life. I was thrown out of sorts because I lived for somebody for so long, feel like I had given so much, and ended up with nothing in the end. I felt foolish, I felt angry, i felt despair that things would never go back to the way they were. Even though, in my heart, i really waited for the day I'd get a text saying "lets get back together", I knew it would only leave me stagnating. Things could never be the way they were before. Not after this. I had lived happily in my mind knowing that maybe things could be worked out if were together long enough. In the end, it wasn't true.

Shortly after that little episode, I put a hold on the sexing. I got properly tested, to ensure that I had no contracted anything during my ho-life. I casually dated, not expecting to find a new boyfriend quite yet, but just to keep myself busy and have something to talk about.

Sometime in June, I had went on a date with this charming fellow. He was older than I am by about 8 years, but had such a jovial and youthful energy, he didnt seem a day pass 25. I went on the date at first because we had talked o a dating site, and after talking for a few days, I thought about meeting up for a date. I wasn't THAT interested at first, and honestly only went cause I had nothing better to do that day. However, after a few beers, and laughs, I grew to like this person. A lot. He was energetic, but not Type A. He was genuinely nice, and smart, and well rounded. He had talent, experience, good stories, and a genuinely interesting life. 

We went on a second date shortly after, and then a third, and fifth, and eighth. Pretty soon, things were in full swing. He did ask on the third or fourth date if I wanted to be "officially" dating him. I refused at that time, mostly because I still had to a lot of soul searching. However, after the 5th date, i brought it up again and decided to accept his offer. I had been single for 6 months, and I was kinda nervous doing all of this again. 

5 months later, we're still dating. Things are great. He's my opposite when I need him to be, and we're on the same page when we have to be. I still havent told ALL my friend about him yet, not because Im hiding anything, mostly because Im happy in my little world. I generally keep my romantic life, friend life, and family life very separate. Now a days, I do set aside time for Work life and John Life. 

Speaking of work life, I love my job. I came back to Prospect Park about 2 months ago. I used to intern here in the summer of 2013, working in the natural areas. Now, I work as a volunteer coordinator. The work itself keeps me on my toes, and it's very high energy, which i like. It's the perfect mix of desk-work, and field-work. 

With this job opportunity, I am hoping to move to Brooklyn this January. Me and my old coworker, Shakara, are making plans already. I need my independence, and I need it now. My mom doesn't want me to go, and honestly, since the death of her sister, i think she does need me now than every before. However, after suffering in silence for all those months, I don't feel that bad. I need to focus on myself, and do this for myself. 

Everyday, I feel better about the idea. Everyday I feel better about myself. There are still days when I miss my ex. Sometimes he sends me a text to ask how I am doing, and Im glad he does. It's probably easier for him to reach out to me, since he's the one who ended the relationship. I dont resent him or wish him any malice. In fact, in a weird way, I think I'll always love him. In a weird way, he'll always have a place in my heart that I am happy to let him occupy. I never want to be with him ever again, but I dont hate him.