#jonnynobody

I seek a chapel within myself

It is filled with goodness and worth

I feel that this is the right path

My hands, bloodied and raw are within reach of my goal

I paid my penance and absolved my sins

grant me what is rightfully mine

With sweet righteousness i claim it

my patience will pay off

I get what i deserve

.

The chapel within me is fragile and flawed

It is a wicked system, disguised as righteousness

the flame within me is burning, and keeps burning

it burns everything in sight

I cannot stop what is meant to be

this is what i have been working towards 

and it is wrong

All that i have built is fuel for these flames

as if it were destiny

as if it were meant to fall.

Everything looks good.

Everything looks so clear.

I’m on a cloud. 

I’m in demand.

I take more risks.

I take more chances.

They all pay off.

It’s surreal.

All this goodness is encasing me

It’s a warm ray of light.

The clouds part for only a moment.

I can’t stop.

.

The moment is gone. 

The sky darkens.

My gold begins to tarnish.

My sun begins to wane.

One thing after another.

I return to where i started.

Naked.

Things get better

Keep trying

While the snow covers the ground

and the animals retreat to their dens

I too must retreat

I must take this rare opportunity to sit and reflect.

I take in all of myself

and I peer into my own mind

unsure of what I may find.

I do this because society clouds my senses

because people interject their own ideas into me

I cannot read myself when there is so much noise around me.

Everything is so much quieter inside myself

Everything is so much clearer.

I can hear my own voice and it is beautiful

it is actually soft and beautiful

Did I always have this inside me?

.

I don't want to share this voice with anybody

I don't need anybody anymore

Now that I have myself, what good is everyone else?

Society is cruel and unusual.

Society does not understand me

Only I understand me.

By myself I am invincible.

By myself, my voice becomes harsher.

The chatter in my head turns from a soft melody to a dull roar.

I hold my arms out

I block

I hug my arms tightly

I shield

I hold my arms high

I defeat

There is a tender calmness in my heart

It is both strong and kind

My inner strength is unbounded and unwavering

I am unaffected by most things

I am strong

I am so strong

I try to be knocked down

but to no success

You cannot conquer me

I am autonomous

.

My strength comes from a looming beast

waiting for a moment of weakness

It struggles everyday to get free

My hands are bloodied from shielding,

and blocking, and trying to smite.

stand down.

stand down.

Please, just stand down.

Forgive me.

I am doing my best.

Forgive me.

I can no longer hide my fear.

You've come so far.

You've put so much work into yourself.

All this new found energy

All this new found power

What will you do with it?

So many great prospects in your future

You've gone through the motto

"If I can survive this, then i can survive anything"

and survive you have

thrived even

champion.

.

You are losing control

your energy is unfocused

your future is unclear

you are scared

you react

you hurt

you mutilate

you, monster

Doing what is right,

Doing what is best, 

and doing what you want.

With hushed sobs and long pleas

we broke our contract

for ourselves, 

In the end, your decision was a selfish one

In the end, your decision was a selfless one

the path you chose was an inevitable one

Forward.

.

I do not understand

I do not want this

This is not how it was supposed to be

My path was clear in my mind

Your path was not supposed to matter

Why didn't I see this sooner?

I hear what you're saying

except I don't. 

I choose not to. 

Your needs are important

Except they're not.

What am I supposed to do?

I want to talk more.

I want you to listen.

Listen to everything I have to say.

Please Listen

Please listen

please listen.

I look to the stars for a glimmer of hope

The moon floods my room and I am engulfed in its pale shine

The knowledge it brings is reassuring

The breath it fills me with is calming

"Things are going as they should"

"This is something that will always be"

You've stuck a plan and have grown from there

The formula you have created has all your answers

.

I know it's not right

I know it's all bullshit

I dont care.

I'll do what makes me happy

The stars have no love for me.

I am nothing in comparison.

I can see everything come together

I can appreciate realities

I can appreciate limits

Your voice is strong in my head 

A guiding hand

Wisdom and words

this is what it means to take charge of yourself

to live for yourself

everything comes together

thank you

.

Where were you?

I had my reality rocked so many times

I thought i was ready

I wasn't. 

you never prepared me for this

what will happen to me

I feel no ownership of my self

I feel no ownership of my life

you convinced me its everyone else's fault