#furrytreehugger

I wrote a post not too long ago that basically reflected my past year, so i wont get into that so much.

I want to focus on what i expect from my future, as well as focus on the spiritual growth i feel like I've achieved.

This year was a year of pain, and a year of death. It was the year where the processes that started 2 years ago, finally come close to their desired place. Part of this I attribute to Saturn's transit through Scorpio, my sun sign, which has basically been happening for two years. It has been gradually initiating upheavals of the structure of my every day life and making me look at everything and go "MEEEEEEEH". 

Part of this is also just because of all the transitions that happened this year. A 3-year relationship, to single and easy, to a new relationship. Old-fun-job, to new-fun-ish-job. Old family situation to new family situation. Some friendships began, grew, and fortified. Some friendships became distanced, strained, and ultimately died. 

From all this, I expect a lot of fun things in 2015. I think all of these changes and transitions have been difficult to cope with, but ultimately, it has made me a stronger, more confident person. I've learned to trust my instinct more and accept things that are not within my control (it sounds cliche, but i am a bit of a control freak). I've learned to keep my social anxiety from letting do the things i need to do. The things i want to do can always wait for the perfect timing, but when it comes to things i need to do, fuck you, Social Anxiety. 

A lot of interesting, notable things happened in astrology this year as well. 

Saturn in Scorpio was a big influence

Libra left Mars, after a 10 month transit. This definitely explained a lot of the cause of anxiety and inaction for the beginning of the year

Mars in Scorpio got everything and everyone on some good shit

We had a dual, Sun and Moon in Scorpio combo. Go, Scorpio!

Mars is currently in Capricorn, and is very happy there. 

Jupiter in Leo meant "yay opportunity!"

As a way to finish these things off, I'm going to post all the things I look forward to in 2015:

New Gym Membership (just signed up yesterday)

Trip to Vegas

New Job Opportunities

Potentially, new place to live. 

Anyway, that's my whole thing. It's a little early, but I'm at work and not really doing much. So, I want to finish off with a Happy Holidays, a Happy New Year, and a Merry Christmas to all who have put up with my bullshit over the last year. I swear, things will be better next year.

It's been a while since i wrote one of these. I used to do it more frequently last winter and spring. Maybe I was more pensive then, which means I've improved? 

Anyway, Alot has changed over the past year. Mostly for the better. 

My stagnating relationship of 3 years finally came to an end. 

My aunt, whom i was very close with, passed away due to a very aggressive bladder cancer. 

I started dating someone new.

I started a new job. 

I'm making plans to move out.

When my relationship ended, 2014 had only just begun, and I felt it was off to a rocky start. I felt it already, the next 6 months would be tumultuous, changing, and stressful. On top of that, shortly after, I had learned my aunt was diagnosed with an incredibly aggressive cancer. I put that part in the back of my mind, because I figured she would pull through. My ex-boyfriend had leukemia, and made an surprisingly quick recovery. I was foolish and ungrateful with my time with my family to realize her days were really numbered. By August, she was gone. 

Going back to the beginning of the year, I tried my best to forget about my ex. I slept around and found meaning in other people's bedrooms. I can't say how many people i slept with this year, but it had definitely been more than I had ever previously. I can't even say if I can account for all of them by name and face. The hole i felt in my heart for intimacy and warmth was so huge. I devoured anything in front of me, without consideration for those around me. I also drank alot more. Not necessarily, in an alcoholic way, rather, after work, i would go drinking with friends to pass the time. Any little excuse i could find to spend money, and not be alone, I took. 

After breaking up with my boyfriend, i didn't once cry, Not until May. I was pretty numb to the people around me. I went through the motions, and never lashed out or made it appear that way. Though, whenever I heard sad news, or even happy news for that matter, my reactions and responses were feigned and rehearsed. 

It wasn't til May, when I had gotten into an argument with my mother. We argue alot, but this time it had been different. During the course of the months, I had pretty much avoided any necessary contact with her, so I wouldn't be scape goated or give her an excuse to lash out. Something came up, and i remember running into my room and feeling so frustrated. So mad, and frustrated, and angry, and sick, and sad, and everything I should have felt those 5 months, came pouring out of me in the form of angry, loud sobs.

I cried and cried for 10, maybe 15 minutes straight. I cried about what I had really lost. I lost my heart, I lost my structure, I lost my way of life. I was thrown out of sorts because I lived for somebody for so long, feel like I had given so much, and ended up with nothing in the end. I felt foolish, I felt angry, i felt despair that things would never go back to the way they were. Even though, in my heart, i really waited for the day I'd get a text saying "lets get back together", I knew it would only leave me stagnating. Things could never be the way they were before. Not after this. I had lived happily in my mind knowing that maybe things could be worked out if were together long enough. In the end, it wasn't true.

Shortly after that little episode, I put a hold on the sexing. I got properly tested, to ensure that I had no contracted anything during my ho-life. I casually dated, not expecting to find a new boyfriend quite yet, but just to keep myself busy and have something to talk about.

Sometime in June, I had went on a date with this charming fellow. He was older than I am by about 8 years, but had such a jovial and youthful energy, he didnt seem a day pass 25. I went on the date at first because we had talked o a dating site, and after talking for a few days, I thought about meeting up for a date. I wasn't THAT interested at first, and honestly only went cause I had nothing better to do that day. However, after a few beers, and laughs, I grew to like this person. A lot. He was energetic, but not Type A. He was genuinely nice, and smart, and well rounded. He had talent, experience, good stories, and a genuinely interesting life. 

We went on a second date shortly after, and then a third, and fifth, and eighth. Pretty soon, things were in full swing. He did ask on the third or fourth date if I wanted to be "officially" dating him. I refused at that time, mostly because I still had to a lot of soul searching. However, after the 5th date, i brought it up again and decided to accept his offer. I had been single for 6 months, and I was kinda nervous doing all of this again. 

5 months later, we're still dating. Things are great. He's my opposite when I need him to be, and we're on the same page when we have to be. I still havent told ALL my friend about him yet, not because Im hiding anything, mostly because Im happy in my little world. I generally keep my romantic life, friend life, and family life very separate. Now a days, I do set aside time for Work life and John Life. 

Speaking of work life, I love my job. I came back to Prospect Park about 2 months ago. I used to intern here in the summer of 2013, working in the natural areas. Now, I work as a volunteer coordinator. The work itself keeps me on my toes, and it's very high energy, which i like. It's the perfect mix of desk-work, and field-work. 

With this job opportunity, I am hoping to move to Brooklyn this January. Me and my old coworker, Shakara, are making plans already. I need my independence, and I need it now. My mom doesn't want me to go, and honestly, since the death of her sister, i think she does need me now than every before. However, after suffering in silence for all those months, I don't feel that bad. I need to focus on myself, and do this for myself. 

Everyday, I feel better about the idea. Everyday I feel better about myself. There are still days when I miss my ex. Sometimes he sends me a text to ask how I am doing, and Im glad he does. It's probably easier for him to reach out to me, since he's the one who ended the relationship. I dont resent him or wish him any malice. In fact, in a weird way, I think I'll always love him. In a weird way, he'll always have a place in my heart that I am happy to let him occupy. I never want to be with him ever again, but I dont hate him.